Getting through the bad days
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| Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:30am |
On Tuesday I went to look at another apartment, and decided after one look that I would be miserable there. There was nothing in particular wrong with it, it was just dark and felt dingy, despite being clean and presentable. The property wasn't attractive, and the carpets were an ugly brown, and I knew I would be depressed to come home to that apartment every day. Then I found out that apartment #1, which I had really liked, was already taken. So, back to the beginning.
Getting home, feeling frustrated, I pulled into the parking lot just in time to see my stbx climbing into a shiny red car with one of the women he had cheated on me with. He sees no problem with this since he considers himself single at this point, but I was devestated. We had a yelling match when he returned that night (which I was worried he wouldn't) - it was good to get things off our chests, but it took a lot out of me, even if we were both less angry with each other by the end of it. I took the day off from work yesterday to try and recover some strength, took myself out someplace nice for the afternoon, and now I'm holding together a little bit better. But I just feel so weary, and I'm doing my best to push the sadness aside so I can get through the day. I can't let myself be crippled by this grief when I have forms to fill out and apartment searching to do....
It just crushes me whenever I think of him being with these other women (especially while I'm still living with him and we haven't even officially started the divorce mediation process). Thinking about the fact that soon, I won't be able to go to him for comforting hugs when I need a pair of warm arms around me (somehow I manage to still love him through all the anger and hurt). I'm surrounded by the love of my friends and family, but it's not always enough to chase away this pain. I feel so pathetic for letting myself get so attached to someone else that I fall apart when he can no longer be part of my life.
I'm strong, and I know I'll get through this in time, but I also feel so very weak. How do the rest of you cope with the waves of anger and sadness and depression and loneliness, and the sheer number of things that need to be done?

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Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Hey Brenda,
Thank you so much.. you're really good at this..... I am doing O.K. Said most days though. Takes a lot just to hold my head up sometimes but, I do. I have to, for my kids. Most of all it's not fair to them. Well, he's been in and out my bed everynight, late night. Too late to spend time with our children but early enough where he knows that no one else is there with me. Which there is no one else. Well, I have friend that is my shoulder and I actually cry to him about my husband and well he listens. It's tearing me u in side though because although he is totally happy with the way things are right now, I am totally unhappy. He has all the freedom in the world, no responsibility, and has me under his thumb at the same time. He just wants to make certain no other man is at his home, with his wife, or around his children. But, at the same time it's O.K. for us to be alone (all day) with him. No assistance from hime housekeeping, cooking, homework, nothing!! He even asked me for a key! WEll, I'm not giving him a key (I had the locks changed). Anyway, pray for me I don't know how much more of his BS I can take. It's like I can't let go, but being this way is tearing me apart.
I am soooo happy to hear that you are healing. It's inspiring to hear you say good things about your ex I guess that means it's really possible to move on. I hope you continue to live your life. Because that's exactly what this can do to you "Suck the life out of you." and leave you feeling worthless and that they are the only one that can make you happy. So, Continue going out and ENJOY, you've suffered enough already
Mocha
I am glad you have someone to talk too. That helps so much. Please take care of you. Do this first. I know how difficult that can be. You want to protect your children and put them first. Put yourself first for them. A healthy Momma is worth a lot.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Hello Brenda,
Bless you too Mocha!
Hugs, Brenda
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