Getting through the bad days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Getting through the bad days
41
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:30am

On Tuesday I went to look at another apartment, and decided after one look that I would be miserable there. There was nothing in particular wrong with it, it was just dark and felt dingy, despite being clean and presentable. The property wasn't attractive, and the carpets were an ugly brown, and I knew I would be depressed to come home to that apartment every day. Then I found out that apartment #1, which I had really liked, was already taken. So, back to the beginning.

Getting home, feeling frustrated, I pulled into the parking lot just in time to see my stbx climbing into a shiny red car with one of the women he had cheated on me with. He sees no problem with this since he considers himself single at this point, but I was devestated. We had a yelling match when he returned that night (which I was worried he wouldn't) - it was good to get things off our chests, but it took a lot out of me, even if we were both less angry with each other by the end of it. I took the day off from work yesterday to try and recover some strength, took myself out someplace nice for the afternoon, and now I'm holding together a little bit better. But I just feel so weary, and I'm doing my best to push the sadness aside so I can get through the day. I can't let myself be crippled by this grief when I have forms to fill out and apartment searching to do....

It just crushes me whenever I think of him being with these other women (especially while I'm still living with him and we haven't even officially started the divorce mediation process). Thinking about the fact that soon, I won't be able to go to him for comforting hugs when I need a pair of warm arms around me (somehow I manage to still love him through all the anger and hurt). I'm surrounded by the love of my friends and family, but it's not always enough to chase away this pain. I feel so pathetic for letting myself get so attached to someone else that I fall apart when he can no longer be part of my life.

I'm strong, and I know I'll get through this in time, but I also feel so very weak. How do the rest of you cope with the waves of anger and sadness and depression and loneliness, and the sheer number of things that need to be done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 3:32pm
Thank you, thank you for the words. It's hard to see that far down the road right now but, I do know that I can overcome this too. I'm glad that you are finally at that peaceful stage, where days go by and maybe you don't think of him at at all and if you do, not in that way...lol. I am doing O.K. It's hard as I'm sure you know. I realized this weekend that I have to stop allowing him to visit me at night :( because what situation could be better, for him????? Talk about cake and eatin it too... I just hope and pray that with every passin day, my load will get lighter and I can somehow get a grasp on things. My friends and family are very supportive. But it's at night when I long for him the most I think and of course not just physically. But, because of the children, it's my whine down time and I look around and they're sleeping and I'm there all alone. I talk to myself alot now LOL - "Well if he lived here, I'd probably still be along right now so....." and I go to bed (after a Tylenol PM or NyQuil )lol. How are u??
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 11:11pm
Had a wonderful time at the fair! You must have a fair in KS? Had a hard time, as when we were doing stuff "(BF) and I did this and I had fun!" Please meds, kick in. Your weekend? Maybe we should take this offline from here on out? Thoughts? I'll give you my email if you give me you yours!? I hope I am not rushing things?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:02pm
How are you doing Mocha? Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, I have been dealing with a sick friend. It has been a busy week. Last weekend I went out on my fourth date since my divorce in 2005. Scary experience, but I had a great time. I know about the night time longings. It is especially bad during the week I don't have my boys. I know most around here preach no contact, but if you're like me I need contact with my ex. Even if he never comes home he will always be my friend. I will not allow the 19 years we were together to be wasted. It wasn't all bad and I choose to remember the good. I slept with my ex for a long time after he left. He still comes sniffing around for sex. Last time was last night. I told him no last night. A first for me. The last time we were together I realized he wasn't what i wanted any longer. He physically hurt me and kept calling me a whore. I looked in the mirror and decided I am worth more than just being his toy. I want more. I want love. I want passion. I want the fairytale. I know I may never get it, but I can tell you I am never going to get it from my ex. This has been a big turning point for me. Yeah! I can also say though, that for the sake of my children if my ex asked to come home I would take him. I feel they deserve an intact family. Even though it wouldn't be best for me, I would sacrifice all for them. Take care of yourself. BTW, I use a sleeping pill called trazadone. I am a firm believer in better living through pharmacuticals. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:15pm
Hey Stu, Sorry it has been so long to respond. I have been caring for a friend who is in the hospital. If you would like to email me you can do this through my profile. Just be sure and put Stu in the title or I may delete it. We can exchange addys after that. How are you doing? I am so glad you had a good time at the fair. The Kansas State Fair started yesterday. I will not make it. I haven't been for years. My holiday weekend was good. I went on my fourth date since my divorce in 2005. I seem to be a little slow getting out there. Dating is very scary for me. Take care of yourself. Email me when you get time! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 4:03pm

Hey Brenda,

Thank you so much.. you're really good at this..... I am doing O.K. Said most days though. Takes a lot just to hold my head up sometimes but, I do. I have to, for my kids. Most of all it's not fair to them. Well, he's been in and out my bed everynight, late night. Too late to spend time with our children but early enough where he knows that no one else is there with me. Which there is no one else. Well, I have friend that is my shoulder and I actually cry to him about my husband and well he listens. It's tearing me u in side though because although he is totally happy with the way things are right now, I am totally unhappy. He has all the freedom in the world, no responsibility, and has me under his thumb at the same time. He just wants to make certain no other man is at his home, with his wife, or around his children. But, at the same time it's O.K. for us to be alone (all day) with him. No assistance from hime housekeeping, cooking, homework, nothing!! He even asked me for a key! WEll, I'm not giving him a key (I had the locks changed). Anyway, pray for me I don't know how much more of his BS I can take. It's like I can't let go, but being this way is tearing me apart.

I am soooo happy to hear that you are healing. It's inspiring to hear you say good things about your ex I guess that means it's really possible to move on. I hope you continue to live your life. Because that's exactly what this can do to you "Suck the life out of you." and leave you feeling worthless and that they are the only one that can make you happy. So, Continue going out and ENJOY, you've suffered enough already

Mocha

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 9:43pm
Hello Mocha, You sound a little down today. Are you taking care of you? I am guessing you need a bubble bath and a glass of wine (or the whole bottle if you can get someone to watch the little ones). Darlin' I know how hard it is to tell them no to sex. If you are like me you question whether anyone will ever want to sleep with you again. You need to ask yourself, what am I getting out of this? For me in the begining it was my ex. I thought I was getting love from him. I had myself fooled, why else would he sleep with me? After about a year and a half it became about the sex. I missed it and wanted it. I was still getting the intimacy I needed. About six months ago I started to realize it wasn't that good. I don't know that it has really changed. I am guessing I did. And no I am able to tell him no. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. Give yourself time. You will gain strength. Some, like me, are just slow learners. I had to grieve in my own time. Many people told me to just get over it. Those are also the same people that have never been through it. There will be firsts everyday. (first holidays, dates, school things alone etc.) They are hard. I am here to tell you seconds aren't great but they are easier. I am actually looking forward to some of the thirds. Time will heal you and give you strength. In time you will realize you are worth so much more. I am here to tell you, you are special. Slowly unwrap yourself and see what is inside.
I am glad you have someone to talk too. That helps so much. Please take care of you. Do this first. I know how difficult that can be. You want to protect your children and put them first. Put yourself first for them. A healthy Momma is worth a lot.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 12:11pm
I know what you mean when you want to feel his arms around you. My husband moved out a month ago, and there are times when I don't think I'll be able to get through a day without him. But I have my children with me, and right now on those really bad days it's because of them that I can make it through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 12:59am
I don't know how to get through the bad days. I just found out that my husband of 18 years and father of my three children is a lying sociopath. His latest girlfriend called a few hours ago and told me that she had been having an affair with him for 15 months. I know it's true, because he had an affair before and everything just fits too well. I really loved him. There is nothing like the comfort of having your husband who you love with you and now it is gone. I can't sleep tonight, but I have to keep it together for my kids. This is absolutely the worst time -- 2 of them are going to college next year. I don't know how I will afford it. I have to function tomorrow at my job without sleep.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 9:22am

Hello Brenda,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 1:58pm

Bless you too Mocha!

Hugs, Brenda