GF has taken my place in family outings

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
GF has taken my place in family outings
9
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 4:47pm

Hi Everyone-

I am divorced and I'm still learning how to not be part of a couple and family.

My problem right now is how do you folks deal with the exclusion of things that have been a family tradition?

Example-For at least the last 7 years, my ex and I have gone fishing at this certain dock every friday in the month of August. This past Thursday, he asked to take the kids fishing. You guessed it - New girlfriend was there in my place. It's just so frustrating and upsetting to be left behind. Yea-I could go there with the boys myself but it was more of a father/son thing and I enjoyed watching them.

It's just another road block that I have to get over. I just have to start my own traditions with the boys in the meantime.

It's also upsetting that he has someone to do this stuff with and I don't. Sometimes I feel as though I'm trying to rush into meeting someone just for the sake of having someone. Then I get mad at myself for trying to rush into meeting someone.

Thanks for any input.

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 5:06pm

Hope you don't mind my input. I'm new to this board and to this Separation/Divorce process. But I just wanted to say that your situation is one of my biggest fears. There are a lot of Family things that I do with his family. And I don't want to be replaced by some new, younger, skinner, B.

I read your post and just felt really bad. That's really crummy. Why can't he find his own new traditions also. It's like he's taking everything. I would be mad. But really what good would that do?

I know I don't have any good advice for the situation, but just wanted you to know that I can understand how you feel.

As far as another relationship for you...You really should take your time with that. You'll find the right person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 5:43pm

I read your post and know just how you feel. While, for the time being, I have reconciled with my H, less than 2 months after we separated last year, he was already "talking" with someone from work. When I later found out, he told me she was just being nice and supportive of him and that they only went out with groups of friends. Later I found out that they actually went out on dates, and went places with our daughter together. He said it was the same as if he had called one of his guy friends, but we both know that's a lie. The OW had also given our daughter gifts on several occasions unbeknownst to me. He also said they never slept together, but I found a box of condoms with one missing in a duffle bags with clothes - as if he had spent the night "somewhere." He still has never told me "where" that condom went. Hmmm...

I am still having a very difficult time with this. He doesn't want to talk about it at all - thinks it's just being rehashed, but I still think about it all the time. I truly believe that I reconciled so quickly with him after I'd moved out because, while I didn't realize it at the time, I felt completely replaced. It is an awful feeling. Perhaps if I had dated someone at the same time, I wouldn't have felt so bad/angry/hurt. But we were separated and I felt that you shouldn't get involved with anyone until you're completely divorced.

My sister, who has been divorced for over 6 years from a psycho who started living with someone very quickly after divorce paperwork was filed, said when she finally just let go of worrying about what he was doing that she immediately felt 100 times better. She just makes up her own traditions with her two children. She just has to think back to how horrible it was being married to him and that's all it takes for her to be able to move on to new and better experiences.

Perhaps you could start some new and fun traditions with your kids? Forget about the past stuff. Maybe get some input from your kids on some place fun to visit, or just surprise them. That could turn out to be a lot more fun anyway for all of you!

And, I wouldn't rush into another relationship just because he has. Not all, but a lot of men can't be alone and they just rush right into something else, never dealing with all of their issues.

I wish you peace within yourself to get through this difficult time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 6:37pm

I was dreading this kind of thing for a while too. But as I started to build a life for myself that makes me happy and new routines and traditions with the kids, the less this bothered me.

It is another kind of loss in a process when you are facing so much loss. That's why filling your life with new things that make you excited and happy will help with that. It is okay the mourn the losses as long as we don't let ourselves wallow in that sorrow and forget to live.

I think the first year of separation and divorce is full of firsts. This is the first August you are missing out on something you always did and that is compounded by the fact that someone else is getting to do those things with the children you love. But no one can replace you with your children.

I think you are also right about not rushing into something just to have someone. You do have someone - You! The better you know yourself, like yourself and know what you want the richer the next relationship will be.

Hugs as you face these challenges and feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 7:24pm

I certainly don't mind input - good - bad or indifferent.

I was replaced by an older, skinner, b. I told EX he could have done better. If he was going to replace me, it could have picked someone prettier and younger. Anyways-

Unfortunately, EX doesn't do much with the kids so I am very happy he continues to fish with his sons. I just wish he didn't bring his GF. He moved her into our maritial home on a trial basis for the next three months so I get to hear alot of "M" did this and "M" did that. Of course I found out he fixed the headboard that broke when we moved into the house 7 years ago. It's just those little things that the kids say that bug me but of course you can't let the kids know.

He has also making it difficult with his extended family who have included me in 3 family gatherings this summer by saying he and "M" will be at the party and it would be uncomfortable for me to be there. The two parties that occurred he didn't show. He basically doesn't want me to be close to his family anymore.

Thanks for your support.

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 7:36pm

I really hope your reconciliation works for you. At one point early on when I found out he was having an affair (he says he never had sex until I filed for divorce) he asked me why I was rushing into divorce. He wanted to let the cards lie where they may so to speak. Unfortunately, it wasn't an option for me. Some days I think "what if" I didn't rush into filing. But I do know he doesn't care for me as he once did because he wouldn't have done some of the things he did.

I do take my kids to my parents campsite which EX only went once in the past three years and they really enjoy it (and so do I) I am taking my younger son to a Yankees game this weekend. I do try to take the kids on an outing. The hard part is they travel 35 miles to their dad's so they are tired of being in the car.

Thanks again for your kind words.

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 7:46pm

When I first read your post - it brought tears to my eyes. Your are right, this is definately the year of "Firsts". Sometimes, EX says things or does something and my first thought is I wish we were divorced, then I remember we are! Divorce just separates the husband and wife however, it doesn't mean they are out of your life. We have this bond together with our kids and no matter how much I don't want to talk to my EX right now, I have to be reasonable for the kids.

I also know my kids will always be my kids. I know when we first were separated and I would pick the kids up from his house, my little one would scream "Mommy" and give me a big hug. EX was jealous because he never got this welcoming from his kids. EX just never got the fact that you have to show love to be loved.

I'm really trying hard to deal with the lonliness when the kids at their dads. I'm on my second book this summer which is really a big accomplishment. I've been spending time at the pool at my new townhouse reading and swimming to try and get back into shape.

Thanks again for your support - It really is helpful.

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 9:59am
You know, I have been having the same fears. But my stbx has stressed that I will still be part of the family and as such, I will always be welcome at holiday stuff and weddings (like his mom's this winter.) Of course I will probably have to put up with her at said wedding and she'll probably be at our son's graduation. But I'll deal with that when and if it really happens. I told him I didn't want to lose a whole family since I don't really have one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 11:27am

My H also said that he didn't do anything until I had actually filed the paperwork and moved out. He still denies that they slept together. I just think there are too many little signs for it not to be true. Plus, he's lied every time I've asked him a question.

No matter who initiates the divorce, it's difficult. My H thought I was pretty flippant about filing, but he seems to have amnesia regarding his behavior the previous 10 or more years.

I understand about having the kids in the car all the time. When my H moved to his brother's for 7 months, he was an hour away and our daughter was with him every weekend, so it was a heck of a lot of driving. It gets tiring for all concerned.

Have fun at the Yankees' game!

Peace and hugs to you and your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:30pm

Hey there overreacting,

This kind of thing will hurt for a while.

I'm guessing that you are newly divorced. Ex-hubby is an idiot for including the new girlfriend so soon, and in a "family" tradition. In this one specific case, I'd have a discussion with him -- its rather insensative of him to include the girlfriend in something like this.

As to your own traditions -- they will happen, and for a while you may need to force yourself to try and do things with the kids. That's normal. And there are no prohibitions on what "turf" belongs to dad or mom. The older child is boy scouts age, have you thought about that ? Parents are always needed to help a troop out. That's a great way to share a child-parent experience.

As for dating -- it takes a long time to appropriately greive the end of a marriage. Let it take time. You are better served by allowing yourself the time now. Your ex-hubby current squeeze is a rebound, and until he properly greieves, all his girlfriends will be rebounds.