GF spaking DD - Need your input

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
GF spaking DD - Need your input
6
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:23pm

Hate my XH and his GF. HOwever, I have always told my 7yr DD to listen to GF DO NOT BE SNOTTY, TALK BACK ETC....she doesn't anyway. No is my child an angel no but she isn't one to NOT listen to people. she gets in trouble for 7yr old stuff. However my XH and I were together for over 17yrs. GF had baby with my XH while he was still my hubby she was sweet as pie to my DD but now that she has 2 of her own she likes to get after my DD. After the 1st time my DD told me about GF putting my DD on the floor and putting her legs up to her head (yeah OUCH) and that XH was not around my DD started crying and GF told her to quit being a baby. Oh yeah I confronted my XH and said if she wanted to put someones legs to their head try it on me and I can gurantee I will NOT be crying. Yes my DD is a wuss and she gets that from her dad. Seriously she is so hypersensitive. Which is fine that is why I know that she isn't a bad kid. she is really really a good kid. Her dad has only spanked her once while we were married and after he did it he cried worse then our DD. So I said to XH the first time "your sisters have never touched my DD, my sisters have never touched my DD so WTF does she think she can put her hands on her?!!!" At that time he was all lippy with me and saying yeah whatever adn OK is that it and on and on. I told him he was pathetic that he wouldn't stand up for his DD but that I sure as hell would. So brings us to this past week, DD goes wtih XH and GF every other week during summer months. I do NOT want to know what happens when she is there (sometimes better not too) but I do ask if she got in trouble I don't try to put words in her mouth I just ask "Did you get in trouble?" And she knows if that means GF spanked or pulled her hair (yeah she did that too). Why do I believe my 7yr old DD because these two pieces of ^$%# lied the whole time they were cheating on me. I will believe my DD over them anyday. Oh and it isn't my DD saying "mom she hit me because I didnt' put my shoes away." Because DD knows if she tells you pick up your jacket you do it. If she yells at you for it then you deserve it but I DON'T WANT HER HITTING MY CHILD. So I confronted XH this past friday when he picked up DD. CALMLY said " hey DD said that GF spanked her again and I told you before I don't want this. If she requires to be spanked then you better do it. I have told her NOT to be lippy and to listen to her so why does she feel she can continue to put her hand on my child?" Surprisingly XH said "No that won't happen again. I dont' even spank her." I said "Exactly then why would she think she has to the right to do it to her?" He said "It won't happen." I said "I dont' thik you would appreciate it if the other person in my life spanked DD (there isn't anyone for me but regardless)." XH said "Oh hell no I would come and kill him and then kill you." I said "Ok now that we are on the same wave length. If this happens again then she wont' go with you. I dont' care if you have to contempt of court my A** but she won't go." He said "No I will take care of DD and if she needs to be yelled at."

What do you all think????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 8:54am

I think you've handled it the best you can for the time being. Your XH is aware of the situation, he's promised to take care of it so now all you can do is wait and see if he's true to his word. If he is, then problem solved. If not, then do what you have to do to protect your child.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:20am
that is just it. I dont' know what to do next. Say "my DD said" I mean what proof is that even though I believe my DD with all my heart but again it is a 7yr and for all i know they (GF and DD have always gotten along) except until she had her own kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 11:14am

As of right now there really isn't anything you can do. You've let your XH know what you've been told, he's already agreed to take care of it and now you have to wait. Give your X a chance to take care of the situation and let his GF know that she is not to lay a hand on your DD. IF it happens again then take action. Let your X and his GF know that this is not acceptable and that your DD will not be allowed over there. Go to court and change the agreement if you have to, but don't let this continue. Unfortunatly it's not uncommon for new W's or SO to take out their jelousy or frustration on the children of previous M's or R's after they have their own children. I don't know why it happens, but it does and it's wrong.

For now though, you have to give your X a chance to deal with it. From what you've said he's a good dad in spite of everything. Give him the opportunity to handle it before it turns into a battle that only hurts your DD more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 11:42am

Oh my XH isn't the best dad (nor am I the perfect mother but I am a hell of a lot better than him for sure) this and that has nothing to do with the fact that the GF is spanking her. XH just NEVER hit our DD only the one time and he felt it more than her.

I have asked DD if she is scared to be with just GF and she says no. Which I believe her. I know she loves her dad and wants to spend time with him and I would try NOT to ever take that from her (as much as I hate him). I know I just have to have documentation and documentation. Like I said I don't want to be the mom that said "His GF is yelling at my DD for X." NO! But I will be the mom that says "His GF is spanking my child and that has to stop."

I worked for a doctor who has 50/50 (not that she wanted it) and her XH was the one physically spanking/hitting only one of their children in particular (they have 3 children) the spanking hand print mark on the child's thigh was 2 days old by the time my doctor friend found it. she called CPS and they told her NOT to send the child with him until their investigation was over with. Well guess what......she was served with contempt of court for denial of parenting time even with this investigation. she had to pay a fine. The judge did put that no corpal punishment will be used by either parent. Well guess what this time he hit the one particular child in the head with a flashlight because she bonked her little brother on the head (this child is 6yr) and her little bro is 4yr but she bonked him with a little hand held flashlight not a purpose they were playing and the dad said how do you like it MADE HER HEAD BLEED and doctor didn't find out about it until 2 days later when she was giving this child a bath. She called CPS again and they are investigating but this time CPS told her to send the children back like she is ordered until they can present a case. Same STATE as myself just different county but I am scared that if it continues (I know give it a chance and I am going way out on limb) then if the court doesn't say crap about a BIO parent spanking or enforcing an order then what the heck would they do with NON-BIO spanking a child. I can't afford to pay for fines and contempt of court if I don't send her. I would do it anyway but I think you can get my point even though I am way out here in left field.

I appreciate your input thank you so much!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:39pm

Here's an idea of something you can do. Ask the school counselor if there is a group at school for kids from divorced parents. If there is, ask that she be a participant. If not, ask if they can start one and include your dd. A LOT of schools have this. At the very least, they have a mental health counselor (not to be confused with the school counselor) who can meet with kids individually upon the parents request or a staff request with parental permission. If she says things in the group/individual counseling that indicates that there is abuse or possible abuse, the counselor is then required by law to report it. They are much more likely to do so than a school staff member (unfortunate, but true).

Another thing to do is to look up the law in your state. It's different for each state. Most states do not allow anyone other than a bio parent to physically discipline the child, if they even allow that. If you can't find it, call your local police or CSD and ask. In the state my kids were raised in, hitting them on the rear end with a hand that didn't leave a mark was not against the law. However, step-parents could not do this. Only bio parents. One last thing to note is that this can depend on your jurisdiction, as well. The law is only as good as those enforcing it. IE, even though the law is what it is where my kids grew up, the courts won't uphold it to that standard in that area. Move 200 miles north in the same state, and they do. But it's something you could use to scare the SM and try for a restraining order should it come to that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:49pm

So much!!! So many wonderful ideas and input. I knew I could count on all of you. I truly appreciate it. I just didn't want to make it sound like I was a "typical" XW this and that complaining of everything under the sun. I DON'T.

Well I will input all of everyone's 2 cents. Thank you!