Giving him back to the universe
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| Thu, 05-03-2007 - 10:25pm |
Hi,
I've been D now for 2 years. My exH will not speak to me or have any contact at all. We have no kids. Here is a brief recap: I was M for 10 years. I was involved in an EMA the last year of my M (I realize now it was because I was desperately lonely in my M and also didn't have the courage to leave without having this emotional attachment to another to help me through it. Not proud of this but this is my reality and where I was at the time.). The A lasted 3 years and my exH never found out...after my M ended I thought that I might actually end up with exAP. I didn't think this leaving my M but afterwards exAP thought of being with me. But he couldn't do it and so I ended it. It ended 6 months ago. I don't feel proud of my weakness but it is a part of my history and all I can do is try to learn from it and grow.
It was traumatic to end my M--I chose to leave and he was devastated. But having my exAP to escape into kept me distracted from the devastation of my M ending in my own broken heart. Also, i lost my father a few months after my M ended. So having my father suddenly and terminally ill was a huge distraction. Mourning my father's loss took up most of my emotional space. It has been a traumatic and altering couple of years. Throughout all of this, I never regretted leaving my M. I was sad but I believed with all my heart it was the right choice and that we couldn't grow together anymore and that it had to end because we couldn't make it work. And we both tried hard with all our might to make it work. I didn't want it to end and I wanted to be married. I loved him.
So...6 months ago my A ended, and in the last 6 months, especially the last month, all this anguish and remorse and deep regret about my exH is coming up. It is overwhelming me. I was SO CERTAIN I didn't want my M anymore, and I still believe it would be impossible. But what is really difficult for me is that now that all these other distractions are gone, I am overcome with grief and longing for me exH. I realize that even though I packed MY bags and I left, I realize now that he gave me no other choice. He was always so angry with me and it was surpressed. He didn't really seem to want me in many ways and we grew apart. I feel like I left but really he held the door, so to speak, emotionally. He kicked me out of his heart in many ways years ago and I was always trying to get him to love me like he used to but I never could. I failed. But oh how i loved him. How I still love him. How I still cry.
My problem: I can't seem to let go. I can't seem to move on. I thought I was over him and moved on, but now I see that it feels like I am truly grieving for the first time since i first moved out 2 years ago. I don't cry for exAP. Never. I cry for my exH. He was the one I really thought I would grow old with. I remember our wedding day and when I was saying my vows, I MEEANT them. I miss him so much and he has banished me from his life forever. Now he has a GF and has moved on and doesn't want me in his life in any way and I need to ACCEPT this and give him back to the universe. He deserves to have happiness and love in a way that feels right to him. I couldn't give that to him. And I need to let him go so that I can move on. I can't and feel stuck in depression and grief, and I'm sure under that is deep rage that he didnt' want me. It's like I am just realizing thisnow. It appeared that I betrayed him and abandoned him, but I didn't really do that until I reacted to HIS abandoning ME emotionally first. I go to T and am trying to work through it. But it is like I'm stuck on a hamster wheel of sadness and longing. I keep thinking about special moments we shared. How he used to care for me if I was sick. I hear his voice. I see him in my dreams. I miss his smell. I miss him. But I cannot have him and never will. I lost him years before my M ended though he would never admit to this. He hates me.
I don't seem to have any room in my heart for another love right now. No one compares. I've dated but no one compares to my exH. I must remmeber we D for reasons. But right now in all my remorse and finally taking responsibility for my role in the demise of my M, I feel so much sadness. I miss him. I feel like I will never find another.
I am so confused as to why and how these intense feelings are surfacing so powerfully now. It is so deep and sad. I am crying as I type. It feels more genuine and real and profound than my exA grief. This feels HUGE. I miss my exH. I wish I could let him go and allow the space in my heart for new love or even just for peace.
How do i let go of him? How do I heal? When and how does the longing go away? I need closure. I miss him. I am hurting.
Edited 5/3/2007 10:29 pm ET by loves_me

I'm sorry for your pain. It sounds like you've had an immense amount of loss in the past 2 years and no time to grieve it. My gut instinct tells me that you may be projecting all of your grief onto one person- or the idea of one person, at any rate. I don't know, it's just a guess, but i thought I'd mention it in case it gives you something to consider.
Seriously, I'm a fan of counseling. I think anyone who goes through divorce should go for counseling. You have been through 2 relationship breakups and loss of a parent, counseling would probably help you sort some of that stuff out.
But really, you need time. Don't fear the feelings you're having surface now. Don't let them rule your life either. Just let them come, acknowledge them, and then let them go. But most of all, allow yourself the chance to deal with it and try not to engage in further distraction. Give yourself the gift of time and patience to heal and grow. You will come out the other side of this trying time so much stronger.
{{hugs}}
YOu have to get past it. You chose to end it and you said it yourself...you no longer want the marriage. It's normal to miss him and you had so much going on after leaving, you were distracted from getting over it.
Let me tell you a story..it's similar to yours. So you can see I understand. My first husband and I were married almost 10 years. We were HS sweethearts. We were very much in love at one time, but then things went bad and he cheated with a co-worker. It turned into an affair. I had no clue. We split up and I begged for counseling and he refused. Until later, I had no idea why. Then I figured it out. He was in love with her. I became busy. I went out with friends, I did everything, immersed myself in work and put that hurt on the backburner and then eventually met my now husband, Shane before I was ready to admit how bad it hurt and how insecure I was. I dated others but I didn't feel for them what I felt for Shane. We became engaged quickly, I moved in and we married and had a daughter. I began early on to get upset when Shane would want to go out without me, I snooped, I went thru everything of his because now I had no job and no friends since I moved away with him. I began to feel the hurt I did not allow myself to feel and I had no gotten counseling for it. It has ruined my marriage. We are now separated. We may not make it. I am in counseling now, but it may be too late. He saw a side of me that he thought was real. It was but underneath it was a world of pain. He had no idea.
So what you need to do is learn from my experience. Do not let this eat you alive. Seek counseling. I know you miss him, but you will get past it. Not on your own and another man will not help. I hope you will seek help for this. It works.
~Melissa~
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Thanks so much for your feedback, guys. I am in T and have been for the last 8 years. That has been a huge source of learning and growth (not always comfort though, because facing the truth is sometimes hard!). I am looking for more ways to let go emotionally of my exH.
I wonder if part of my clinging to him emotioanlly now is becuase I am suddenly single, lonely and anxious about my future, wheras he has moved ON and is in a R....he has let me go. So maybe it's a push-pull thing.
In any event, I am trying my hardest to get comfortable being with just ME....me with my friends and family and alone. Not in a love R. I am not ready and need to build my self-esteem and worth. Would love ideas on how to do that or hear how you all are doing that.
Loves,
Hi. I'm glad you are in therapy. That gives you a 'lifeline' to heol onto when it tough. Meanwhile, you've experienced a lot of loss in the past years. You have to grieve it to let it go. I'm sure your therapist has probably told you something simliar.
How you grieve and where you direct your anguish and grief is different for everyone. I grieved my divorce by going to the gym. I was a fanatic for a long time - aerobics, weight lifting, running, biking, swimming. Looking back I'm sure some people thought I was obsessed with fitness! For me, it was a safe way to release my grief and pain. I also taught myself how to cook (for one). I hated it at first because it reminded me of my single state. I kept at it and soon enjoyed creating new dishes for myself and friend
I suggest you think about things you've always wanted to do or used to and gave up during your marriage. Is there a hobby or interest you'd like to explore? It could be ceramics or rock climbing, walking, gardening, etc. Sign up for a class or find a group who engages in the activity you like. You'll find you have something to look forward to and make new friends in the process.
I also highly recommend a book called "Rebuilding: When your relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher. It reads like a roadmap to breaking up. Take the time to get a copy. You'll be glad you did.
Take care and let us know how you are doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
wisdom,
THANK YOU for your suggestions. I can't believe you mentioned that book. I bought it over a year ago and it has been sitting on a shelf, and last night after I posted this topic, I pulled it down and started reading it! It has been comforting and giving me ideas, especially about how to heal and grow self-esteem.
I just signed up for a hiking group and also a volunteer group working with teenagers and feeding the poor, as well as guitar lessons! I am feeling really excited about participating in all of these activities. I hope that over time in doing these things, my self-esteem will grow. I am just starting these activities and the first one is tomorrow.
I do realize that I am being proactive in my healing, so I should try to give myself a pat on the back. It is hard though because I think beneath my sadness and longing is DEEP RAGE. I feel SO ANGRY that my exH couldn't love me, has moved on, didn't acknowledge my dad's passing...I am so ENRAGED that my dad is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring him back...I AM SO ENRAGED that I have such a boring job that is way beneath my talents.
I guess I can try to do something about the job, and about healing and moving on...but not about my dad or exH. I need to let go. Maybe by embracing me a little more I can let them go. I see this all in type and it sounds logical. But the tears and the rage don't go away when night falls...it just keeps coming back over and over night after night.
I don't know how comfortable you are with new age-y things, the title of your post gave me the feeling that you might be open to them. If you are I'd highly suggest this book:
Your Aura and Chakras: An Owners Manual
by Karla McLaren
She has exercises that help you channel your emotions. Her original work was with people who'd been sexually abused as children. I'm not really that much into this kind of stuff for the most part but I've always been open to anything that could help and I came across this book when I was going through a devastating break-up with the man that I am now married to (though not sure how much longer). This book brought me out of a severe depression in which I'd even started contemplating suicide. Its a great book that teaches how to set boundaries and learning what your emotions mean and how to use them to help you instead of repressing them or dumping them all over others. She's got another one called Emotional Genius that has more information about all this stuff but I like this one because it is literally a how-to book.
It just really sounds like you are in emotional overwhelm right now and I really think this could help you channel them so that they become more manageable for you.
I meant to put a link to the book in my last post. Here it is:
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Aura-Chakras-Owners-Manual/dp/1578630479/ref=sr_1_1/103-3429981-5893412?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1178914654&sr=8-1
Loves,
I'm so sorry about the loss of your father. I lost my Dad when I was 22. I was dating husband #1 at the time. Your grief for your father plus the grief over your divorce is a very heavy burden to bear. With time you will heal from both. I encourage you to seek help with the loss of your father as well as you divorce. It's very hard to lose our support systems.
After my divorce I used to think it would be easier if my ex had died. With death there is a ritual - a process, visitation, funerals, burial. There is a body to bury. You know with death there is finality. With divorce there is no "ritual" like a funeral. I used to think there should be a memorial wall for marriages that ended in divorce, just like the war memorials.
It's been 10 years since my divorce date and I look back now and think about all the things I thought then. I am a completely different - and I think - better person than I was then.
I hope one day you'll feel the same way. Keep reading "Rebuilding" it's a great place to start!
Good luck with your new interests. Let us know how you're doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020