Go back and forth and the kids stay??
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| Fri, 02-09-2007 - 1:42pm |
(The subject line isn't long enough!)
That should read "Mom and Dad go back and forth and the kids stay?
STBX (div. is final at the end of this month) and I have been living separately for 2 years now, separated for 3. He stayed in the marital home, refused to leave, and I have been renting. We are both in almost identical financial situations as far as our incomes. We both contribute equally to all care and needs for the kids, and everything is civil. We are friends (known each other for 15 years, married for 5), but just not good married people.
We have 2 kids, 6.5 and 4. The kids do ok with the shuffling (we have a set schedule, 3 days one house and 4 days the other), but I can't swing this financially for much longer, and STBX could use a break too. Rent in our area is way up, as is real estate. I can't buy, he can't buy, and I am already renting out of my range as it is.
Living Together isn't an option anymore (obviously!) but I am interested in hearing from civil couples (ex-couples!) who have done the bouncing technique - where the parents bounce back and forth but the kids always stay in one house. If STBX and I could work out splitting the rent on an efficiency apartment and keep the kids' house, I think it would be SO much easier on everyone. It would cost half of what I am paying for rent now (I would contribute some to his mortgage, and he to the rent) and the kids wouldn't have to schlep back and forth, deal with transitioning, etc.
I have tried dating, but am not into it right now - just want to focus on the kids. He doesn't date either, so that won't be an issue for us right now.
Thoughts? Ideas? Experiences? No bashing please :) just looking for some points of view.
(cross-posting this on the Div. & Custody board too... I hope I didn't intrude and post the wrong type of question here on your board)
Thanks very much and good luck to everyone! I speak of my own civil situation, but even that has its darkest days, so I consider myself in good company when I lurk here :) You all have very good information and advice.
Beth


Yes, I have heard of it and we are planning to do it for the first several months. I think it may be better for the kids. I think the adults, as adults can handle the disruption better.
That said, I am having a bit of cold feet because once this house is MY house (that's my plan) then I don't want him commenting on how it is decorated or whether I can afford a new piece of furniture or whether I can even afford a cleaning lady (one of his biggest marks against me is that I have someone clean the house every other week).
So, I don't know, long term whether I could put up with it. If my stbx were the kind of guy who did his share of the work then it might be ok, but he will leave me dirty dishes, trashed house, dirty laundry ... so I will still be cleaning up after him. And that is one of my biggest marks against him. So, for me, I think it would perpetuate some of the problems in the marriage.
If none of these issues apply to you all, then I think it is a great idea. Until, of course, either of you get a significant other -- then I suppose it could be complicated.
I am all for amicable divorces and am somewhat resistant to the idea that parents must have nothing to do with each other around the kids. So good luck to you. Let us know what you decide and how it goes.
M
The first time my sweetie and his XW separated, they did this. He was never comfortable in her apartment, spent very little time there, and slept on the couch. He said it was a weird feeling because he KNEW that she had a few boyfriends, so he never knew what had gone on in the apartment the night before, and trust me, they were civil about their separation.
After a little over a year, she moved back into the house, and about 6 months after that, he'd had enough and moved out. After the divorce was final, he got the house back, but she'd pick the boys up after school at what was now legally his house. He'd find her very long hair in the sink and his brush. And he knew she was snooping in his drawers because things were rearranged. He told her that if she had to use the bathroom when she picked the boys up, she could use theirs.... HIS was off limits.
So think about if you want your XH to have free access to anything that you'd leave in a house or apartment when he was there alone.
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie