God, give me strength

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
God, give me strength
5
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:13pm

Give me strength to deal with my 11 yo son. Seems he's enjoying having the last word with me, debating me, and rebutting everything I say. If I said the sky is blue, he'll come back with reasons it's not--and you KNOW he is right (his view). Every single thing I've said tonight-from no basketball practice tomorrow, to whether the dog peed or not-he's argued with me about. I'm sooooo sick and tired of it all.

I went off on him tonight in the car after we ate at a restaurant. I told him i'm sick and tired of the disrespect. I'm tired of the debating. I'm tired of the smart mouth. I'm tired of the attitude. I'm done. I'm tired. I actually said that if he thinks it would be better at his fathers, then to go. Of course, this wont happen-my ex dont want him-it would impede his social life. Everytime I tell him to do something, it takes me saying it 5 x before he does it. It is totally getting old.

I love my son to death...but God forgive me, I'm not liking him much right now. I'm at my wits end with him.

Phew, that vent felt good.....

Time to go supervise the "only a little" homework he had--he's been doing it for 1 1/2 hours (so much for "only a little"). he's like a freaking kindergardner. I have to watch him brush his teeth-cuz he's not doing it good enough (per dentist). I have to supervise his homework, cuz he's not finishing it. I have to treat him like a little bitty baby. jesus...thought it got a bit easier as they got older?????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:34pm

My son was the same way at 11. He had decided he wanted to go to a charter school. I questioned him several times to make sure he was sure. He was sure and started going to the charter school. We had problems right away. He was not doing the necessary work. At charter schools there is a little more work and more responsibility for the kids. At one point I was meeting with the school on a weekly basis to go over his school work. My STBX never went to any of the meetings. It was a very stressful time.

My son will be 14 next month. The thing that worked the best is I had to let go. I had to let him fail and let him be fully responsible for his actions. It was really hard, but it worked and it was worth it. Now he knows that if he doesn't do his schoolwork he will fail or have to go to summer school. He had to go to summer school last summer.

Right now his attitude is not great, but I am sure a lot of it has to do with the divorce. Sometimes I catch him trying to treat me like my STBX has, controlling little things I do, or telling me something I am doing is dumb. I have made it very clear that I will not tolerate this behavior and I punish him for it, no video games, or ice skating get his attention. I am hoping once we are in our own place I can teach him how people that love each other should treat each other. I know it will be a lot of work, but it is definately worth it.

Hang in there. 11 was one of the hardest ages my son has had so far. If you want to talk to me more about this you can e-mail me.

Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:43am

((((((((((((DEBS))))))))))))))))


Huge hugs coming your way...I'll keep you in my prayers too!


I don't have any advice but wanted to drop by and give you a hug!!!

**hugs**


~Lexi


~*~*continuing on my journey of self-love & discovery to be the BEST that I can be!~*~*

Hugs~ Lexi

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 9:43am

Get this book, Girl!.... Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens (STEP) by Sr. Don Dinkmeyer


But, I'd say.... right now you've got to bite your tongue to start with (he's 11.... he can wait 30 minutes for YOU to gather your thoughts before you respond to him)... and think before you speak about his actions affect HIM (not you ;-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 7:32am

oh gosh debs - its just STARTING for you! you have another 10 years or so to get thru the wonderful teen years....


here is a point, tho: your son can't hold an ARGUMENT on his own. so - STOP having debates with him. when he says "no, the sky isn't blue, its a shade between grey and turquoise" ---- just ignore him. don't even SAY anything like "i am not going to have this discussion with you" or anything. it takes patient - but try it. then - when all is calm, and he is in a better mood, try sitting him down and talking to him, and LISTENING to him.


DON"T say things five times before he does them - say it once. THEN you simply have a list of consequences, and YOU ENFORCE THEM. and no - its not easy but its the only way to do things. for example, if you find yourself yelling and begging him to do chores - well, then, you simply DON'T drive him somewhere he needs to go, or you STOP Making his favorite dinner, etc.


teens are just little adults trying to make their way in the world. they stretch the limits all the time to see how far they can go. its your job to be one step ahead of him. my son is now 18 so that is what HE tells me...


there are some boards here that deal with preteens and teens. and you also might want to speak with a family therapist who deals with teens.


good luck


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 11:39am
I don't know if it gets any easier until they actually move out of the house.I have a 17 yr old son and believe me,I don't think it is any eaiser than it was when he was 11.Sometimes I think it is harder.Now we have the driving issues and the SAT issues,which he assures me can breeze through without any prep time at all ( Yeah right Mr.Einstein).And of course the curfew and girlfriend issues.Everytime they have a fight or argument the whole family suffers for it.I also have an 11 yr old DD and a 3 yr old DD.Needless to say I am not looking forward to the next 15 yrs.Although on a bright note,I would be absoulutely lost without them,they are my life.Keep your chin up and good luck!!