God I feel so sick!
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 04-16-2005 - 2:16pm |
I found another email from one of those women. Now he's searching that stupd adultfriendfinder and has been watching web cams, etc. Just the other day when I got home he's boasting he's so hor*ey and he doesn't know why. I know why! He's on the stupid computer all day while I'm at work. (he makes his own hours).
I HAVE TO get out of this marriage but I am so scared of the financial ramifications. I heard this woman say her husband was a total jerk (but she had kids) and he wound up costing her $53,000 in lawyers fees! Even though mine is making me sick with this behavior, I just want to split the house and the home equity loan in half and tell him to go find someone that swings--if that's what makes him happy.
I just don't know how to approach him. He's going to go ballistic when he sees the evidence I have on him and tell him I want out. This is the WRONG time for this. I hardly have any money in savings, I want to quit my awful job and get another one, and I so don't want to lose this house. During this whole process I DO NOT want to be the one that has to leave MY house that I bought!
I feel so utterly sick. I so wish our lawyer wasn't a chauvenistic pig and made me put his name on the house contract when I bought it (it was my money).
Any ideas on how to proceed? Would it be wise to start interviewing lawyers now or just confront him and tell him to get out? (which will result in him going ballistic that I was on his computer).

If telling him what you know is going to make him go ballistic, don't tell him. Or at least don't start off telling him. Tell him you want a divorce, you want it to be fair, you want it to be amicable. If he pushes you to reconcile, say you won't. Don't give him any reasons, the only reason that matters is that you don't want to work on the marriage any longer. If he really pushes you, you can tell him what you know, but my feeling is that it will just turn the focus on him justifying and trying to explain away what he's done (and convince you that he didn't do anything wrong or he won't ever do it again), and take the focus off accepting that you want a divorce no matter what.
I think it is rare for a divorce to cost $50k. Maybe I'll post a poll about that. I don't even know what mine cost, but it was probably around $2k. I had to have $1k up front for the retainer, and the rest was billed in smaller increments after the retainer was used up. My ex-h probably paid his attorney around $1k. My divorce is probably on the low end of cost. But it's not going to cost you anything to talk to an attorney. You can do this in any order. I didn't contact my attorney until we were separated, all our personal property and marital assets were fairly divided, joint debts were paid and pretty much all we needed was to make it legal. If you think you and your husband can agree on these decisions (after a period of anger and confusion, and then acceptance that the divorce is going to happen), then just leave the attorney out of it until you know how you are going to handle things, and then consult the attorney before you officially agree to anything. If you have a lot of legal questions, go talk to an attorney first. No matter what you do first or last, if you focus on these decisions as something you and your STBX have to agree on, not something you and your attorney are going to fight for, your divorce will cost much much less. Having an amicable divorce doesn't just happen, it's hard work too, but it's worth it (emotionally and financially) if you can both make a committment to it and make it happen.
Depending on your state laws, who's name is on the house may not matter. If it was bought during the marriage, it will more than likely be considered marital property and need to be split between the two of you. You can argue that your money was used to buy the house, and you want a bigger share of the equity, and if your husband agrees with that it won't be a problem. Does he pay a smaller share of the mortgage than you do? That will also be a factor, because if you put your money down on it and he pays more of the mortgage, you might be fairly equal. When we bought our house I put in $5k and my ex-h put in $20k, but then I paid more of the bills each month than he did, and I figured things had equaled out by the time we had lived there a few years. How much equity is in the house? If there isn't much (especially after figuring what reasonable selling or refinancing costs would be) then you might argue it is not an asset at all (if as much as owed as you could get for it) and you want to keep it. Can you make the mortgage payment on your own? That is also an important consideration. IMHO, the negotiation of how to split the equity would happen whether his name was on the house or not though, but ask an attorney to be sure.
Edit: I posted a poll in the Dollars and Sense folder below.
Edited 4/16/2005 2:53 pm ET ET by firstamendment
Hi,
Thanks for the quick response! I just posted about our finances but I'm not sure when it will appear. :)
The house was bought when we were engaged, so we were not legally married yet. I put the $12K down on it and I still have a receipt that the check was in my maiden name. But when we refinanced a second time, both names were on it. Then on our THIRD and final refinance, only my name is on it but it's under my married name.
As for mortgage payments, the first half of a year, it was split evenly. Then he opened up his own business and I paid for the majority of it, all the utilities, groceries and my own bills. He was only responsible for a little of the mortgage and his own bills (we have separate cards and savings).
Now for the $30K HELOC. Of course, that's in my name. He took the majority of that for his own expenses. I only took $5K (have checks to prove it). He promised we would pay it off equally in the 5 years it's for. But guess what. I am the only one that has paid it in 3 years (interest only).
We have separate savings, though not much. I have $2K. He has $5K. I have $5K in a 401k/roth IRA. He has no retirement.
I want this to be amicable but I also think it's pretty crappy that he came in with nothing, contributed little up until last year when I was unemployed, and could make out evenly.
>>>I want this to be amicable but I also think it's pretty crappy that he came in with nothing, contributed little up until last year when I was unemployed, and could make out evenly.<<<
Unfortunately this is the situation most men are been and have almost always been in. They are the one's that earn most of the money (usually) contribute to aquiring most of the assets, and usually leave a marriage with only half the assets and also half the debt.
The good news is this is all negotiable. Amicable doesn't mean you give up everything to not fight. Amicable means you negotiate based on what's fair and you communicate and compromise until you agree on what 'fair' is. Adversarial is you ask for everything, knowing you'll get less than that but willing to fight for whatever you can. Amicable takes both people committed to doing what is fair. Adversarial can happen when only one person wants to fight, and refuses to compromise. Even if you don't like what the outcome is, talk to your attorney on what the law is and what you think is fair, and if you offer him something that's fair, and his attorney says it's a good deal he may agree to it. You may not like the fact he contributed less than half and might leave with half, but that is the law, it's not his fault that the divorce laws require an equitable split, that is just how things are.
Thing is, there is never a good time, but you must do it for your self esteem. You are a beautiful woman and this is HIS problem. Let the boy go and rediscover you......