Going back to court?
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:13pm |
I am trying to make an important decision about going back into court. My ex and I have been divorced for 5 years, and have spent most of that time in and out of court. He believes he should be the one to make all the decisions, so whenever we have a disagreement about the kids, I have to go to court to get anything done. He also keeps lowering his child support.
So, I am sick of going to court! However, he is escalating again (he goes through cycles) and these are the latest incidents: He took my 10 yo daughter to the funeral of a close family friend (which I had asked him not to as she had a bad experience at a funeral so she was afraid) so he lied to me (and to her) and instead of taking her to school after picking her up at my house, he kept her out for the day and took her to the funeral. I knew nothing about this until my daughter told me the next day, even though we are supposed to let each other know if she is missing school.
He refuses to allow her to visit my stepmom, who is her grandmother (and has been for her entire life) and who lives in another state so I need his permission.
He was late for his scheduled pickup at my daughter's school, so I signed her out of daycare and waited in the parking lot for him (and had my daughter call so he would know where we were waiting). When it was getting too late to get my son to work on time, we called him again and said we had to leave and would meet him at my house. He went ballistic and threatened to have me arrested, and talked to all 3 kids to try to get them to give him my street address so he could have the police arrest me. He finally arrived at the school and yelled at me that the police were on the way (yeah, right!) and really upset my daughter, I tried to go to her and give her a kiss goodbye and he physically blocked me and yelled "You can't touch her, it's MY day!".
This was just in the last week.
Both of my teenage sons don't want to "have to" go to their dad's anymore. They do want to see him, but not when he gets loony like that. He still tells my 17 yo son that he "has" to go to his house whether he wants to or not.
So, my attorney has worked up some papers that ask for full custody, including legal. Of course, this opens a door for the ex to ask for the same. Is it worth the risk? He has an ongoing problem with adhering to the court order, will take the kids and not return them, or will drop them off at my house 2 hours early with the house locked up and empty. He wants to be the only one making decisions, even stupid stuff like which dentist to go to. He does not "co-parent" with me at all, when I email him (we do NOT talk), his response is always "thank you for your concerns".
I just do not know what to do....I do not want to go back to court, emotionally or financially, but I can't just let him get away with his behavior because it just keeps getting worse.
Any advice?

singermom3...
From one musician to another, Pianoguy would like to offer a thought or two:
1. If you feel your children are REALLY UNHAPPY WITH DAD...perhaps they need to "go to court with you" and express their feelings to the judge? Are you comfortable letting them do this?
2. You will NEVER convince your EX-husband to behave or think the way you want him to---with regards to the children---or any other matter. He has no business making all of the 'child rearing' decisions, but since he knows he can get a reaction out of you...HE'LL VERBALLY PUSH YOUR BUTTONS AS MUCH AS HE DESIRES!
3. You've got to be A LITTLE MORE DISCRETE when it comes to the words you're using about your children's Dad. Granted...he might be the 'scumbag' you've indicated...but your kiddoes are taking their cues about 'their future partners' FROM THE WORDS YOU'RE USING!
I'm willing to bet that you're NOT 100% perfect either?
Pianoguy
Hugs.
1) The kids are not unhappy about visiting their dad, in fact my daughter adores her dad. The boys are teenagers and do not like to visit when he gets into his aggressive mode. Plus, they have school, work, friends in my neighborhood and at a certain age, that tends to be more important to kids. The boys do want to talk to a FCS counselor, they asked me if they could change the schedule. I don't think my daughter wants any changes.
2)True
3) I didn't call him a scumbag or anything like that...and I certainly don't make negative comments in front of the kids. What word did I use that offends you?
I am absolutely not perfect, I am trying to be the best mom I can be for 3 awesome kids. I am trying to learn to co-parent with someone who does not want to cooperate, and it is very difficult. However, I have made mistakes too - I certainly did not mean to imply that I think I am always right.
So, my musician friend (I'm more a guitar girl myself), I hope you don't think I'm being a jerk - I just don't know how to make things better for all of us.
Thanks
Thanks, Theresa! I know that much of his behavior is geared towards hurting me. He does things that hurt the kids, just to get to me. The only thing I can change is my own reaction.
Thanks for the support! (Are you a So Cal girl too??)
Hello again, singermom3!
First...Pianoguy wants to let you know that he thinks "girls with guitars" (quoting the Wynonna Judd/Mary Chapin Carpenter tune) are fantastic! There definitely a sexy-ness present on or off the stage.
My reference to your EX being a 'scumbag' was based on the verbiage you used in your original post. I got the impression any good points about his character and behavior were 'few and far between?' And I wasn't sure if the written words you used were ever said within 'earshot' of your children? Obviously...you haven't exposed them to your true inner feelings about the man...so please accept my apologies?
It's pretty obvious (to me anyway) that your children seem to like being around "DAD" when he isn't in one of his 'overly aggressive' moods? Perhaps the FCS counsellor can help the boys sort out their feelings a little more?
As far as you being an imperfect mom or a jerk....I SINCERELY DOUBT IT ON BOTH COUNTS!
However, I got the impression from the 'tone of your original post'...along with the words you used...that your husband was responsible for the lion's share of the marital problems?
To quote singer, Todd Rundgren: "It takes two to tango"...or in your case...TANGLE!!!
And this is the reason I responded the way I did!
Pianoguy
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange...
Well, of course I WANT to say "it's all HIS fault", but that's not true. However, he was, and is, very forceful and neither I nor our children have any say in decisions or even allowed to have an opionion that differs from his. He could have been a lawyer, he will continue to beat at you (figuratively, of course) until you give up from exhaustion!
And this is where I am now. I always give in, it is just easier. He makes me ask his permission for anything that is "special", like a summer camp or even vacation bible school. Yet, he signs them up without ever even telling me until just before the event, and then it's "these are the plans, they are already in place" and if I ever say "No", I'm the jerk that won't let the kids do something that they are already excited about.
Every year, for 4 years now, he has taken our daughter, never our sons, only the girl, on a 10 day skiing trip out of the country. Now, he does need my permission and I have begged and pleaded with him to take the boys for a change, but he refuses and my daughter wants to go and he has already paid for the trip - so what am I supposed to do? This is how he plays the game, and I have spent years trying to work with him to no avail.
Hence my frustration. So, no, not all his fault, and in fact I am the one who left the marriage. I get stronger all the time, but am still scared to cross him because the kids will pay the price. And, he comes across so reasonable to most people, he is not "abusive" in any physical sense, and so many people think he is such a good, Godly man. They just don't see the real person behind the mask. So, I am also the heathen that got a divorce for "no reason".
OK, now I'm just venting....sorry!
Yes, I believe I have decided to go back to court. As I was looking through 5 years of communication between us, I was reminded how often these things happen. Two years ago, on Halloween, it was supposed to be my year (we had agreed to switch every other year). However, since it fell on his weekend, he refused to let me have them. When we were married, every year on Halloween he went on a hunting trip and I did Halloween with 3 little kids all by myself. Now, because he could, he took that away from me. This goes on all the time, he goes against agreements we make and even against court ordered agreements. He even decided on his own to lower his child support by $200 - until I had a garnishment enforced (and the support ended up being lowered by $100 anyway because he switched jobs). I have to try to get someone in the FCS system to see how controlling and un-reasonable he is. Honestly, though, I don't do well in mediation, I get nervous and scared whenever we are in a room together and I clam up, while he goes on and on and on - making no sense but filling the room with words.
Next week, we go before the judge ex parte to try to allow my daughter to visit her grandmother. Then, I guess we go forward with the rest of it, including FCS counseling for the kids and mediation for the parents (again). I can see my bank account shrinking as I type this!