going nuts?
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going nuts?
| Sat, 03-11-2006 - 9:34am |
If I'm nuts please feel free to tell me, I'll run to the nearest physh ward. Anyways, 7 years ago my husband had a one night stand. He met her on the internet, they talked for 2 weeks, this is an old story, they had unprotected sex, he came home scared to death. Anyways, at the time he was having unprotected sex with this woman, I was 3 hours away, and I knew. I can't explain it, at the time he was having sex with her its like I knew. I remember I was feeling very anxious, I was shaking, crying, yelling no. I asked him after things settled down a bit what the exact time was, when he told me, I kind of freaked, that was the time when I was feeling the worse. Now that we are living 835 miles away from each other, I still can feel this. I know he has a string of women, he's fullfilling his fantasies of being a male sl**. Since we've been apart I've had 3 episodes like this, God I feel like I'm going nuts. I know he has a lady that he's been conversing with quite heavily, she lives about 5 hours away from him. I just know that he has driven up to see her, and as I write this, I know he's with her now. I would love to write e-mails to these ladies that he's playing, when I was there to get some of my things, I found many e-mail address as well as phone numbers. I even heard one of the messages from this lady that lives 5 hours away. I read somewhere that even though we are living in different states, we are still married, you should be very discreet about who you see and what you are doing until your divorce is final. Our so called seperation is not legal, divorce papers have been served to him by me, he hasn't responded yet. This male menapause thing really stinks. I can't believe some of the things he's doing, and actually sharing his experiences with our daughters. Funny thing is, no one has to tell me what it is that he's doing, I can feel it. It's so weird, is it really all due to the fact that I do know this man maybe a little bit too much? We have been married for over 30 years now. I know a side of him that no one knows about, not even our daughters. I refuse to discuss him and I with them, I feel he has filled their heads with enough garbage, they don't need to hear anything from me about him. My therapist once told me to stop protecting my husband to our children, she said some day they will see him for what he is, they will learn this on their own. I listened to her advice and I do live by it today. Anger is starting to set in with me, I'm told that its a good thing that the anger is setting in. Unfortunately, the anger is wanting me to go after even more that I was from the start of the divorce proceedings. When I heard the message on his phone from one of his ladies, it made me quite concerned, I know she lives with her daughter, she said she had to go pay her fine, not sure what kind of fine she's talking about. I also know that he isn't looking for a decent lady, he had one of those, and disgarded her, (Me). He also has a large amount of money coming from his profit sharing from his previous employer, he wanted me to sign off on it so that he could get the money. He wouldn't leave me alone, he was getting angry with me. this time, his anger sent me to a lawyer. I know what he intends on doing with this money, I'm hoping that by still being his wife, I can somehow stop him from doing it. I would really like to be able to lock this money up in a safe place in both of our names, where neither one can touch it without the other knowing about it. You see, I'm still protecting him. If he showed me that he was thinking clearly and rationally I might of handled this differently. He is still displaying the atributes of a teenage boy who's out to make whatever he can. He's so busy looking for women that he isn't paying attention to bills, things that are important. When I was there last weekend there was a stack of bills in my name that he didn't even bother to send to me. He just kept piling them up. I've been sending things that are mailed here on a regular basis to him. There are still some final bills here in Connecticut that he hasn't even taken care of, when I ask him about it, he just ignores it.
Thanks again for letting me ramble on again.
rhea57@sbcglobal.net
Thanks again for letting me ramble on again.
rhea57@sbcglobal.net

rhea, you are NOT crazy. Not in the slightest. A marriage ending is very much like experiencing a death, with all the emotions, pain, and stages that go with it. You're approaching the anger phase right now, which means you are moving along toward healing and acceptance. And believe me, it's not always a straight line getting there.
Also, you should definitely start protecting your own interests. You STBX is being irresponsible, and don't have to allow that to damage you financially.
Lastly, you're also from CT? I feel like we should start a meet-and-greet... :)
Meet and greet sounds wonderful right now!!!
rhea,
you are not crazy!! you are a normal woman who has been thru a lot of difficulties and pain. cut yourself some slack.
i have said this before, and i will tell you this again - at that time that you are able to start putting *you* first, putting the focus of your life and attention on *you* -that is when you will begin to heal. and i know its hard - because this pain and anger is consuming you and your life!! i know -i've been there! i was so angry at my ex that i coudn't think straight. it consumed my life. but when i was able to move the focus of my life to ME - things changed.
get the papers in order, get the money into your hands, and don't worry about him and his problems.
Rhea,
I agree, you are not crazy and HE is making you question your sanity! I can relate to your comment, "He is acting like a teenage boy....I am making excuses for him"
I too do the same thing, my STBX is only 32 and I have enabled him to be irresponsible for the 13 years we have been together. He never moved forward from the 18 year old that he was when I first met him. I still make excuses for him, most recetnly I told my therapist that I feel sorry for him, she said if I do I am STILL making excuses for him, like everyone has done his whole life, which has allowed him to be immature and make bad choices. Now it is up to HIM to get his shi* together and for me to FINALLY take care of myself. I have put myself second for soooo long and I never realized how exhausting it was and how taxing it was to my self-esteem. It's time to only have to worry about ME and I know in my heart that that I am a good person...he can't look in the miror and see the same.
I hope soon you will realize he will probably never change....(how old is he?), and there is nothing you can do to "fix" him. That is up to him.
WOW, 49?!!!!
I am embarrased to say this, and I would never tell any of my friends/family, but there is this teeny, tiny part of me that thinks, "Maybe, just maybe if he went to counceling and we spent a significant time apart (like a year), he would change and we could be together"
Reading your post makes me realize that THEY NEVER CHANGE! My STBX is so immature, if he were going to change, he would have done so by now. If we get back together, I would end up with 2 or 3 kids, and in 10 or 15 years be in the same boat.....betrayed and hurt. If he were truly a man, he would have come to me MONTHS ago and at LEAST tell me he wanted out.
I suppose it will just take time for me to truly accept that we are over forever.