Going through a divorce - kind of long

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Going through a divorce - kind of long
3
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:20pm
I'm having a very tough time. I was only married for three and a half months to my husband, but we were together for seventeen years before the marriage. We have a nine year old son together. My husband had a habit of 'disappearing' and not having any good reason about where he had been. He was abusive, both physically and verbally (verbally to my son) and constantly accused me of cheating on him. After years and years of the acusations on his behalf, I started to figure out that he perhaps had been cheating on me. I would question him, and he would get very angry with me, denying it of course. I never 'caught' him so to speak, but I think he has been guilty for a very long time. I learned all about the 'guilt by association' and whatnot from psycologists and put two and two together. I guess what I am having the hardest time with is being alone - although now I think about it, I have been alone for a number of years now (the being married but a single parent type thing) unfortunately, alot of women can probably relate to this feeling. And although he was very abusive and miserable, I do miss him. I feel like a fool completely saying that, but it is the truth. I have been going through a bevy of emotions from the betrayal all the way through to actually missing him. People say time heals, but will the betrayal ever go away? Will I ever be able to ever trust another man again???? I know I am not ready for another relationship by any means at the moment, but I do hope to meet someone new eventually. Will I trust them? CAN I trust them??? It has been and continues to be very difficult for me and I guess I just wanted to vent a little bit. I was hoping to hear from other women who are going through the betrayal I have been and maybe can give me a little bit of advice or just good thoughts. Thank you for listening. This divorce is the hardest task I have ever been through in life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:48pm

Hi. I am going through something very similar. My stbx were together for 11 years and married 9. In the 9 years of marriage there havebeen 3 women who he clames were "just friends". He never told me these people existed. I had to find out through other people or accident. I haven't trusted him in a very long time. But every man I have ever known has been a cheater. I guess I just decided it was one of those things that all men did and as long as we were happy and he got rid of them when I found out then we could work it out. I know I sound pathetic. I became the kind of woman I always swore I would never be. I absolutly hate myself for it. I think I actually started telling myself that I didn't deserve better. Since we haven't even started the divorce process I can't give you any advice. But I do wonder, like you, if I will ever again be able to trust another man. I want to have someone to grow old with. But then I have 4 kids also. What man would want to take on a woman with 4 kids? I know I am pathetic but I also know thatI am gonna miss stbx very much. Although I think maybe it will be the companionship in general that I will miss. I am scared to death of being a single mother. I have been a SAHM for the last 9 years. I think I got a bit off topic but I just wanted to let youknow that I do understand how you feel.

Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 7:50pm
Hi Amber. My name is Pam - mstiny1972. I read your response and I don't think you are pathetic at all. Not even close to it. I completely agree with how you explained the companionship - and how you will miss that. I miss how it USED to be with me and my ex. But that was a very long time ago, and I feel it really is time for me to truly let go. Like I mentioned in my thread, I have been missing him for years. I was a single mother even when we were together, and that is very painful for me to remember. You mentioned 'what man would want you and your four children' - believe me hun, when you gather up your self-esteem I believe you will find someone who will LOVE to take on you and your children. When you said that, it sounded like what my ex used to say to me. He would say, 'Yeah - Good luck finding a man that will want you with your baggage (my son)'. These men have an uncanny way of beating the tar out of our self esteem and both you and me can and will prevail. Please believe me - I'm starting to. It was so nice hearing from you and I look forward to talking with you again real soon. Take care. Pam
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Registered: 01-11-2006
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:32am
My husband is a workaholic. So we have been doing the married single mother thing here from the beginning. It's sad really because he can be a great dad but most ooften chooses not to. He would rather set on his @$$ and yell or have me deal with things then to actually get up and handle a situation. Now he keeps telling me wwe will be great friends after the divorce. WHAT? After all this he actually thinks I will want to be his friend? He really has lost his mind! I know that we will both come through this better off in the end but it doesn't make it hurt any less or feel less lonely. I do hope that here really are good men out there but I'm begining to wonder.