Going thru divorce no kids, anyone else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Going thru divorce no kids, anyone else?
20
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 12:17pm

So it is the week of Thanksgiving.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 12:49pm

I can't say that I'm in the same boat as you.




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 1:44pm

I am going through my 2nd divorce, so in this marriage, we have no kids. Yes, in one way, it is less difficult when you don't have kids, cause you don't have to ever see each other again or deal w/ each other after the divorce is final and there are less things to argue about, but of course, it is still difficult. I think that people are just saying things that they think will make you feel better w/o thinking about what they are really saying. What they should be saying is just that they are sorry for your situation. It's like telling a woman who just had a miscarriage that she can have more kids--it doesn't respect that she's going through a painful situation.

I would say that my situation is a little different because the divorce was my idea, although it took me about a year of therapy to get up the nerve to do it. So I don't have the "what if he is happy w/ someone else" thoughts.

I think that you have to look at the reality of the situation, which is that maybe you just weren't meant to be together, even though maybe there were a lot of things that you liked about each other. I think that if most of your marriage you were in therapy and things just didn't change, that is a sign that it wasn't meant to be. I really believe in therapy but sometimes people are just too different and need different partners. You think that your DH is "emotionally disconnected." What if you met someone else who didn't have whatever problems he had in his childhood and could share his emotions w/ you and didn't think that you were too needy? Wouldn't you be happier too? I have thought about this a lot and, though everybody has problems and disagreements some times, I just think that a marriage shouldn't be a constant struggle to get along. I have had female friends that I have been friends w/ for over 30 yrs and we always get along. If I ever have another relationship w/ a man, I want someone who is that easy to get along with too. I have had enough of therapy, worrying, crying, etc. My STBX also had a lot of issues w/ his childhood, etc. that I thought I could deal with, but it made things more difficult. For ex, my DH's father had physically & mentally abused him and he never got over that, even though his father had been dead for about 20 yrs. This made him very reluctant to show emotion or weakness, cause his father had been the type where if you showed any weakness, he would use that against DH. Now I just want someone who had a normal childhood & gets along w/ their family. The aggravation just isn't worth it to me.

As far as you, you will have to go through the stages of grief before things will get better. People who get divorced go through the same stages that people go through when someone close to them dies. It will take time, but eventually you will stop thinking so much about him and wondering what he is doing and just focus on living your own life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 2:22pm

I'm 37 years old going through my second divorce and thankfully have no children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 5:38pm

I appreciate all your comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 8:26pm

You're not pathetic, sad maybe, but not pathetic.




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 11:07pm

I'm there with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 11:01am

Yes, being alone is scary, the unknown is scary, but YOU WILL SURVIVE! You have to believe that. And you have to believe that you are a good person, that you have valuable qualities. There is not one person in this world, except maybe the most violent criminal, who doesn't have good qualities. Now you have to start working on that. You mentioned that you have a best friend. Well, there is at least one person in the world outside of your family who loves you, so you must be worthy of love. You also have your mom & sister who will support you. When you have sessions w/ your therapist, instead of dwelling on "what happened, why didn't it work out?" which is really not helpful for you in the future, start working on feeling better about yourself and what you can do in the future to be happy. I read a book once called "It's only too late if you don't start now." It's really about turning 40 and how people feel that it's too late to start new things, but a lot of it can apply to your situation, even though you're younger. You can either spend your life dwelling on the past & how things didn't work out the way you wanted and hoped, or you can figure out what you want to do w/ your life and move forward.

Sometimes you have to do things that are a little scary too. Like I am very comfortable w/ people I know and do have friends, but I want to make more friends who live around my area. So I forced myself to join a women's group and go to a meeting by myself where I didn't know anyone. That is when I am the most shy. But I went & survived and even if the group doesn't work out, it's a step to try something new.

Maybe there is a support group in your area for people who are going through a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 1:40pm

Please know that what I say will sometimes be blunt but offered with an abundance of empathy and support.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 4:16pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 4:57pm

Your BFF is right. So if you don't like yourself now, why don't you change things and become someone that you can admire? You DO have the power to change yourself.

P.S. Maybe tomorrow you can tell your family & friend that from now on when you start whining about the ex, to tell you that they don't want to hear it any more. It's gone on long enough.

You know, you can either keep complaining & whining about your sad life or you can actually do something to change it and improve it. Don't give your ex the satisfaction that your life revolved so much around him that you can't live w/o him.

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