gonna have the "finances" talk this wknd
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| Wed, 01-17-2007 - 11:25pm |
Quick synopsis:
I have been living in my own place since August on the advice of the marriage counselor. My H and I are definitely separating permanently. We quit the counseling in November because we just aren't going to work out; we married after having a baby when we were very young and we just don't want the same things from marriage or life in general. Our two daughters (20 and 9) are doing quite well actually. H has toned down the anger a bit (I initiated this, but I think he is starting to accept it??) and we can talk rather sanely about our one daughter who is still a minor. We have already agreed to shared placement and custody. We have even discussed the women that some of his friends are trying to set him up with. A weird conversation, but oddly enough, not an uncomfortable one for me. (I must be really ready for this). I have been spending a lot of time learning about the divorce process and I really need to get this started with filing and getting our finances separated. Balancing a checkbook from another side of town is becoming exhausting, and I am fast running out of tongue to bite when he buys something that I consider stupid.
So....Sunday morning we are having "the talk". My oldest is coming to the house to hang out with her sister so that my H and I can talk. (I prefer not being alone with him for this one, just in case he reverts to his old angry ways). Hopefully things will go well. If we legally separate (the same process as divorce in my state), he can remain covered on my health insurance, which he needs. I am nervous about this because I initially said he could have the house, no strings, but the more I think about it, the less I like that idea because most of our money is tied up in it and I would be losing at least $50,000 in equity. I might have trouble getting a loan without that asset! He, on the other hand, will probably not be able to afford the mortgage payment on what he makes, but he stubbornly refuses to sell "his daughter's home". I can understand that, tho. So I am going to suggest that we remain co-owners after separating and share the payment and taxes.
I am cringing for the onslaught. :) Am I crazy? We do get along right now, I know that we might not in the future, but if this is all legally documented, even tho it might be annoying at some future point, it could work. I am not sure what else to do. He could refinance to get my name off the note and then pay me off, but perhaps that could be plan B? Yeah, I should talk to a lawyer, but I wanted to see what you guys think since you charge less per hour. ;)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
well, as i predicted, his parents are paying for him to get a lawyer. i found out sunday. he said that he just wants to be sure that everything is done correctly because he cannot read and understand the forms and things like i can. he was very sweet about it and apologized for doing it.
however, today in my counseling session (i go see her still every 6 weeks or so), i told her about this and she asked if i knew the name. when i told her, she said that she is a "barracuda".
soooooo....i just have to be smart. i do not have the money to hire someone myself. i will do it if i have to, but not yet. i am agreeing on the legal separation to be nice and let him keep his good health insurance, which he needs because at age 39, he has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes, doesn't take care of himself very well, and needs the meds. i suspect this is a good bargaining tool for me because if we divorce, he is screwed in this regard, as my health plan will not cover him then. (he is planning to re-marry, so i suppose one of his criteria for a new woman will be good health benefits. :) )
the other thing on my side is that if he does anything to change our verbal agreement of shared physical placement and custody of our 9-year old daughter, not only will our 9-year old kick his butt, but so will our 20-year old. i am not kidding! i have raised two very independent daughters and he will be in a world of hurt if he screws with that part.
we shall see what i am made of in the upcoming months, to be sure.
Even if you can't
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks for the advice. I think I can do this. My county has "divorce 101" courses every month, and volunteers who sporadically sit in an office to answer questions. I have a wonderful friend who has done through a divorce, so he can help me look through things. I have two other friends going through this right now too, and one of those two has a friend who is a lawyer, so if I ever need to run anything by her, I can.
I also know that I can say NO. It's my STBX's parent's dime paying the attorney fees, not mine. Once our money is separated this week (if he doesn't open an account for himself, I am opening a new one and moving my money there), I will feel mucho better about things because at least I can stop trying to balance a checkbook from long distance, and I can better see exactly how I will be sitting financially.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Good point, and one that I was considering. I have to be patiently vigilant. My STBX may continue to be fair and not vengeful (since I initiated and I make more money than he) but he may not. So I have to retain my sense of cooperativity so as not to make him think that I am becoming an "ick", but at the same time, watch my back.
Sounds like fun to me! (Bleh...)