Goodbye sex

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Goodbye sex
5
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 4:03pm
ignore this post ... the opportunity does not present itself anyway


Edited 10/24/2005 9:43 pm ET by firstglimpse



"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: firstglimpse
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 4:32pm
I can definately relate to that! But being without it for over 2 years now, I can tell you that it is no reason to stay in a relationship where you are miserable. My ex and I were GREAT together where sex was concerned, but in all other areas we were painfully incompatible! I am not sorry that we broke up. We were together for 12 years, and it is hard at times, but it will get easier to live without it when you consider all the good reasons you have to end the marriage. When I do meet someone else who is better suited for me the sex will be the icing. The trade off now is that I am happier without him than I was with him, and that is BETTER than sex will ever be.
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: firstglimpse
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 5:56pm

Okay, but in my situation the opposite of what you've described is true in our relationship.

Our compatibility is off the charts. We are each other's best friends. We have a hard time going very long without being or at least talking with one another. We cannot fight without making up quickly ... it's like we may stomp to another room & then 15 minutes later we see something we want to share with the other and we're laughing and enjoying each other's company again.

Everyone who knows us feels how deeply we love each other. I don't think ANYONE has ever doubted our love for each other, not even us.

This affair is shocking for everyone. As there was not really any sign of a troubled marriage - he just flipped over night. They joys of a mental illness!

But the sex ... well, that is another unfortunate side effect of bipolar. H crave it when he is in the 'up' phase & does not want it in the 'down' phase. We have easily gone 6 mos without it before, especially with pg, babies, nursing and such to add to the mix. Then because there are different psychological moods that come into play sometimes it's like having sex with a stranger & other times it's making love to the utmost.

This is why a divorce would be so incredibly hard. It is the disease that has split us apart. He is not himself, he is delusional right now. I'm basically taking steps toward tough love and going for the divorce. I'm proceeding with the divorce for self-respect as he is with another woman now. But I have no idea how he'll come out of this phase. Will it permanantly change him? Will the 'love' he has for this other woman continue on when he regains his cognitive thought?

I don't know.

But how long do I sit back and wait to see what happens? I've read these episodes can last an entire year. My father had and affair & my parents stayed married for 5 yrs (with the other woman having 2 of his kids) to only end in divorce. He married his mistress and then he tried to get back together again with my mom. I don't want that.

I'm hoping he seeks treatment before the divorce is final and we can work it out, but I also cannot sit idle and let it destroy my family.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: firstglimpse
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 6:10pm

it is a tough call. it all depends on how much you feel you can take, how much you plan to stay in pain...

it is different for all of us. I had a good friend that I respected (with a few give and take, and lots of stupidity... ahem), but lousy sex. I am a very sexual being, and since 3 years, did not have any. One get used to it.

I have no sleepness nights, and this makes me no less a sexual being. A friend was recently inquiring about how I am coping, and this is my answer: whether or not I had sex for the last time in my life, I am a sexual being, and it does not change anything. If and when (I still hope it WILLLLLLL) happen again, it will be on my terms.

Let this be my advice: make sure that IF it happens, it happens on your terms. And this should be the rule, whomever the partner will be.

Lots of hugs and good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: firstglimpse
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 9:35pm
I don't disagree with that. You have to decide what are deal breakers in your relationship and what you will tolerate. I don't think you SHOULD wait around and see if things change. You could be wasting alot of time. I have a friend whose husband is bipolar and I have told her the same thing. Illness or not, it is up to him to get help and up to you not to enable him. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
In reply to: firstglimpse
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 11:28am
...the same thought has crossed my mind.
I was a virgin when we married and he was my only sex partner. My stbx has now got a gf which he just got engaged with. I didn't even have the chance for goodbye sex, it happened so fast. Our sex life wasn't the greatest as when I stopped trusting him I really couldn't be intimate.
I'm afraid too I will not have sex again. As I am still going through the pain of this divorce I can't help feeling that this too is something I have to deal with and well am just too sad about.