Got a court date for the final (and only) hearing...
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|Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:46pm|
I feel sort of relieved and also sad, because it's just so EASY to get divorced! I spent so many years busting my butt trying to make things work and trying to make the man "happy" since he was forever complaining that he wasn't "happy," that to just have the end be so easy seems perverse in a way. I am confused about why he's so angry, since he filed for divorce, he decided he wanted to spend most of his life away from his family, and he was the one who went out of his way to destroy anything we ever had together. All he does is yell or send me sarcastic, biting emails, and in response to me just letting him know what's going on with our kids. It is just stupid. I don't miss HIM, but I do miss having someone around, if that makes any sense. But then again, I am so relieved to NOT have someone around SO MUCH. I never realized how much of my life was spent on him alone, so when he went off for work, I suddenly had so much free time. Like, my whole life was freed up almost. It was a big change, and after a while, I didn't WANT to spend so much time and energy on him, because it was crazy! I also feel a little scared about being single after so many years of being married; like, suddenly, I'm all alone in the world and I don't have anyone who's going to be there for me, which is stupid, because he really wasn't much good at being there for me in the first place! Besides that, I do have some really good friends who ARE there for me.
It's just strange; I am happy to be starting a new time in my life, scared to death, sad, and missing the man I married all those years ago, the one he PRETENDED to be, not the actual man, lol. The sad part is, as soon as we got married, he just stopped being that guy, like overnight, and I spent the next 14 years trying to find that guy again, and the whole time, it was all just an act to make me like him. How stupid! I didn't change that much, but he sure did. I have been rediscovering a lot of things I used to enjoy doing before he criticized me out of any pleasure I got from doing them, like cooking and making my home look nice, and having friends. I missed having friends so much, but really couldn't with him; not to mention him telling me no one liked me because I was a stuck up bi^% and thought I was better than everyone and made people feel uncomfortable. The fact that people seemed to avoid me confirmed his mean words, but now that he's out of my life, everyone tells me they were avoiding HIM for those very reasons, not me. Ouch. I just wonder how long it's going to take me to stop feeling so insecure about myself? How do you get rid of that ever lingering doubt that people don't really like you and that men only want you for sex, since you aren't worth anything else? Do you ever??