Got a court date for the final (and only) hearing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Got a court date for the final (and only) hearing...
14
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:46pm

I feel sort of relieved and also sad, because it's just so EASY to get divorced!  I spent so many years busting my butt trying to make things work and trying to make the man "happy" since he was forever complaining that he wasn't "happy," that to just have the end be so easy seems perverse in a way.  I am confused about why he's so angry, since he filed for divorce, he decided he wanted to spend most of his life away from his family, and he was the one who went out of his way to destroy anything we ever had together.  All he does is yell or send me sarcastic, biting emails, and in response to me just letting him know what's going on with our kids.  It is just stupid.  I don't miss HIM, but I do miss having someone around, if that makes any sense.  But then again, I am so relieved to NOT have someone around SO MUCH.  I never realized how much of my life was spent on him alone, so when he went off for work, I suddenly had so much free time.  Like, my whole life was freed up almost. It was a big change, and after a while, I didn't WANT to spend so much time and energy on him, because it was crazy!  I also feel a little scared about being single after so many years of being married; like, suddenly, I'm all alone in the world and I don't have anyone who's going to be there for me, which is stupid, because he really wasn't much good at being there for me in the first place!  Besides that, I do have some really good friends who ARE there for me.  

It's just strange; I am happy to be starting a new time in my life, scared to death, sad, and missing the man I married all those years ago, the one he PRETENDED to be, not the actual man, lol.  The sad part is, as soon as we got married, he just stopped being that guy, like overnight, and I spent the next 14 years trying to find that guy again, and the whole time, it was all just an act to make me like him.  How stupid!  I didn't change that much, but he sure did.  I have been rediscovering a lot of things I used to enjoy doing before he criticized me out of any pleasure I got from doing them, like cooking and making my home look nice, and having friends.  I missed having friends so much, but really couldn't with him; not to mention him telling me no one liked me because I was a stuck up bi^% and thought I was better than everyone and made people feel uncomfortable.  The fact that people seemed to avoid me confirmed his mean words, but now that he's out of my life, everyone tells me they were avoiding HIM for those very reasons, not me.  Ouch.  I just wonder how long it's going to take me to stop feeling so insecure about myself?  How do you get rid of that ever lingering doubt that people don't really like you and that men only want you for sex, since you aren't worth anything else?  Do you ever??

Pages

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

It will take time to erase the bad messages of 14-years of badmouthing by the EX. Yet, I think all ready know those things aren't true about you. Its more a reflection on his insecurity than yours. And, yes, it is rather astounding that a marriage can end with the stroke of a pen. Very anti-climatic. There's no "funeral" for a dead marriage. For a long time after my own divorce I said there should be a "memorial wall" like the Vietnam Wall for all the marriages that ended in divorce. At least there would be something to show it once existed!

I continuously recommend the book because it's spot-on when it comes to dealing with the aftermath of divorce:"Rebuilding: When your relationship ends," by Bruce Fisher. It's a bit thick but it reads like a roadmap to breakup and recovery. Fisher uses a pyramid to illustrate the climb back to sanity and wholeness and it's a great metaphor.

Baby steps. You were good at making friends 14 years ago and just like riding a bicycle I have no doubt you'll make them again. When you're up to it why not sign up for a cooking class? You can revitalize your love of cooking and you'll meet other like-minded people who you can get to know. One or more may become friends. But don't rush it. Get the paperwork finalized and mourn your loss. Time is your friend.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
I've actually been able to make some really good friends the last couple of years, since he initially left. The first almost year of him being gone all the time working I was pretty depressed, and sick, too, so I didn't do much besides eat candy and hang out with my kids. I got tired of that and made a life for myself, and now I spend a good deal of my off time with friends or family, and it's so much nicer this way! I've even spent some time cooking with my friends, which is a lot of fun, as well as buying a motorcycle and going riding, getting drinks, dinners, football games, concerts, beach days, BBQ's, etc. The boys and I have had a lot of fun without the ex, much more than we ever had with him. I guess that's why I'm sad; we didn't get to have a whole lot of "family" fun times with their dad, and the kids really resent him a lot for ruining every fun outing with his insults, screaming, anxiety attacks, or just being mean for no reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012

Wow...he's already taken so much from you, don't let him take away your self-esteem as well. It's easy to see by what you write on this board that you're a caring, intelligent woman with a lot to offer. You've raised great kids and supported them financially. You've rebuilt your life! That's quite a lot to be proud of.

I do know just how you feel in many ways. I continue to wonder "why" my STBX wanted to end it. Sometimes I think it's because I wasn't ambitious enough and that gets me down at times. However, ambitious or not, I am who I am and I won't let him take away my self esteem. Somewhere out there is a partner who will appreciate what I have to offer. I'll find him eventually.

Also, I completely get the missing having someone but not missing the person you were with. My husband became a different person as well soon after the wedding. I do miss the guy I fell in love with but he's gone. I love to cook and still cook great meals for myself but I have to admit it would be more fun with someone to share it with.

The firm dates (like my house sale closing this week) seem to bring up all the emotions, especially sadness, loss and thinking about what could have been.  I know I'll feel the same way once the divorce process is started.

Hang in there, you're doing what's best for you and your kids and that's so important.

lib

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

The good thing is that he didn't drag out the process and make you spend a lot of time on this.  I do think you're somewhat relieved that it's over & you don't have to deal w/ his nonsense any more but then it also hits you that you're divorced.  I was so happy to get divorced from my bipolar 2nd ex but some weeks after, then I was watching some romantic movie at home by myself and started crying thinking "Oh I'll never have anyone again & I'll always be alone."  And it's kind of like that unfortunately, but better than being married to my ex.  My ex didn't belittle me, but from friends who have had DHs like that, it does take a while to get those critical voices out of your head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

How do you get rid of that ever lingering doubt that people don't really like you and that men only want you for sex, since you aren't worth anything else?  Do you ever?? If you find someone who is understanding, they may not like when you fall into 'fits' of low self-worth but they will stick by you and actually help you through the process. You have to feel those feelings to process them and there is no better place to (fully) feel them than in a relationship.

My woman hates when I lose confidence or feel that I am not worthy of her but those times become less and less as we muddle through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Bipolar men and women should come with a warning label so you'd have a better idea of what you were getting yourself into. Sadly, the fact that he had so many issues wasn't what made me decide to divorce, rather his refusal to get help and try to control his behavior were the problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Now all I have to do is find someone who wants to go on that trip with me! Easy to contemplate, much harder to do. From what I've seen, most of the men here aren't interested in having a relationship, since they "don't have time" or don't want to give up their "independence." I don't actually think I'm ready for anything serious, but a regular date for the movies or dinner would be nice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011

My divorce didn't even include a court date at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I filed the papers by waiting in line at the courthouse and since the D was uncontested, neither one of us had to appear again.  I was the one who filed, so H didn't have to ever go to court.  No attorneys involved...nothing!!  28 years of being together and other than my near nervous breakdown, and ex's depression, it all ended with little fan fare.  It was a relief and a sharp stab in the heart all at the same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010

<<you're a caring, intelligent woman with a lot to offer.>>

I second this comment.  I've read enough of your posts to know this is true.  Give yourself time.  It sounds like you have carved out a wonderful new life for yourself and your boys.  I know being single when there are couples everywhere can be difficult, but there are definitely good things about being single...like doing whatever you want WHEN you want and not having the drama or heartache in your life of someone who brings you down. 

My divorce took a year and a half, so by the time it was finalized, it was more like...it's about TIME.  I don't recall feeling much of anything once I signed it and 25 years of marriage came to an end.  I, like you, had already begun my new life during that time, so didn't think much of it by then.  It was over the day the ex said he wanted a divorce.  Period. 

As for self-esteem...give yourself time and let it sink in at how FABULOUS you truly are!  I know though when you've gone through years of emotional abuse, it does take time to recover.  I felt worthless after my divorce because I am an administrative assistant who makes little and was a SAHM before that.  Luckily, my current dh put up with me the first year we dated when I'd ask him repeatedly WHAT he was doing with someone like me who made so little?  His prior girlfriend of 8 years was a Phd student, but also a Speech Pathologist, so made a good living.  (Oh, yes...I felt inferior.)  He assured me I had characteristics that were more important that money. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Well, it seems as long as I sign all the paperwork, I don't even have to show up to court, but he does. I really don't want to see him, especially after getting an email last night, in response to my updating him about what's going on with the kids and telling him I hoped we could at least get to the point where we could be friendly for the sake of the kids. It seems that not only do I need to grow up and start acting like an adult, but I've been manipulating and abusing the poor man for years. Yes, that's right, I've been abusing HIM, which is apparently why he's been forced to use drugs and threaten to kill me and the kids repeatedly. Geez, I'm a horrible person. I swear, it took everything I had in me not to just flip out and go off on a screaming tirade about what a loser he is and how small his penis is!! My self control is amazing, if nothing else. After all these years of having to BE the only adult here, because any little thing would send him into spasms of anxiety, pacing, screaming, cursing, breaking things, and generally unable to function, it's laughable that he thinks I need to grow up. Of course, I also need to stop interfering in his relationship with the kids, I guess by no longer telling him what's going on with them, and get over thinking I'm superior to him. While it's true that I AM better a lot of things, there are a multitude of things he can do, like fix things and do calculus, that I can't, which is why I left that stuff to him. He just couldn't stand that I made better grades in college, and has had a complex ever since, like I think it makes me a better person or something because I don't have dyslexia like he does and had a higher GPA. It's just so pathetic and stupid to still be screaming about the same crap all these years later when I never even felt that way in the first place. How insecure and emotionally stunted is this man, anyway? I am SOOOOOO happy that I will no longer be tethered to him in a couple of weeks, because I just don't think I can stomach one more of his rants about what an abusive, manipulative, evil person I am because I want to be able to finish raising our son with him in a friendlier environment. HOW am I supposed to get my son through all of this when this man acts like a 3 year-old??? His therapist told me yesterday she needs to see him every week because he's having so much anxiety and isn't handling the divorce very well. Well, after cleaning up your dad's blood off the floor and having to carry his drunk, stoned on God knows what butt into the house because you can't wake him up, I guess he IS having a hard time. Too bad it's all MY fault, huh? OMG, I need a drink or something! Calgon, take me away! If ever there were a time for Fabio to bust into my house with some I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and a bottle of bubble bath, wine, and chocolate,now is it. :-)

Pages