Got That Mean Scary Hateful Look again!!
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Got That Mean Scary Hateful Look again!!
| Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:37pm |
Wow this morning we were talking about some issues of the divorce ie we called the attorneys secretary and got more info...about dates for signing the decree when it goes before the judge etc and I guess I said something wrong or in the wrong way cause he gave me that aggressive mean evil look...along with the tense scary body language.that has always hurt my feelings. It just reinforced the fact that I do indeed want this divorce in spite of all the pain of the OW.
well maybe I mean because of his cruel abusive behaviour that i have put up with for 28 years. and the OW. Sometimes he would do that daily. its like he is trying to make me feel that I am less of a person and that I am stupid. I dont know if its right or not but I took an IQ test and they said I had a score of 160 and was almost genius. hmmm (no I am not retaking it) but lets say I am intelligent. That just goes to show that victims of abuse have no set type. BEing smart will not help you escape ....... We can all get sucked into the trauma of it all and become so traumatically bonded we cant escape. I am so lucky he has this OW and I can be free of him.
Maybe soon I will stop thinking about the man I thought he would be. the warm caring loving husband who would stay for better or worse, rich or poor and in sickness or health,
Didnt work out did it. If you are married to an abuser or in a relationship with one I dont think there is alot of likelyhood he will ever change. Dont waste your life on a man like this. like I did. well about three more weeks and he will be gone working all the time and then when that job is done he is moving out. He has most of his stuff out. I am just venting..........looking for validation that what just happened was real and was not my fault.
He has me believing he will never in a 100 years ever get angry at the OW. boy she must be something hey? I just wonder...............
well maybe I mean because of his cruel abusive behaviour that i have put up with for 28 years. and the OW. Sometimes he would do that daily. its like he is trying to make me feel that I am less of a person and that I am stupid. I dont know if its right or not but I took an IQ test and they said I had a score of 160 and was almost genius. hmmm (no I am not retaking it) but lets say I am intelligent. That just goes to show that victims of abuse have no set type. BEing smart will not help you escape ....... We can all get sucked into the trauma of it all and become so traumatically bonded we cant escape. I am so lucky he has this OW and I can be free of him.
Maybe soon I will stop thinking about the man I thought he would be. the warm caring loving husband who would stay for better or worse, rich or poor and in sickness or health,
Didnt work out did it. If you are married to an abuser or in a relationship with one I dont think there is alot of likelyhood he will ever change. Dont waste your life on a man like this. like I did. well about three more weeks and he will be gone working all the time and then when that job is done he is moving out. He has most of his stuff out. I am just venting..........looking for validation that what just happened was real and was not my fault.
He has me believing he will never in a 100 years ever get angry at the OW. boy she must be something hey? I just wonder...............

It's funny you mention IQ. As many times as I was told I had no common sense, I tested as borderline gifted when I was seeing a therapist over a year ago. The reason for the therapist? To find out why I was so "scatterbrained" that I couldn't take care of myself and my household the way H thought I should. Hmmmmm....
Ah... to be (almost) free. As difficult as this is... it feels good to know I'm on the road to recovery.
I would cook great meals and they were either too hot, too cold, too much or not enough.
I just got so sick of it. he would only tell me it was good if I asked him. he only told me once that I was beautiful in 28 yrs. many people said I was a very beautiful woman.
A couple times I would ask and he would answer under his breath. I have no idea why I put up with that so long. oh yes I do though forgot.......its the BOND of TRAUMA.
Mine had a common habit of telling me too that I HAD NO COMMON SENSE
I cant wait till he is out of here for good. Oh I will still feel hurt and pain and it really really hurts when he says how wonderful this woman is that he hasnt seen physically for 28 years. and then he knew her six months. I have found one picture of her but cant see her real well. I wish I could get into his email so I could see if she has sent more pictures. oh my what is wrong with me. Its over! I will just assume she is a beautiful woman very skinny and very classy ..........LOL
Dolly,
It's only a matter of time before he is gone from your life and then you can get some of your self esteem back. He is acting that way because he is trying to rationalize his stupid behavior. He is in for a rude awakening. And if I were you, I would seek legal counsel. The way he treats you, I would not trust him at all. It's absolutely crazy to be going through just one lawyer ... you're going down the wrong road as far as that goes. I'm sorry if I am being blunt, but it's the truth. If he is treating you poorly now and has all of your married life, why wouldn't he in the divorce proceedings. You're selling yourself short and I hate to see you treated this way. PLEASE ... go see your own lawyer or see if you can get legal aid. You deserve so much more and you probably don't see it after all of the years of abuse he's put you through. He deserves to be crucified in divorce court.
Luv
Dolly,
it is definitely the emotional abuse that makes us feel undervalued, underestimated & marginalized. my STBX does it CONSTANTLY. like you, back in april 2006, after being with his skank GF for only a couple of months, he went on to "compare" me to her--a former wife of 11 years, together 14 years. saying "she has goals and initiatives" (i never did); she's intelligent (uh, i'm not?!); "she loves me unconditionally, you never did"; "she understands me, you never did"; "she wants to help me get to the next level with my business, you never did" -- despite the fact that i cared for our children around the clock, supported MOST of his FAILED and poor business decisions that resulting in losing practically everything we owned including a beautiful home, land, cars, etc., while he went on golf trips many, many weekends and traveled out of the country alone with his single male friends as well as stayed out all night drinking with friends. i supported him 300% throughout alll failed attempts, managed to keep the family together because of stable income coupled with full health benefits while his self-employment wavered considerably, but THOSE things are seldomed considered when it comes to our contributions as women.
take it with a grain of salt because when many of our EXs are forced to look into the mirror, they see our reflection over their shoulder, and it's easier for them to blame us, but in reality, their conscience will not allow them, and at the end of the day, they will have to live with their own ghosts--don't YOU be scared by that, let HIM be scared by that.
KNOW where the emotional abuse derives: control, narcissism, anger, fear, insecurity, and a constant need to be validated as a "manly man" .
so, please, do NOT get caught up in comparisons to OW because there's NO comparison. any woman who enters a relationship boldly and willingly with an obvious half-of-a-man who is not fully healed from a divorce (especially from a relationship that lasted more than 25 years in your case,) has apparent self-esteem issues, usually desperate and "need" a man (any man'll do), and you can't judge yourself by those standards (no matter how she may "look", still deep down), she is broken, and getting with your STBX will only underscore that (for both of them!) -- talk about BrokeBack Mountain, the Remix!
long post i know, but this helps me, an excerpt i wrote from a poem i wrote called "Stepford Wife":
"No longer will I be reduced to tears amid all this strife
For there are no more tears to cry; they were poured over the death of my former existence
They linger with the expectations of my former life
They are past-tense, countless tears shed in my PRIOR robotic, routine as a Stepford wife."
NOW, you have your own heartbeat. YOU walk away knowing that you were the BEST thing that ever happened to HIM, the best wife you could be, the best mother you could be--you were simply the BEST. YOU keep moving, living, and emerging from this disappointing experience, maybe down, but not defeated, and maybe even betrayed, but still very, very BEAUTIFUL (believe that :)
hugs!!
I am not that unhappy with what is in the papers. They cant be changed without my written consent according to Idaho Law. ie if they did go to court and ask for something different the judge has to have my written approval. I have been careful to make sure all this stuff is done right. We are to go down there and sign the divorce decree based on the complaint. then they do the quit claim and it goes before the judge. even in an uncontested or agreed upon divorce there has to be a plaintiff and and a defendant even if both agree.
oh he has always provided for us. He just had my car radiator flushed, he also got a $200 tune up. for my car justyesterday. we are not rich. he works hard in construction and I sell on ebay. He says he is doing these things so I wont have so much trouble when he leaves. He has two adult kids that respect him when he does these things for their mother. that my be all it is. His pride and he can prove what a wonderful person he was in this divorce LOL
he always paid child support when ever we split or divorced before. In this divorce with the kids grown I think he feels guilty. he acts the way he does I think because he for one not only is an emotional abuser I believe he has a chemical imbalance . his mom verbally and emotionally abused his dad till the end....into their 80's.......I have asked him to go to the Dr for meds but he has always refused. He never will. doesnt matter at all now. He is so emotionally attached to this woman I will never ever take him back.
what would be the point? in all these years he hasnt improved. He has always provided for us even times we were split up. it may be so he can have a Better Than Thou attitude.
He is so wrapped up in this other woman that he hardley notices me usually. Another reason he is doing this stuff, he is doing some things around the house before he leaves too. is I bet he wants to brag to this woman what a wonderful man he is. puke.......
Thank you sooo much for sharing that with me! Yes we did our best ........and they were still who they were, and we know them and we know the pain they put us through and we know why they ran us down.
the OW doesnt know yet does she? He has charmed her into loving him again.Well I have 28 yrs with this man and she has 6 months so we will see how long he is good to her.
And maybe he just didnt love me and he will her but he was a wrong to not leave our relationship sooner .....And it is so right now that I heal from the years of agony and move on with my life.
YOu said some wonderful things , healing things! I especially like the idea that
"I WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM!"
and so were you with your stbx and we will rise above all this. We have wasted enough of our time on this game of insanity with them. NO MORE!!
you and all the people on this board are helping me survive this ordeal and helping me rise above the scum that they are doing. I just may date again and plan to have a man who cherishs me and adores me and thinks I am the Best Thing to Ever Happen to Him!! We deserve that and WE WILL NOT BE DENIED!
You have been so supportive of me I just wanted to give you hugs back! Take care of YOURSELF!! HUGS!!
M
Hi Dolly,
I am willing to bet that woman is never going to leave her husband and the relationship between them will fall apart. And your H is going to be one sorry mess ... which he deserves. Yes .. what goes around, comes around.
I hope you are doing OK. I'm sure things will work out good for you. You seem like a level headed and very nice person. Once you get through this, your life will be sooo much better.
There are some great books out there that would give you some comfort. Take good care of yourself, and do whatever YOU want to do. Now's your chance to live your life to the fullest.
((HUGS))
LuvMyLabradors
There are so many things about living alone that I wont have to put up with now. The mean glares, the criticism, the cheating, he makes fun of my country music. says its stupid and so depressing and whiney. good grief I said well ask Garth Brooks about that. He makes more money than you.
well here I am venting again. Yes I plan to bloom! May be a Late Bloom but I will yes indeed!!
thanks so much for your encouraging words.
I love the comment about blooming. I too feel like I am finally blooming. Finally, nobody is "putting me in my place." Nobody is holding me back. It feels good.
Yes, I'm under a lot of stress and pain during this process, but I am also filled with this satisfaction that I can finally be ME!!!
I did have a moment of loneliness last night, but I know it's only temporary. I can't let that get to me.