Gradual demolition of life's foundation

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Gradual demolition of life's foundation
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 4:41pm

So far there have been small detonations that have weakened the foundation of my family's existence and daily life -- 1) the suggestion of divorce (sent me into a frenzy of activity: registerd for school; changed my will; found a lawyer; got really stressed; began to grieve for my kids) -- 2) the divorce is definite (huge rush of anger, sense of betrayal, anxiety over joint holiday (Xmas) -- 3) mediation meetings; child psych meetings -- each one slowly eroding the foundation, making me sad sad sad for my girls 4) periodically discovering his financial insanity (multiple cc's, etc) and personal pursuits (iykwim) ... until today ...

a bigger blast went off today ...

Found out he has yet another cc and took a cash advance big enough to trigger a fraud alert on the card and, I dunno, I was babysitting for a friend and doing all the normal sahm stuff and I felt guilty for doing it -- felt guilty for continuing the facade of our existence!! He is meeting with his lawyer this afternoon and my lawyers says I won't get close to what I need/want from this divorce. I feel sick.

There is SO much pressure for me to "get a job" rather than take care of my 5 yo and 6 yo girls as I have always done. Neither of my dds are even in school full-time yet and my younger dd just finished pre-school for the year. The mediator, the financial planner are both wohm and I think they look down on me as if I am some lazy, do-nothing. After all, *they* do it all and their kids are in daycare and are just fine, so I should just get back to work and my kids will be fine, too. I respect their choices, but that isn't my perspective and it wasn't my choice and now I am being forced to sacrifice the high quality, high contact parenting that I felt was best for me and for my girls.

I am projecting a bit here, but for some reason, it just hit today and I feel like the life I lead with my darling, precious, innocent, trusting young children is a lie and invalid.

We tell them in three weeks and he moves out a month from now ...

I will go back to work, of course. I have to. -- thinking of part-time this Fall while my youngest adjusts to kindergarten and my oldest adjusts to her first experience of full-day school. I will also need to take some classes to get certified as a school librarian.

Then, if we are all ok and I can find after-school care that doesn't appall me (2 year wait list for school based care) I will look for something full-time. I am hoping to work within the school system so I can work as close to their school hours as possible. I want to be there to pick them up -- it is such an important time of the day for them to be able to communicate all their experiences/feelings/concerns!

Ok, thanks for listening. Just needed to weep a little with understanding folks as a mourn the collapse of our family life. I know a new family life will be created, but it wasn't what I wanted for my kids.

M