grieving

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
grieving
13
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 12:31am
Hi everyone.
Since I've been separated physically 4 months ago I notice that my ex has not even grieved one bit. Not one tear; he just goes on with his life like 10 years of marriage meant nothing. Is this normal? Or was I just that much a horrible wife that he doesn't grieve? I don't understand how such a major change cannot evoke some kind of emotion.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: bluebelle44
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 10:32am

When you say you are separated does that mean you are living in different households?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: bluebelle44
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 12:37pm

I agree with Music and would like to add

Sometimes when someone doesnt grieve it might mean they have another partner in their life filling that void.. Maybe your ex has a gfriend.

I remember when I was getting a divorce and me and my ex were still living in same house until further notice he had a gfriend and I didnt have anyone.. It kind of hurt me that he already had someone to fill the void and I didnt.. Maybe If I had a boyfriend I would have felt better..

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: bluebelle44
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 1:39pm

Hi Belle,

Your STBX moved on emotionally from your marriage a long time ago. So, he's a lot farther ahead of the "grief stage" than you are and that's not a surprise. After all, he had all ready made up his mind to leave weeks, months or years before he did, so when he left it was the culmination of his decision, not the very beginning.

You, on the other hand, were probably shocked to discover he wanted to leave and/or did. You're in the position of being the one who was left and you have to start from square one to deal with the end of your marriage. It's only natural you feel he's not missing you or your marriage (see above.). You have to go through the process of shock, denial, anger, acceptance, etc. just like a death.

My advice is get support in the form you are comfortable: a pastor, counselor, support group, good friend. Avoid trying to "medicate" your pain by dating. This isn't a good time to be making new romances; they usually end badly any way.

Take care and make sure you've got good legal advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
In reply to: bluebelle44
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 2:37pm
He could be bottling up or trying not to go there. Of course everyone grieves.Its a normal process. If he really isnt , that is, is bottling up , it will affect him negatively on his health long term.
But again, who knows men !
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
In reply to: bluebelle44
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 2:58am

Thank you for the replies.

yes, him and I live in different homes. He also has a girlfriend; so i suppose that makes him feel happy. I have no one and am not looking for someone right now as i have much other stuff to deal with now. I've resigned to being alone for life and am okay with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: bluebelle44
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 8:57am

oh; makes sense now and that is what I thought. Your stbx has a gfriend.. so he is not grieving because he has filled that void of intimacy with her .. I can bet though that one day the grass wont be greener and something will happen...

Did he leave you for her?? Can you elaborate on your story some more?

why do you want to stay alone for the rest of your life???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
In reply to: bluebelle44
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 9:17am

What's that saying about never saying never and forever is a long time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
In reply to: bluebelle44
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 8:50pm

He didn't leave for her. i'm not sure how long he has been with her. I think you are right, the grass is not greener on the other side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
In reply to: bluebelle44
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 9:01pm

more of my story: him and i separated living together 4 months ago , but were separated (sleeping at the same place, but different beds) for months before that.

i feel like he emotionally walked away from me last year. i cannot have kids because of a medical issue. i had a hysterectomy before him and i married 10 years ago. so he knew all this before marrying me. Last year he admitted to now wanting kids. it broke my heart. he wants his own biological kids. it was at

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
In reply to: bluebelle44
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 3:42pm

Not true at all, BlueBelle, there are a lot of men out there that for whatever reason, don;t want to kids, I hve a good friend 49, who has never wanted kids, ever. And my SO made sure when we started dating that I knew he did not want anymore kids. MAybe when you are further along in your healing, and ready to date again, a dating website might be a good option to find a man who truly does not kids.

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