Guess what. He wants to come backalready

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Guess what. He wants to come backalready
13
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 2:13pm
OK one day away from Momma (me) and he is already sorry he left. He called He wants to live here but he is not sure whether he will ever get with OW.
What do you do? Some of you will say NO WAY .......but some will say well who knows what does it hurt? We will still be divorced in two weeks.
He does do work around here and has some wallboard and baseboard to finish up. He also pays for everything. Maybe I will let him come back and finish some things around here and when and if he does go with OW he can support me for three more months when he leaves to give me more time with my business.
We are going to meet in a while and discuss it. I guess I will give him guidelines if I do let him come back. I know I cannot prevent these long phone calls and emails. I think he is going through mid life crisis and while most men buy a new red convertible I guess he had to find his sweetheart from 30 years ago.
I am not ready to look for another man or move on.......anyway.
I will demand that he does not verbally abuse or emotionally abuse me. If he does he can go right on out the door. And he can take me out to dinner once a week. I do like our sex life. I just cant believe he has put me through all of this.
I will keep you posted. If this crazy making does not kill me!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 11:13am
dolly I truly believe you are just settling because this life you live is all you know and all you will ever know as long as that is all you want. I am confused at all your sad posts and with the heart ache I felt you had yesterday and the days before on the betrayed spouses board. Yes go and read them again and again. Your afraid to be alone without him. Well each and everyone one of us were afraid. None of us divorced our husbands because our marriage was good at times and we were comfortable! If it was that then no one would be divorced. You might want to be careful having sex with him because just because one in monogomous does not mean the both of you are. I found that out after it was too late and the affects were devistating. I think I recall you saying you have left him twice already, what were the reasons then? If you do not mind me asking. If so that is fine it will not make a difference it was your decision. Here is how disfunctional my family was. My grandparents whom were really, really wealthy were married for 47 years. My grandma never worked a day in her life she raised 8 kids and stayed home and took care of my grandfather well the maids took care of all of them. One day my grandfather came home and told her he never loved her and had been having an affair with a woman for over 14 years and that he was ready to spend his last years with the OW and was leaving her. He packed and my grandmother just sat on the couch and let him with out one tear in her eye or one ounce of her dignity lost she let him walk out of her life just like that. My grandmother called her best friend and told her about the situation and all and her friend of course was shocked by all this but asked my grandmother " Why are you not crying?" my grandmothers reply was why should I? This is my life he asked me to marry him so I let him in it I chose to have him in it. This is not the end of my world just the end of us as a couple and now I get to live my life doing what I want to do, going where I want to go and eating what I want to eat and not having to wait for someone else. She was sixty four and from there on till this day she lives alone in California on the beach in the same home they had while they were married and she walks each and every morning, goes out to dinner with family and friends and travels where ever she wants and NEVER once did she ever let him know she was hurt and she would never let who she is now change as a person because she said that would let him know that he could come back in her life and just leave over again and again and that was not going to happen. See she is happy and if you think about it dolly HAPPINESS is only a state of mind. You choose it and what ever else emotion you want. If you want to be sad you think of something sad, if you want to be happy then you think of happy things so only you can choose your destiny and the out come of your life.
I know I am happy for her and each time I see her I am amazed at how strong of a role model she is to me and that is where I got my will power to go on alone in my life with out a man to make me feel complete. Its true it is not the end of the world!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 11:46am

Your grandmother was a gallant strong woman. I think I would feel stronger if I had money too but I realise too that may not even have been an issue.
You know like someone said on this board marriages dont last. once in a while but you hear of people getting divorced in the 70's now.
Oh we will get the divorce .......still. it will be final in about two weeks. At least that way I can have a larger SS check and be in control of part of his retirement.
The reasons we divorced before was because I was not happy and dont guess he was either.
I even fell in love with my Soul Mate during one of our divorces. It didnt last long. you know why? Because even though it was I mean the best soul mate warm loving relationship a woman could want..........the day we married he switched. Turned completely around. I was shocked. and I mean shocked. So my hopes and dreams for finding a soul mate are tainted anyway.
He never had an affair that I know of before and yes of course he could have!
I have NO idea why I was soooo hurt this time. Maybe because there was actually another woman in this deal that he said he loved. Plus we had been happier the last few years.
oh hog wash you know so many men are like this. maybe someday I will get into a better situation but right now I want to concentrate on my work.
In a way there is good in this. all the crying I did helped cleanse my soul. I mean I never hardley would cry anymore. and that is not good for a person.
I do plan to take care of my self guys. I can any day tell him to leave. but I will give him a few weeks notice. so he doesnt end up sleeping in his car. But it is his choice to continue with this divorce and his choice to contact this woman so dont worry I will take care of myself!!
My guess is he will leave and try it with her someday. She cant leave I guess for a year or year and a half is what she told him. She also told him he had to marry her before she will have sex with him. if that is right I told him well thats too bad cause if I were you I would live with this woman for a while first andhe agreed but I think there are lots of things about her that he is not going to be crazy about maybe. I think its finances. is why she wont leave yet. I told him he should not get involved with a woman that has those problems.
we had a long talk about the sex thing. and we have made a pact that the first time he has sex with her or another woman we are done in that area. I think he too is scared to death to get something.
I do believe I am stronger now. I have more time to soak all this in. I want to get more in savings. Yes I do love the man and perhaps there were things I should have done that I didnt. and honestly the emotional abuse had been so much less the last few years.
If I do meet someone I will tell him ........that I have found someone that fulfills my needs more and he can leave if he hasnt already. I had planned on probably just living with someone anyway. You get married and it goes sour and you have to go through all this crap to get out.
Well I am going to take my mom she is 84 and my sister to walmart today. (oh by the way the OW 's mom died at 52 ) .....anyway going to buy myself something .....
will chat with you all later!!




Edited 1/14/2007 9:51 pm ET by dollyfrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 6:26pm
Dolly, Boy do I understand what you are doing. I support you all the way and I pray it works out for the best. Being nearly 40 and alone sucks. Good Luck!
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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