A Guy, Emotionally Abused

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
A Guy, Emotionally Abused
17
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 8:04pm

Hoping as a male I am welcome here. Here's my story.

After a 25 year unhappy marriage that I tried in vain to hold together I realized in counseling I had been emotionally (not physically) abused for many years. Finally realized that it was not just wanting to know I had done all I could do to hold it together but that I was being MANIPULATED into staying in a relationship that was killing me.

So I filed and within days moved out. Must admit I am happy about it even though I feel lonely and fight feelings of failure.

But my biggest issue right now is this. STBX and I had NO intimate relationship for many years, and I remained faithful despite. I acknowledge though that for a year or more I have felt single in my heart. Now that I am living alone I feel eager to date or once again enjoy female companionship and if it happens female consort.

Yet I know two things: 1) I am not at all ready for a long term relationship. It will take me a while to be able to trust and feel I am not being manipulated and controlled. I will have to guard my heart, which easily becomes attached.

and 2) I am at the same time eager to be with a woman, to enjoy her company and have her enjoy mine. I have not done so for a very long time. I am 54 and have been totally out of the "dating" scene for decades!! I am almost fearful of using or taking advantage of a woman and would never want to do so, yet I imagine some women might welcome my attention, even on a sort of "no strings attached" basis. I don't want to presume ANYTHING, but I just am not sure how to tell any more what a woman may be thinking!

Perhaps you (mostly women I assume) could help me gain insight on this. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. Your questions for clarification are welcome; I am working hard given all the emotional hiding I have had to do at being as honest as I know how.

Rediscovering

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:12pm
I don't have any answers for your dating dilemas. What I do want to address is your having been in a relationship for so long a time with emotional abuse as a component. It's important that you work on yourself before attempting to get into another relationship, even though I understand that long term is not what you are looking for right now. I suggest that you seek some individual counseling. That way, when you are ready for a long term relationship, you are ready in all ways and won't get back into an emotionally abusive relationship.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:20am

Thanks so much for your response. You are of course entirely correct.

I didn't even realize the power/influence over me of the emotional abuse component until I began counseling,and am continuing to see my counselor regarding this very issue. AND she and I have already begun discussion the "now what?" questions of future dating relationships.

I am very aware of the importance of avoiding another abusive relationship. I just hope I do not walk away from what could be a healthy one just out of fear or the accident of timing, that I just made a rule about "no dates for a year" or some such. Does that make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:45am

What has your therapist said about it? Does she think you should set a time limit? In your first post, you were talking about short term (I assume sexual) relationships. Have you discussed this with your therapist, too? You clearly want some kind of sexual release. The thing to think about is how to do this in a way where no one gets hurt or it's unhealthy. KWIM? I can't advise you on that one. Hopefully, someone else here can and talk to your therapist about it.

GOOD FOR YOU for taking care of your needs and going to a therapist!!!!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:17am

You are right on both counts. I have discussed both of these issues with my therapist and will do so in greater detail in my next session.

Given that I have gone for over ten years with no sexual expression except for autoeroticism, yes there is a great need for sexual release. But there is more to it than that. Much of the abuse directed towards me was scorn of my person and performance in many areas, including me as a lover.

The height of emotional upheaval that led me to seek counseling was brought about, I suppose, by my yearning for a stable, loving, one on one relationship. I am at my core a one-woman man. Yet I fear that intimacy will be difficult for me for some time, and particularly physical intimacy, given how long it's been and the emotional violence associated with it.

I feel (and this leads to my post) that I really have two forms of rediscovery to do:

One is simply sexual, to relearn the joy of physical closeness and being with someone who actually enjoys that (because my STBX really did not). This revolves around a restoration of confidence and I suspect of renewing the experience. It's not that I would prefer that to be "no strings attached"--quite the contrary, I'd rather it not. But it's hard to imagine it being greater than that emotionally at present. The elemental issue here is that I do what I can to be certain that I am not misleading anyone or misrepresenting my intentions.

This is less important than the other but I am not sure the other can happen without it. It is (as you sensed) the more URGENT of the two to me.

This concerns me to a degree because I am emotionally at such a place that if I do not for the time being "separate" the physical from the emotional I know myself well enough to know I could easily simply be in a rebound situation and latch on to the first person who is nice to me.

I think I need to experience (this sounds self-serving I know and I would appreciate your thoughts) somewhat of a variety of sexual experience to give me perspective--to be able to sort out my feelings from the simply physical to the warmly affectionate to the deeper true love. I'm not sure I will be able to do this without re-engaging in sexual encounters.

The other form is ultimately MUCH more important. It is to allow my heart to trust again, to open itself wide, in a broad and full loving relationship that incorporates the physical as well. My concern is that I may not be able to have the second without some return to "normalcy" (whatever THAT may be) with regard to the first.

My therapist's reaction was (with regard to the first) that my concern that I not hurt a woman or use her is an indication that with the right "consenting adult" I may be able to engage in consensual sex that will be non-damaging, and that the critical component is my ability to communicate up front with her exactly who I am and how I feel. She indicated that "use" occurs from those to whom it never occurs they might be doing so.

As to the second-- While she concurred that I may need some considerable time to heal, she declined to specify any time frame for serious relationships when asked, simply noting that I will be unable to control the time at which I may meet someone with whom I am highly compatible and could be "the one". She differed from my expectation of six months or a year before "serious" dating for that reason, suggesting instead a "full disclosure" approach with anyone I might see, guarding my heart for sure, but not having a designated time frame.

My challenge is that quite honestly I love women--always have, always have had more female friends than male. I have frequently fallen into the "girl's best friend" role, cheering on (!?!) her involvement with some "bad boy" or other while pining away for her myself. I have always detested the male predator thing about singles relationships and I suppose am wondering if what I feel I need right now can be done in a way that is mutual and can be beneficial to both parties. It's been such a long time it's difficult for me to understand much of what a single woman now may feel about these things, in particular now perhaps a forty-something woman living in today's world, not the seventies when I last dated.

I think you can see I have thought about this considerably. I appreciate very much your interaction and observations.

Rediscovering

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 3:21pm

WOW! You have thought about this a lot! :) I think that your therapist is right on in not setting a time limit, but, rather, working on the basis of when you are ready.

One thing that came to mind in reading your post is that it seems like you really want to be in a long term relationship with "the one." I think it's important to note that "the one" may never come along. Are you prepared to deal with that eventuality? I think it's important that you can. Unless you are prepared for that, you are going to want to get into a relationship no matter what, which is exactly what you do not want. If you are prepared for that, if someone does come along who turns out to be "the one," it will be a big bonus in your life.

Having been in an abusive marriage of 20 years myself, I would add one more thing. Don't look for a lover or romance. Look for a best friend. Don't look for anyone who is like your ex. RUN from anyone who has ANY kind of abuse in their background whether it was as a child or an adult. That was what I did. I'm glad that I did.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 4:16am

hi and welcome

i think that i am in a similar place - got there in different ways but still.

i am 45, escaped from two abusive marriages, have one DS from first marriage. first marriage was bad, very unhealthy but second marriage was extremely emotionally/psychologically abusive and my ex tried (and succeeded) to control me thru manipulation and money. he also royally messed up my son.

anyway, i feel much like you - i would like to date just to have some adult fun, intimacy, sex, and yet i don't feel like i want to be in a 'real' relationship right now. At any rate, i am still 'fixing' me up - i have started to seriously exercise and diet, i went back to school, and i have a lot of things that i need to deal with.

I think that if i were dating i would be upfront from the first phone call. bear in mind that if you are 54 you are going to be dating women who have their own baggage and expectations anyway. i think its important to be honest - that you are looking for friendship/ companionship etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 8:18am

Your post was very thoughtful, again.

And while I did NOT want to hear it, you really caught me up by pointing out there may NEVER be "the one". Strange to say, that thought had never crossed my mind. You are of course right and I really didnt want to hear it. But now I must consider the possibility, and it will be easier once I frame the thought now, rather than only slowly over time, should that be the way things eventually play out.

And you read me correctly in that I am one who conceivably could try to force some sort of relationship simply because I need it, even if it is not there. This is an area where I (along with my therapist) have attempted to become more aware of not allowing myself to become needy.

And your observations as to "selection" are helpful too. Had not thought about the difficulties in relating to another abused person but will watch for that and be careful. I would have actually likely been more drawn to such a person because of commonality but the "two lost puppies in the pound" would NOT make a good couple, I can certainly see.

Again, your observations have been on target and very helpful. Thanks again.

Rediscovering

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 8:31am

Good that you are in "personal repair" mode. I am sure those personal improvements you feel are appropriate will help you see yourself in your own terms and less so as victim. The part of your post that saddened me was about your son, and I can only hope that he will get through it and eventually come out well on the other side.

As for me, every day I am physically separated from my STBX I feel a little more independent and aware of myself, even though it's barely been a week. Just establishing my own little home and taking care of my meals and such has been therapeutic!

You are right that virtually anyone I would find interesting would be carrying some amount of baggage. Likely anyone I see would be forty at a minimum and have kids, or wishes she had had, or whatever. LIkely prior relationships for good or bad, etc. So yes I am sure baggage comes with the traveler! But it's not like I dont carry my own!

Yes, up-front honesty is exactly what I had in mind. I am concerned though that some may be more verbally than actually comfortable with a "no strings" type relationship. And I know myself that I am certainly capable of allowing my heart too much leeway too soon in a relationship, so I have what may be a healthy suspicion of such relationships. I guess what I hope to gain from this discussion is the sense from you and other women here whether there actually CAN be such a thing, or whether we are somehow pre=programmed into trying to make these adult-to-adult encounters into something permanent.

In my own case it will be something that will probably need constant watching. The last thing I would want would be for what we thought we agreed would be one thing to turn into something damaging for both her and me. Sounds like it may bear watching for you, too.

Thanks again for posting.

Rediscovering

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:56pm
I think in the end, you are going to be okay. You are doing all the right things for yourself. I am very impressed. I really hope that you'll keep posting from time to time so that we know how you're doing!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 11:09pm

Wow. Not at all what I expected. Your sense that I am doing ok seems far from my experience at the moment, when I feel I am always only moments away from total meltdown.

But I take your words as very encouraging and hopeful. Thanks so much. I do intend to remain here and occasionally post as various milestones come and go.

Rediscovering

Pages