A Guy, Emotionally Abused

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
A Guy, Emotionally Abused
17
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 8:04pm

Hoping as a male I am welcome here. Here's my story.

After a 25 year unhappy marriage that I tried in vain to hold together I realized in counseling I had been emotionally (not physically) abused for many years. Finally realized that it was not just wanting to know I had done all I could do to hold it together but that I was being MANIPULATED into staying in a relationship that was killing me.

So I filed and within days moved out. Must admit I am happy about it even though I feel lonely and fight feelings of failure.

But my biggest issue right now is this. STBX and I had NO intimate relationship for many years, and I remained faithful despite. I acknowledge though that for a year or more I have felt single in my heart. Now that I am living alone I feel eager to date or once again enjoy female companionship and if it happens female consort.

Yet I know two things: 1) I am not at all ready for a long term relationship. It will take me a while to be able to trust and feel I am not being manipulated and controlled. I will have to guard my heart, which easily becomes attached.

and 2) I am at the same time eager to be with a woman, to enjoy her company and have her enjoy mine. I have not done so for a very long time. I am 54 and have been totally out of the "dating" scene for decades!! I am almost fearful of using or taking advantage of a woman and would never want to do so, yet I imagine some women might welcome my attention, even on a sort of "no strings attached" basis. I don't want to presume ANYTHING, but I just am not sure how to tell any more what a woman may be thinking!

Perhaps you (mostly women I assume) could help me gain insight on this. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. Your questions for clarification are welcome; I am working hard given all the emotional hiding I have had to do at being as honest as I know how.

Rediscovering

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 7:05am

arghhh i tried to post yesterday and the 'puter seems to have gobbled it up...

you are right of course - it is posible that a woman might appear to 'go along' with twhat you want, even tho its not exactly what she wants. but i think that its important to learn to take notice of 'red flags' as they pop up.

i think that part of 'my' problem was not trusting my instincts. like, when i met my second husband, i felt that things were really weird and strange about him, but i couldn't put my finger on it. i felt alot of social/family pressure to 'get married' and so i did, even tho it didn't feel 'right'. from now on - i am trusting my gut. and if something doesn't feel right - it usually isnt'...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 4:26pm

Throwing some luck dust your way, Rediscovering.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 9:42pm

Thank you, Gonnabefine.

Appreciate your good wishes, and have already discovered the domestic abuse board and posted there under several headings. Thanks for the tip.

Nice to be so welcomed in such a short time. Feel like "part of the gang" already.

Must say I was sorry to go to your profile to find out about you but not see you. HOpe it's not for safety reasons and that you are ok

Rediscovering

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 6:51pm

I like your therapist: you can't put an expiration date on your recovery from divorce.

You feel like you've been single for years: I'm in the same boat. My separation began about 4 years ago. I don't feel newly divorced. I experienced some of what you are going through. It is hard to separate genuine readiness to date or even just have sex from the initial taste of freedom you feel when the decision is finally made. Some people get divorced long before they make that decision. Thus the one year rule.

My mother is emotionally abusive, no longer to me but to my dad. I would be very wary of those same patterns evolving in other relationships. You might even find the shoe on the other foot (inadvertently, because that is what you know). So for gosh sakes, keep up with the counseling!!!

But Heck, If I met a guy like you I'd date you and consider sex without a long term committed relationship. You sound like a gentleman and if you combine that with complete honesty, you will not have any trouble with the dating scene. Particularly at your age. Give the 50ish gals in your area a chance! We would much rather be given a chance to have a drink or dinner with you that may or may not lead farther, than sit at home knowing you are sitting at home moping because you might not be ready to date. Maybe you just are!

And you know what? Once you actually begin dating you'll stop dwelling on assumptions and possibilities and work with one woman at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 7:14pm

Watershed, thanks so much for your post. For several reasons I found it encouraging.

First that I am not alone in the emotional whirlwind I am experiencing.

And second that you were so kind in describing me. I do think myself a gentleman, I love women and try to never cause harm, but of course may fail in that unintendedly, and hence my dilemma.

You are right of course about "sitting home moping". Given the pain and the awkwardness I feel about reentering the dating world after all this time (thirty years, really--a Pre HIV world--and a much more innocent time) I am concerned I might find myself taking the path of least resistance and doing exactly that.

At this point I haven't met many of the 50ish single again women in my area, but haven't been looking for long! But I will remember your words when pondering what to do when I meet one I find attractive.

You have not posted a profile so I don't know where you are, but you never know--that might be you!

Thanks again for a thoughtful and encouraging post.

Rediscovering

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 4:22am

Oh, no, don't go there! This is not that kind of board and Yes, like many, I don't have a profile for safety reasons. My Ex was reading my ivillage messages.

All I'm saying is that women have all kinds of expectations---so never assume that those are always going to be incompatible with your own.

Life is a journey, not a destination, and I think as your drama continues to unfold you'll be more prepared to enjoy each step. It is quite refreshing, actually. In my twenties it was all about finding a mate so I can have children. What I'm looking for now seems much easier compared to that.

I can relate to feeling on the edge of a total meltdown: the feeling does fade over time, it really does!

And we don't think you are ready to date today; but I think what we are seeing in you is a level of self-realization that few men achieve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:46am

I am sorry. I did NOT mean to be asking you out!! That is not REMOTELY what I meant.

All I meant by the silly remark was to say that I might have asked a woman of my local acquaintance out and---anonymously it could (by total irony--have been you. My apologies for wording it in such a way that I could be misunderstood.

I in a very short time have come to value my interaction on this board. I have by observation seen that dating etc. would violate its spirit and entirely am comfortable with that. I am sorry to have unintentionally violated your comfort zone.

Thanks for your kind comments. I am hoping my experience actually matches your positive views of where I am emotionally under my circumstances. And of course wishing you the best in your own journey.

Rediscovering

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