H not dealing with Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
H not dealing with Divorce
6
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:27pm

Hi

I've only been on here once before a few weeks ago - I'm going to bump the discussion in oder to have my situation brought up so I don't have to retype all the issues.

The problem is my situation is a bit like the boy who cried wolf....since my H and have been rebuilding over the past 3 years I have often said that I want a divorce but have changed my mind afterwards and now that I really am serious and told my H at Xmas time that it was over and I wanted a divorce he is not doing anything about moving ahead with plans to permanently separate, sell the house, move, tell the children....nothing.

We can't afford for him to move out, we're not even scrapping by with our mortgage and costs now, there is no way we could afford to rent another place for him to go until we're able to sell the house so we're pretty much stuck with him sleeping in the spare room for the moment. He has told me for the past 2 weeks that he'd come up with some options as to what we are going to do and we could discuss them but when I ask him if he's had time to think about it, he says he's been too busy etc...

We're barely able to talk civilly to each other in the meantime, I feel like I'm in limbo and the longer we just live like this, with no movement towards divorcing the more I am doubting my decision, well not so much doubting my decision, it's more worrying about the change in my lifestyle etc. He is trying to be as pleasant as he can be but even though he says that he doesn't want us to split, he is sick and tired of me throwing his Affair up in his face over the past 3 years and refuses to discuss it anymore. He has made no move to rectify the situation, ie. our lack of intimacy or affection, he is being nice, like an acquaintance would treat you.

For some reason, this infuriates me even more. I want to lash out at him, how easy it is for him to move on, he is showing no anger, no remorse, no sadness for the loss of our marriage, he is showing no emotion at all actually, he is making no move to do anything. That is what is so frustrating to me. It's like I've never said a word to him.

It's my DD's 10th birthday tomorrow. I have held off mentioning our separation to her until after that - I wanted her to have one last birthday without the stress of this but after that WHAT???

How do I deal with his total disregard to my wanting a divorce. I think we're both hoping to do this very amicably, being able to stay friends because of the children. We both want to do things ourselves and not get lawyers etc involved but how do I get him to see that I am serious this time?? I don't want to get nasty, I don't want us to end badly but I want the process started so I can't change my mind.

I went out with girlfriends on the weekend. We had a great dinner and ended up at this singles nightclub where it seems there were hundreds of 40 something unmarried mothers and just as many sleazy men looking to score for the night. I came home so depressed and he just happened to be still up. I'd had too much to drink and yelled at him for putting me in the position to be at a place like that. I ended up printing off a bunch of text messages I'd kept a record of that he'd sent his OW over the course of his A and leaving them on his bed to try and make him see what he'd done to me and why I've found his whole A too much to get over. Guess what!!! Nothing, he didn't mention it, just got up the next morning and pretended nothing had happened!!!

Oh my god, what do I do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 11:59pm

I am in a similiar situation except in reverse. I dont want this divorce but we too have been holding on to a loveless marriage. I dont know if my husband has had an affair I suspect but I dont know for sure. Anyway he has cried divorce wolf so many times that am having a hard time believing him . I jus t keep thinking that he will change his mind when he realizes what he is giving up. My love, the kids, the extended family that he has but so far he has not changed his mind.
So to make a long story short, we are going through this divorce, I am going to agree with most of his demands and I hope for my kids (10,7,3) he will agree. I just hope when he does realize and wants to come back that I am strong enough to say NO!!

Oh well I hope you are able to convince him and move on. Don't we all just need a little closure

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 1:45am

I was in a similar situation with my husband ignoring the fact that I wanted a divorce, and I finally decided to just move ahead to let him know I was serious. I went to an attorney, and proceeded with having no-fault divorce papers drawn up. I basically told him in a very nice way how things were going to proceed. We also had the problem of having money for him to find another place, and temporarily he's staying with his parents. He was resistant at first, but eventually he came around and things are going forward.

He thinks I have no feelings about the situation, but thats because I grieved the end of the marriage about 3 years ago, and he's just doing it now. I'm sad, but I'm not devastated, and he just thinks I don't care. I hope like you that we can be friends - real friends - when this is all over, but right now it just has to get over.

Good luck and know that you'll survive. Stay positive for your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 7:49am

Well being passive-agressive isn't going to work.

Time to take action. You want a divorce you are going to have to get one. Waiting around for him to do something isn't going to work.

SO what I would do is since you two want to be amicable is contact an attorney that does mediation make an appointment on a day and time you KNOW that your husband can attend. Come home set up a babysitter if you need one and tell your husband that you have an appointment on x day at x time for a mediator to mediate the divorce. If your husband doesn't show up, ask the attorney to just represent you and start the paperwork to legally seperate. You'll already be in his/her office, he can just as easily switch over to just representing you as he would be to just mediate the divorce.

The attorney that was mediating our divorce was just chomping at the bit to just represent me because he couldn't stand my ex but I just went through with the mediation I wanted it quick and painless for me mostly.

It's time for you to take action, talking about it isn't working, leaving notes on his bed isn't working and him sleeping in the spare bedroom is sending a clear enough message to your children without you having to verbalize it to them.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 8:56am

I read the pp before replying because I hadn't a clue how to respond. You got good advice, especially about going to a mediator. My stbx did that -- made the appt., forced me (not that I was gonna drag my feet, but it was just ONE week after he said he wanted a divorce, so it was a bit too soon for me.

I hated the mediator and said I we'd need to look for someone else ...

So then the ball was in my court (no pun intended) ... I used my network, starting with the child psychologist I knew who gave me names of collaborative attorneys ... long story short, I found a mediator recommended by two diff. people and a child psychologist who specializes in divorce to help with the parenting plan; this child psych works with attorneys ...

So, although I don't want the divorce, I managed to get the right players in the process for me.

You may have to at least go to the expense of a mediator. Ours is $275 an hour which is cheaper than each of you paying your own attorney anywhere from $300 an hour or more (the rates in this very expensive area).

What quality divorce do you want? How amicable the split? It is worth investing in a good mediator.

GL,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 10:22am

Sorry to hear about your divorce situation. For the time being you might want to stay away from nightclubs and other singles scenes. It's too soon to be searching for someone new and the club scene is over-rated. You will probably find someone when you least expect it and staying with a man you no longer respect is not good for you. Divorce is very painful and it takes a lot of effort to finalize. Just take care of yourself and your children and don't worry about future relationships yet. Just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 10:44am

I've beed married 15 years. I want to get the divorce but my husband does not want this. 7 years ago I took the kids and change my location. I was decided to get the divorce. But did not have the courage to finish it because he didn't want it. 3 years ago I accepted to try and find a solution to live together again - for the kids sake in his view, for his sake in my view because kids are not so attached to him.
I tried to find in me the power to continuu the relation with him - but I decided I cannot do this. I want the divorce now but he keep saying he loves me and he does not want to give up on me.
All these years I've worked , developed my own business, grew the kids - he never ever gave them any financial support - except the 1 month every summer when I accepted that the kids should go and stay with him and his parents.

He is 40 but still lives with his parents, he is earning just enough to pay for his existance and fill that I should do something to help him.

I am so very sorry that I didn't divorce 7 years ago when I realised there is nothing between us anymore and just kept hoping something will change. I was 32 than , I am 39 now. But you know what - I am not afraind to divorce even if I'm almost 40. Better alone.

Your situation is pretty difficult - is very difficult to give you advise. I hope you will find a solution.