H wants to try 6 more weeks, do I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
H wants to try 6 more weeks, do I?
24
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:53pm

Last night my H and I talked about whether it was time to end the M. He really wants us to try for 6 more weeks and give it all we've got, so that we can say we tried everything. He said it hasn't really worked because I haven't been trying and that he was finally ready to make some changes.

That I haven't been trying is partly true, when we first started discussing whether we could still make the M work back in January I made it clear then that I didn't have anymore energy to work on the M. That I was through putting my whole self into it while he didn't hold up his part. When he asked me to stick around and work it out then I could only promise to wait, and give him a chance to make some changes to see if they made me want to try again. He made a few changes, things got a little better, good enough to sustain a healthy relationship I suppose, but not enough to resuscitate a dying one, and recently he slid back into some old patterns, destroying any goodwill I'd started to feel towards him.

I don't know what to do, I've finally decided that this M is really over, but I haven't had enough time to work up the courage to actually leave yet. I don't think another 6 weeks is going to save us. I'm not sure I can "give it all I've got", if I could have done so already I would have. I don't know if this would be easier on him if I let go now or give him some more time, I feel like I've made the last ditch attempt already, he doesn't.

I've thought of telling him I would do it if he...
1.Understands that my heart isn't in it, that I won't be able to pretend that I love him like I did and that all is well.
2. That he can tell me what he needs me to do so that he feels I am trying.
3. That he can give me something measurable that he will do so that I can actually see if there has been any true changes.

The hard part is that anyone can probably be on their best behaviour for 6 weeks. He's trying to buy time. If he does good he'll ask for more. I might be okay with 6 more weeks but I don't think I want to drag it out any longer than that. So with that in mind I guess there is a #4

4. He understands that no matter how good things might seem to go for the 6 weeks that if I don't feel like I can commit back into the relationship 100% again after they are over, then its over.

I don't know if this is the way to go about it or not. Its the best I can think of though and I promised to give him an answer tonight. I mainly needed to get this sorted out in my head but if anyone has any ideas or suggestion I'm open to hearing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 4:24pm

My thought.... "well Honey, it's not working because you haven't been trying...." is clue #1.


Regardless of anything else..... the very first thing that he did was "blame" you... before he took any accountability himself.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:23am

"...the very first thing that he did was "blame" you..."

That's a good point. He's been blaming me for most of it lately. The big one is that I'm not communicating. Which, why should I, he never gets it when I have tried, so I've just quit trying. Yeah, I've got a pretty bad attitude. I even asked him why he thought he deserved a "do over". He admitted that he didn't but was hoping I'll give him one anyway.

We didn't end up talking last night because we got home way too late for a conversation of that nature. I told him I'd talk to him tonight and tell him what I was thinking. I'm going to give him a bit more time, but more because I'd already had it in my head that I would give him until the end of summer. I don't think it will make a difference and I'll tell him that. I guess he can take it or leave it at that.

I think the main thing I've realized to get through this is that I have to keep it about me. Whenever we talk he tries to steer the conversation to what he's done, and isn't it wonderful, and how can I complain when he's done x. What he doesn't understand, despite me trying to communicate it to him many times, is that it's not about what he's done recently, its about what he didn't do when it was needed. He wants me to forget that and move forward but sometimes you just can't repair something after you've broken it. So the little grain of truth in there, is that this just isn't working for me regardless of how great a guy he may be (and in many ways he is) or could possibly become.

Its just so hard, as everyone here knows, because you have to give up the good with the bad, and that's part of what makes it so hard to let go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:50am

Sure!..... it's just difficult when the bad starts weighing heavier on the pendulum than the good... and you are exactly right.... when you talk, it has to be about YOU.... "I feel....., I need..... I want....." Which is exactly why, whether or not you really are... "to blame".... or anyone for that matter... outright saying that turns a person *off* to even begin to try to start hearing what's being said... and you are much more likely to be heard if you talk about yourself... and what you need, how you feel, etc.


I know that when I finally had the talk with my then-husband, I just, really, made myself seem (to him) like the one who was.... "to blame".... I told him that he deserved to have so much more than I could give to him from his partner, which was true.... but the reasons why I could no longer be that person had a lot to do with things he had done or not done, but that was beside the point at that time... and by making it about me not being able to give him what he deserved to have :-) he was much more willing to listen to me and "agree" that it was time to move on.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 12:04pm

I so understand what you're going through. You're right when you say, "Its just so hard, as everyone here knows, because you have to give up the good with the bad, and that's part of what makes it so hard to let go." That is probably the hardest part.

My H and I were married for 11.5 years (together for 14.5) when I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. I was completely exhausted and didn't even want to come home anymore. So I told him it was over, 1 month later he started seeing a therapist on his own (which he had refused to do, literally, for years), 2 months later he moved out to his brother's house, then 7 months later he moved back in without regard for me or my feelings about it.

While in therapy, he became very self righteous "look at everything I'm doing. You're doing nothing." And on, and on. The longer we were apart, the more he forgot just how badly he'd behaved for the previous 10 years - amazing!

After he moved back home, we ended up going to counseling, but my heart wasn't in it at all. So, of course, he had to continually point that out, as if it was something I'd been keeping from him. I'd never hidden the fact that my heart wasn't in it. I'd been very open all along about my feelings.

Finally, 15 months after I'd told him I wanted a divorce, I filed the paperwork and moved out. I was really happy on my own (we have a 4-year-old daughter). I moved into a really cute house for my daughter and I. Literally 2 weeks after that, he had a heart attack (at age 39!!) on Valentine's Day, no less. Shortly after that I found out he'd been seeing someone the whole time we were separated (even while he was saying he loved me and wanted to stay married). Well, we started spending a lot of time together again, and eventually reconciled. I moved back home 2 months after moving out.

The whole point of this is that within a couple of months I knew that I'd made a mistake moving back home. Emotions were so high with him having the heart attack and then my finding out about the OW. I should have stayed in my little house and gotten a better perspective on things and a hold of my emotions.

I was really struck by your saying, "What he doesn't understand, despite me trying to communicate it to him many times, is that it's not about what he's done recently, its about what he didn't do when it was needed. He wants me to forget that and move forward but sometimes you just can't repair something after you've broken it. So the little grain of truth in there, is that this just isn't working for me regardless of how great a guy he may be (and in many ways he is) or could possibly become."

My H is also a great guy in many ways, and that makes everything so difficult. I, too, feel that everything that has happened in the past is just too much to "forget and move on" as my H wants us to do. According to him, you leave the past be and only live for today. While in some ways I can agree with that, all of the unresolved hurts, etc., are still there like a monkey on my back. My H is at the point where he thinks that everything that has happened is entirely my fault (he likes to blame a lot). Actually, now that I think about it, he's always said that.

The point that I'm at now is that I really want to move out for good. I know that my H is going to be devastated, and that's really difficult. I'm feeling depressed nearly all the time and my stomach is starting to hurt again, and I am withdrawing into myself so as not to deal with all of it. I'm not sure when I will be able to move out, but I know that it's the right thing for me. As women, we usually put others first. But it's okay to put ourselves first, too.

Someone on the Divorce and Custody board wrote to me that when we keep mulling something over, when something inside us keeps telling us we should do such and such and we ignore it, she said something like, it's not really confusion, it's really just a truth that we are unwilling/not ready to deal with yet.

I wish you luck in your decision and your talk with your H. Stay strong and keep a clear head.

Peace and hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 12:10pm

Wildlucky~

I just want to say that I really appreciate how wise you are and that you are willing to share what you've learned with everyone on this board. I've read some of your other posts and what you say rings so true. Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness. Everyone on this board benefits from your experience. It's also good to know that we are going to be okay and that we will get through these tough times. I fell so blessed to have found this and other boards on ivillage!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 12:23pm

Thank you!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 1:55pm

Wow, Wildlucky, that's really great advice! This is really helping me solidify what I want to say and how I need to approach it. I really like the approach of saying that it wouldn't be fair to him to ask him to make any changes just for me, because its hard for anyone to argue with you about watching out for their welfare.

I also understand about being willing to accept "the blame". It has been a bit scary to me to know that in order to finally go that I'll have to be "the bad guy", while I haven't wanted him to feel that way, I haven't wanted to feel it either but its probably just better to accept that that's exactly what its going to have to be. Its just human nature to place blame when somethings not working and when neither party will take it then you stay locked in a battle of wills and can never get away no matter how miserable.

I plan on taking a very pro-active approach tonight, and I'm going to be as gentle and non-confrontational as possible. I have let myself get too caught up in his belief that he can change and make things better, I know that's not true anymore and its not fair to let him believe that. I think I'll write up a script, not that I'll read from it or memorize it, just so that I'm a bit more prepared for what I want to say and how, and don't get that blank "deer in the headlights" feeling when the time comes.

Thanks so much for taking the time to answer. I'm really glad I found this place. It helps to know others have been here and made it through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:19pm

my_own_path, Thank you for the words of encouragement and for telling me your story. The emotions and experiences sound so much like my own that I feel I could have written it. While I'm sad to see so many of us is this situation its also somehow comforting to know its a common experience.

My therapist commented on that tendency our H's have for being willing to forget the past so easily and only focus on the now or the future. I can't remember her exact words but basically she said it meant that even though he places himself in the role of the victim, he's not really being hurt by those actions. Of course he wants you to forget, he knows even if he won't admit it to himself that he did something that hurt you, but he wasnt't hurt by it and won't be as long as he can keep you from seeing that you were injured. And of course, we know we are but somehow we feel that if they won't acknowledge that they hurt us that we have to keep putting up with it until they understand and admit it.

Its pretty messed up, I got back with my H after a bad break-up after our first 2 years of dating because he admitted to hurting me. Now I wonder why I didn't just take the apology and run instead of jumping back in with my eyes barely open. I can sympathize with your position, how much harder to work up the nerve to leave for a second time, with an extra layer of guilt on top. I'm sure your H will be devastated, but he will survive, if he started to see someone while you were seperated then that actually seems like a good sign that he'll eventually recover and find someone else, so that he doesn't have to be your responsibility anymore and you'll be free.

You'll go when you are ready. I can tell. I agree with the other poster, knowing something and really understanding it on a level that you can act on are two different states of being. I've known since January that this M was ending, I've only now been able to vocalize it really and truely, and it might be a bit more before I can really go. Sometimes, too, we have unfinished business that with the other person that needs wrapped up before we can go. You might need to see your H get to a certain point healthwise or mentally before you feel okay leaving for good. It might help to kind of know what that point is so you don't have to feel like its all you being indecisive, because I don't think that's it at all.

Good luck and thanks again, it made me feel really good to see your post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:30pm

Well, at the time, it was definitely the easier alternative to "take on" all of the "blame" when we talked.... even though *I* knew what the truth was.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:13am

Well...I did my best to prepare, I wrote down everything I wanted to say and went over it several times. Then I just tried to calm down until he got home. When he did I told him how I felt, that I didn't think I could give him what he wanted anymore, that my feelings had just changed to much, and though I knew he would give me everything I wanted and needed if he could I didn't believe that he was able to or he would have done so already. I said I didn't think that a few more weeks would probably change anything, but before I could say that I'd still be willing to give it a chance if he really wanted to he took my words to mean that I was done and leaving.

He did exactly what I knew he would do. What I've been so afraid of that I haven't been able to be completely honest until now about how far my feelings have changed. He got cold, and started giving me orders about what I needed to do in terms of seperating our affairs. I was told I needed to get out of the apartment as soon as possible, that I would turn over my keys to the school (his business which I've been a big part of) and to try and stay away from any place he was likely to be. Oh, and he was going to tell everyone right away. Of course I was upset, I knew this was possibilty but I really thought, that even if he didn't want to try after hearing how I felt that he would understand that this wasn't going to be like pulling off a bandaid and that it would take a little longer than an evening to settle everything.

He told me he didn't understand why I was so shocked, after all I must have known this was going to happen. I told him I honestly hadn't known how the evening would turn out, that I had planned on giving it a little longer but I'd needed him to know how I felt about it. Well there was a complete turn around on his part. As soon as he realized that I'd entertained the though of not leaving that night originally he was all...I love you, I can't live without you, we can work this out. You don't have anywhere to go anyway, you'd need to save money, you don't want to have to use your credit cards. Stay and give me more time, I know I can change your mind...I said I doubted a few weeks would make a difference and he said we'd just see and if its going okay we give it more time, that everythings getting better and in 2 or 3 years who knows where we'll be. I said I don't want to wait that long. I'm 35, I want children, I can't have them in a marriage that isn't working and I can't wait around until I'm too old just to find out. He said, then let's have children...he's be a good father, and we wouldn't be having them to save the marriage...and I said, well what if it didn't work out but the we have 1 or 2 children? He said, well hopefully we won't be jerks about it like everyone else!!! But he'd just shown me exactly how he would handle me leaving, why would he be different if there were children involved!!!

I was horrified. He'd completely torn me down, I knew I'd make it somehow but I was completely terrified and he knew it, so then he offers to make everything better, he's suddenly not cold but kind and loving. I couldn't believe I was being manipulated so callously. I can see its not something he does concsiously but he is extremely good at it. And its kept me where I am for so long. But suddenly I was so thouroughly disgusted, he just seemed crazy, and I knew I wanted to leave him more than anything. Sure he loves me, but its not a safe, kind love, its insane and its done me more harm than good.

A part of me was screaming to just say "no" tell him that its over now, but I couldn't. I realized I wasn't ready. That if he is going to push me out so thouroughly and quickly if I don't cooperate that I needed to get everything together before I leave for good. I need to set myself up first and to move out before I tell him. I need to be able to tell him then to walk out the door. I don't have any support here, when I leave him the rug will be pulled out from under me completely. Our friends, many of whom are his students or associates in some way will be sad and sympathetic, but will try not to get involved, if they have to choose they'll choose him otherwise their life changes too. I'm not bitter about that. I understand, I just know it means I have to watch out for myself first and foremost. I have one friend in the city who isn't associated with my H in any way and I'm going to give her a call today and tell her what's going on. I know I'm going to need some help even if its just to move my stuff or an emergency place to stay if things go bad before I can get myself together. And I'm going to need support to stick to this resolution. Already I feel everything normalizing and the desire to not shake things up is settling in, but I've got to stay awake!

So...so, I just need to figure out what I absolutely need to have to leave and get it all together in the next month without him knowing about it. I want out by September.

I do care for him, I wish he wasn't crazy.

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