H wants to try 6 more weeks, do I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
H wants to try 6 more weeks, do I?
24
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:53pm

Last night my H and I talked about whether it was time to end the M. He really wants us to try for 6 more weeks and give it all we've got, so that we can say we tried everything. He said it hasn't really worked because I haven't been trying and that he was finally ready to make some changes.

That I haven't been trying is partly true, when we first started discussing whether we could still make the M work back in January I made it clear then that I didn't have anymore energy to work on the M. That I was through putting my whole self into it while he didn't hold up his part. When he asked me to stick around and work it out then I could only promise to wait, and give him a chance to make some changes to see if they made me want to try again. He made a few changes, things got a little better, good enough to sustain a healthy relationship I suppose, but not enough to resuscitate a dying one, and recently he slid back into some old patterns, destroying any goodwill I'd started to feel towards him.

I don't know what to do, I've finally decided that this M is really over, but I haven't had enough time to work up the courage to actually leave yet. I don't think another 6 weeks is going to save us. I'm not sure I can "give it all I've got", if I could have done so already I would have. I don't know if this would be easier on him if I let go now or give him some more time, I feel like I've made the last ditch attempt already, he doesn't.

I've thought of telling him I would do it if he...
1.Understands that my heart isn't in it, that I won't be able to pretend that I love him like I did and that all is well.
2. That he can tell me what he needs me to do so that he feels I am trying.
3. That he can give me something measurable that he will do so that I can actually see if there has been any true changes.

The hard part is that anyone can probably be on their best behaviour for 6 weeks. He's trying to buy time. If he does good he'll ask for more. I might be okay with 6 more weeks but I don't think I want to drag it out any longer than that. So with that in mind I guess there is a #4

4. He understands that no matter how good things might seem to go for the 6 weeks that if I don't feel like I can commit back into the relationship 100% again after they are over, then its over.

I don't know if this is the way to go about it or not. Its the best I can think of though and I promised to give him an answer tonight. I mainly needed to get this sorted out in my head but if anyone has any ideas or suggestion I'm open to hearing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 8:29pm

Blue -

I would have to say you and madmaxx were eloquent in your expression. All I can say is - I am 56 and wish I had left my marriage at 35, before I had my son, so that I wouldn't be putting him through all this pain now, and so that he had a different father who didn't use him to manipulate me. I wish He had a father who could teach him without belittling him. I wish I had a husband who loved me as well as I loved him. I wish, at 56, I had lived a different life. I wish, I wish, I wish. Blue, don't be me in 20 years.

Don't think I am wallowing in self pity. I still have a long life left. I WILL get at least partial custody of my son, and WILL use whatever time the court gives me to teach him and show him a different way of life.

Madmaxx, I have no advice for you. Just sympathy. You have a hard road ahead of you, to let go of something and someone you really love. I guess I was lucky (?) in that respect, I stopped loving my H long ago, though it was after he stopped loving me, even though he still can't admit it.

Take care. Thank you for all the in depth thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 1:11am

Blue,

I was where you are 13 years ago. And I didn't leave, but through the next few years, we went to some counceling, and 6 years ago, we tried conceling again - and then agian last fall after I asked for a separation. I gave it more time. And we are here again. I tried to explain my growing unhappiness here and there throughout the years, my ways of expresson may not have been what he could hear, or maybe I didn't try hard enough to make him hear it. I didn't outwardly show a lot of the unhappiness or happiness becuause I lost faith in us and in the possibility of change and progress. But he saw the unhappiness. Instead of finding a way to help it, he was angry about it and hurt, but resolved in his actions and motivations for them. I - yes I'll repeat it for clarities sake, I gave up on us, I didn't mean to, but I did. I admit it completely. Am I not proud of it, not at all. But I can't go back. It's not there enough to learn new trust and faith.

I am not going to go into all the detail, but I can say that your M is still young - The two of you might actually be able to save it. It would't be easy, and it might hurt to find a way to change. You are at an impass, a crossroads of sorts, and this cross road can come again later in life or just stop or it can change and grow to something new that you both want. Ultimatelly it is up to both of you. NOT one or the other. You have to grow together.

My H is a good man. I think we very sadly lost this along the way. And the details of how it was lost is not the point anymore. The point today is that it is lost, and it hurts everyone involved.

Your words regarding your situation, and a few of the others who have posted have been very insightful and helpful.

I wish you the best of luck, and I especially wish you clarity of mind, openness of mind and most of all hope.

Either choice you make, you will be ok.
S

Edited 8/14/2007 1:16 am ET by suzi_q2006




Edited 8/14/2007 1:29 am ET by suzi_q2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 1:50pm

"I think back to the first 6 months when he broke a chair and didn't come back til the next day...shoulda gotten out then."

ifeelsick - I know this feeling exactly. The last several months I have constantly gone back to the moment in time when I decided to get back together with my now H, after we had been broke up for a year. I keep wishing, wishing, wishing I hadn't done it. I know why I did it, I know my thinking and it wasn't that it wasn't sound its just now we are so much more entrenched, and though things have improved somewhat from where we started originally, we basically have the same issues. I know its useless to dwell on something that I can't change at this point, and I was never the kind of person who did it before but I can't seem to stop it. I really feel like I made a mistake, the fixing of which is as bad as the mistake itself.

Good luck on trying to mend things. Its difficult when they are not totally honest with you. I've been doing the wait and see if my feelings will change for 8 months now, they probably won't unless you are determined that they will, and its hard to do that when you know the problems aren't solved. It's a fine line between agreeing to being amendable to reconcilation and refusing to be blind to something that's not working. However, I think it does help to be "nice", when I first started trying to decide to the stay or go question I figured I could still treat him like someone I care about because that was true whether I stayed with him or not. I think I pretty much have, however, I can tell that hasn't really been enough for him because he is seeking committal from me, not pleasantness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 2:34pm

Suzi_q

Thank you for the kind words. It actually is comforting to hear you will be okay because, even though you know its true, sometimes inside you doubt it.

I know that if I throw myself into I can save my marriage. My H is comfortable in it and would never choose to change it, though its debateable how much he'll ever really put into it. I've always known that keeping this marriage going is really about whether I want to or not. Its always possible it will change for the better in the future, but its more probable that it will be same thing, different day (for the most part).

I know that all marriages are take a lot of care and attention to be good, but I believe there are marriages that are pleasant to uphold because you get so much in reture and those that are not because you work so hard for the smallest return. Let me use an analogy.

When I was younger I used to have pet ferrets. My first one was a doll! He was so sweet and loving and fun to play with, once he learned he wasn't suppost to do something he never did it again. Of course he took a lot of care, they are very high maintenance animals but I got so much in return that I never begrudged the work of caring for him for an instant! I thought he was so great I decided to get a second one. What a mistake! This one was the exact opposite. He wasn't much interested in people, he was constantly getting into things, making messes, if I got angry at him for doing something he wasn't supposed to it assured that he'd do it at every opportunity just to spite me. I did resent the effort of taking care of him, because not only was I not getting much back from him but aside from all the regular care was extra effort to clean up after all them messes he caused. There were many times I hated that animal! But I took care of him for his whole life (which was long for a ferret) because I feel with animals that if you've made the commitment of caring for them you have to stick keep it, because they can't take care of themselves. I learned with him that I simply had to love him unconditionally no matter how much trouble he caused me. When he finally passed on I missed him, I'd learned to love him because I'd had him so long and he'd required so much of my energy for many years, but I have to say my life is a lot more pleasant without him.

I'd prefer a marriage that resembled my relationship to that first ferret and not the second. But the second is exactly what I have. In fact, I think about the resemblance between my husband and that ferret all the time (lol)! I guess it begs the question of whether I should commit to the marriage with the same commitment I gave the animal, but I do feel there are some differences. A man is capable of surviving without me (no matter what he may think) and we're talking about an extremely large chunk of my life, not just 7 or 8 years. Still, its a factor, and I have to weight it against whether I am willing to accept living in a marriage that's (more than likely) always going to require a little more effort to make work then the good returns I'll get out of it?

By the way, giving up when something is obviously not working is only normal (and healthy). I don't think you should be ashamed of yourself for that. If you tried to walk through a wall and hurt yourself, you'd try to find another way past it. If you keep trying to go through the wall because someone else insists that if you just keep trying that it will eventually work you'll only hurt yourself very badly. If the other person insists that if you don't keep trying that it will hurt them, what are you going to do? If you care for them, there's a very good chance you'll start pretending that you're still trying to walk through the wall when really you are not. Not the best solution, but often the easiest, and kind of where I think, many of us on this board are right now.

I'd like to wish for you what I keep asking for myself everyday...

The vision to see the right path, and the courage to act on it.

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