Had an awful nightmare last night!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Had an awful nightmare last night!
4
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:44am

I know it was a memory that I tried to forget but my nightmare woke me up in tears! Let me explain...

On January 15, 2003, we had flown my dad and mom home from Harlingen, TX in an air ambulance because he wanted to come home. He was set up in a hospital setting (nurses from Hospice came in 3x a week to bathe him, check his vitals, etc.) and he had no idea of how sick he was. Mom and I had chosen not to tell him (probably one of the biggest mistakes of our lives but we didn't want him to stop fighting). Anyway to the nightmare...

Early morning on February 9, 2003, the phone rang and it was my mom. She was hardly able to speak but did get enough out to tell me that my dad was dying. I flew out of bed and got dressed as fast as I could, and that selfish SOB STBX of mine wouldn't let me go by myself. He told me I was in no shape to drive. I told him to get up and get dressed then but he instead got up and got into the shower! I was LIVID!!! I couldn't believe that a shower was more important than my dad. Anyway it took him about 1/2 an hour to get ready. By the time we got to my mom and dad's, my dad was gone and my mom was alone. I didn't even get to tell him I loved him...I didn't even get to say good-bye.

I am so SAD and angry with my STBX! Why is he so selfish and so self-centered? I realize now that he only used me to get what he wanted and he never cared what I thought, felt, or otherwise. Why was I so STUPID to stay with such a creep?

I miss my dad so much and I believe if he was still alive, my STBX would be hurting right now. My dad was a very giving and loving person and would have never let everything that has happened, happen. He would have never let my STBX get away with what he has done to me, my mom, my children. I hope that my STBX rots in H$%l!!!

Not a good way to start my day...I'm sooooo angry all over again and now even more bad memories are flooding into my brain...I guess I had better keep myself busy today!

Thanks for letting me vent...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 12:24pm

First let me say I am sorry for your loss. It can't be easy losing someone that close to you, let alone a parent. Hugs to you sweetie.


Secondly, I know your angry with your STBX for his actions and I know that you blame him for not being able to say goodbye. Who know's how things would have turned out if you had that extra half an hour. The bottom line should be that you should try and take that anger and work towards healing with the loss of your father. The how's and the why's are sometimes what makes us so angry/sad we forget about what we are really grieving for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 12:51pm

Thank you Angelena! I know that anger is a bad emotion and you are right about the extra 1/2 hour. I do blame my STBX for the missed opportunity to say good-bye to my dad as he could have waited until after my dad's passing to shower. He knew how important to me my parents are, and should have just let me go. My dad passed away 5 min. before we got there.

On the day of my dads' funeral, my STBX didn't do a thing to comfort me or my mom. Instead, at the reception afterwards, I found him out back drinking beer and smoking pot. It seemed to me he was celebrating while my mom and I went through the "motions". I can't help but think back that maybe he was happy that my dad died. I know this sounds morbid, but, you would have to be around my low-life STBX to understand how uncaring he really is.

There are sooo many more things about my STBX that burns my butt! Why, oh why, didn't I see what he was all about?

Thanks again, Angelena!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:14pm
I hope that you are having a better afternoon.... I'm so sorry about your dad, but I also know that he heard... and still hears....

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 4:47pm

Well people deal with grief in different ways. I am NOT AT ALL justifying what he did that day, drugs suck in any form ( alcohol or weed ) but people grieve in different ways.


I hope you are having a better afternoon. I am so sorry for your loss and please please use the boards to talk if you ever need to..... we are all here :)


Hugs,


Angelena