Had mediation on Mon- feeling confident!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Had mediation on Mon- feeling confident!
4
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 12:54pm

My H was abusive verbally and a couple of relatively minor physical events as well. He had a self described "mid-life crisis" at age 36 and decided he needed out. Since our psuedo separation (we have attempted a couple of reconciliations) he has taken advantage of his freedom and dated and slept with other women. Also had a vasectomy when we had discussed the possibility of a third child. During a period of separation I started going to counselling and soon realized his behaviour towards me was very abusive and escalating (you don't realize it when you are in the middle of living it). At that point I totally realized that I no longer loved him and wanted out. The tables flipped. Now he is desparately sorry and wants to reconcile but I need to separate for now and deal with all that has happened. I have forgiven him but I will never forget. So we sold our house and I move into my new place in one month. I am really looking forward to my freedom knowing I will finally have some peace-of mind. In the meantime he has been pretty greedy about finances, threatening ways to lower child support payments, wanting to put all support money into a trust account for the kids (he can't stomache the idea of giving me money to spend as i see fit on the kids - he thinks it will just contribute to my "lavish" lifestyle).
Well.... the mediator totally put him in his place. In one mediation appointment STBX has now agreed to my proposed custody and holiday schedule and understands how support works and is no longer complaining about paying it. It was all I could do to wipe the smile off of my face after our marathon 4 hr mediation appointment. I am ecstatic! STBX called me the day after mediation to try and convince me why I needed to allow him to write off his truck payments etc. and I took the opportunity to put him in his place. He had been badmouthing me to some mutual friends etc. and I was sick and tired of taking the higher ground (I credit this message board for giving me the strength to do what was right - plus I had a harmless outlet to vent where it did not affect him in any way but was cathartic for me!). I agreed to a 60/40 custody split which pays out the same as a 50/50 split even though the chances of him having the kids 40% of the time is very unlikely. Under normal circumstances he would have to had pay more than double in child support once his time dropped under 40%. I am crediting him that time in order to continue having my girls (5&3) the majority of the time. I am thrilled ( I earn a good wage so money was not my greatest concern but it was his - he makes a lot more money than I do). Actually when the mediator learned our respective salaries he quickly pointed out to STBX that I was entitled to spousal support!!! I waived it so that coupled with having the kids less were two HUGE gifts for him as the mediator was very quick to point out. I feel like the winner though. I am very happy with the way this is going. No more battles with STBX. Our mediator, who is a retired judge with 35 yrs experience, quickly pointed out that STBX can fight it in court if he wanted but that he would definitely lose and he would end up paying me everything including full child support and spousal support too! It is nice to know that should things turn sour, I can always go back to court and have payments adjusted accordingly. I would never threaten to do that but now he knows so I am hoping that will be the end of his BS.

Ding ding ding - we have a winner!

Rose (who is one very happy mommy right now! ;)

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 2:20pm

Rose,

I love your posts! You are a woman of action and decisiveness! And it is paying off!!! Way to go! You are inspiring!

For me, the two biggest hurdles to being where you are: 1) I don't have a job and when I do it will not pay well (they don't pay librarians with master's degrees very well) and 2) My stbx doesn't plan a lifestyle that will make it easy on our children (no details today).

I hope, somehow, it can get better because I so admire your attitude and place in the karmic world right now.

I also wish we had a mediator who would call my stbx to task for his crazy ideas, inconsistent behavior and lack of follow-through!!! Being "neutral" doesn't mean ignoring that one of the parties is being an a$$.

So, way to go, Happy Mom!

Hugs,

A much admiring M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 2:52pm

Hey M - Have you thought of going the corporate route and finding a job as a corporate librarian or even looking after records retention? Those jobs could potentially pay very very nicely. Any pharmacuetical company or a company dealing in potentially harmful products - chemicals, tobacco, alcohol, medications etc., would all need superior skills in that area. Failing to do so could result in major financial penalties. Even law firms for that matter would need someone with your skills. Just food for thought....

As far as finding a decent mediator, have you asked your lawyer to recomend one? We both got recomendations from our lawyers. STBX found this one and I think he figured he had the guy in his back pocket since STBX went to highschool and played sports with this man's children. SURPRIZE!!!!! The mediator asked us both to fill out a multi page questionaire that asked for some background information as well as any areas of concern. My areas of concern drilled down to custody and child support since STBX was giving me a hard time about how much he was "willing" to pay. STBX never did fill in his questionaire so fortunately for me the mediator focused on resolving my issues. He focused on developing a parenting plan that was least disruptive to our daughters lives and then once that was resolved, we discussed support. That way - the amount of support was not driving the custody issue as it never should.

You are right though - you need to feel confident in the mediator that you are working with. Find one that is intelligent and comes highly recommended. While our mediator played fair, he was also speaking from years of very qualified experience. Hence his no non-sense approach about the reality of the court system should STBX decide to go that route. I knew what I wrote in my questionaire (it was confidential and STBX did not receive a copy) so I knew exactly what he was doing. I just feel so vindicated...

Hugs to you M - things are going to work out for you I firmly belive in what goes around, comes around! ((((((Sending you some of my good karma)))))))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:49am
I am so glad to hear that your mediator is on the ball and that prospects are looking good for you. I can only hope that I find myself in a similar position soon! But, I sure am happy for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:34am

Thanks Cbote - I have to say that things looked horrible for me at the onset of all of this happening. It was all completely out of my control and I felt completely helpless. But once I realized I wanted out maybe even more desparately than he did, I focused right away on the issues that I knew were important to me. I called legal aid immediately to find out what I had to do in order to secure more than 50% custody of my daughters. I had a list of questions for that free lawyer and I received a lot of good information. The rest did kind of fall into place - STBX was an idiot and my friends rallied around me which has been wonderful. I do not have any family and my friends have taken on that role in my life for a number of years now. I feel very fortunate and blessed.

My fingers are crossed for you that things will work out in your favour. Just try to think like your STBX that way you can fight fire with fire. That strategy has worked wonders for me. (He has a very devious mind - I do not, but I had to anticipate his every move. It has been exhausting but I think it has paid off).

((((((hugs to you)))))))

Rose
(I have to keep in mind it is not over until it is signed sealed and delivered!)

Rosecolouredspecs