I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, and trust me, we're in very similar situations. My husband and I have been seperated for 3 wks but I see no end to to it in sight. I know about not being 'in' love anymore and I truly believe that unless both parties have fallen out of love, there's hope that it can still work. As for your husband saying that he wants to divorce but still remain friends- I just wouldn't. It hurts so much worse to see each other during a seperation, that remaining friends after the divorce could do more damage than good. Just know that it's natural to lose your appetite and use sleep to escape from reality. Be careful though because the more you sleep the harder it will be to come to terms with what's happening. Surround yourself with friends and family and hang in there, even if it hurts, they'll give you the unconditional love that you deserve. I hope I helped a little, I'm still trying to find my way through this as well. One day I'm completely broken and the next I hate the very thought of my husband showing his face. But I know that things will level out soon enough, and that will be the time to make definate decisions about our marriage.
We have a similar situation in many ways. My husband and I have been married 15 years and one month ago today he moved out - came and said he wasn't in love with me anymore. We have 4 young children who are very active, so I have to see him several times a week at sporting events, school open houses, etc. We are seeing a marriage counselor, but he insists that he is not willing to reconcile.
He tells our friends that I am still his best friend and he likes spending time with me, he just isn't in love with me and wants to find happiness somewhere else. This breaks my heart, how can he call me his best friend and treat me and the kids the way he has.
This separation really came as a shock to me and the kids. We, like you and your husband, hardly ever fought, we have always seen eye to eye on money, how to raise the kids, everything. Some people, including our counselor, say to be patient and wait it out because he is confused and doesn't really know what he wants, but the waiting is so hard. I think for me it is because I feel out of control and that is an uncomfortable feeling.
I also can't sleep, I barely eat, I have nausea and all of the symptoms you describe. I just want you to know that you are not alone in your reactions. I finally went to the doctor Friday and got anti-depressants because all I would do is sleep and cry and that has been going on for a month. My kids are fairly young and they are all deeply wounded by his leaving. I love my husband so much and I really hope he has a change of heart and decides to come home. I think he is depressed and maybe if he gets that treated he can think with his right mind.
I feel your pain in prolonged grieving. I can't seem to pull myself out of it either. I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but talking to people helps me a little, even though I usually cry through most of my conversations. Good luck.
What is it with men and "you're my best friend, but...." or "I still want to be your friend"?? All I know is I sure don't treat my friends the way my STBX has treated me over the years. Geesh.
Hang in there NayNay. I hope he comes to his senses.
Funny, people must be having the same conversations all over the country. We agreed to wear our wedding bands until we get divorced, although we haven't yet said if we are getting divorced for sure and any time I bring up lawyers, my husband gets upset about it, even though he is the one that left and asked for a divorce. We also agreed not to date during our separation, which we are supposed to re-evaluate in October. Not that I am in any condition to date anyone, nor do I have any desire.
My daughters wanted to see him today, so we went out to breakfast together, but kept it all about small talk. I didn't mention anything about us or the marriage counselor or the kids problems with all of this - just politics and current events, news about friends, etc. It went pretty well. We hugged goodbye, but not a real good hug, just friendly.
I know I should stop calling or emailing. I do email him all the info about the kids and their schedules, but I know I should quit pursuing. His aunt and my mom (both divorced) told me that men like the chase, not to be chased, so maybe that is why your husband is asking you to travel with him now. Do you want to reconcile with him? If you do, I hope that what you are doing continues to work. I think it's a good sign that he hasn't taken his ring off. I think it means he hasn't completely let go, so maybe something can be saved. My husband wears it most of the time, sometimes when he goes running or hiking he takes it off and then doesn't put it back on for a day or two, but then it always shows up back on again.
I think my husband may be going through a mid-life crisis too. People say he might be too young for that, but we married young and if it is about feeling you didn't experience enough or life is getting away from you, then I think it can happen at any age.
I know exactly how you feel about not knowing where your husband is. I even drive by his brother's (where he is staying) sometimes when I get off work to see if he is home or not. He usually is, so he must not be taking too much advantage of his single life, which comforts me a little. I think he is pretty depressed, so it is hard to motivate yourself to do anything, as you know.
Feel free to email me if you want to continue talking, or we can just post here.
Naynay1234 -
We have a similar situation in many ways. My husband and I have been married 15 years and one month ago today he moved out - came and said he wasn't in love with me anymore. We have 4 young children who are very active, so I have to see him several times a week at sporting events, school open houses, etc. We are seeing a marriage counselor, but he insists that he is not willing to reconcile.
He tells our friends that I am still his best friend and he likes spending time with me, he just isn't in love with me and wants to find happiness somewhere else. This breaks my heart, how can he call me his best friend and treat me and the kids the way he has.
This separation really came as a shock to me and the kids. We, like you and your husband, hardly ever fought, we have always seen eye to eye on money, how to raise the kids, everything. Some people, including our counselor, say to be patient and wait it out because he is confused and doesn't really know what he wants, but the waiting is so hard. I think for me it is because I feel out of control and that is an uncomfortable feeling.
I also can't sleep, I barely eat, I have nausea and all of the symptoms you describe. I just want you to know that you are not alone in your reactions. I finally went to the doctor Friday and got anti-depressants because all I would do is sleep and cry and that has been going on for a month. My kids are fairly young and they are all deeply wounded by his leaving. I love my husband so much and I really hope he has a change of heart and decides to come home. I think he is depressed and maybe if he gets that treated he can think with his right mind.
I feel your pain in prolonged grieving. I can't seem to pull myself out of it either. I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but talking to people helps me a little, even though I usually cry through most of my conversations. Good luck.
What is it with men and "you're my best friend, but...." or "I still want to be your friend"?? All I know is I sure don't treat my friends the way my STBX has treated me over the years. Geesh.
Hang in there NayNay. I hope he comes to his senses.
Naynay1234 -
Funny, people must be having the same conversations all over the country. We agreed to wear our wedding bands until we get divorced, although we haven't yet said if we are getting divorced for sure and any time I bring up lawyers, my husband gets upset about it, even though he is the one that left and asked for a divorce. We also agreed not to date during our separation, which we are supposed to re-evaluate in October. Not that I am in any condition to date anyone, nor do I have any desire.
My daughters wanted to see him today, so we went out to breakfast together, but kept it all about small talk. I didn't mention anything about us or the marriage counselor or the kids problems with all of this - just politics and current events, news about friends, etc. It went pretty well. We hugged goodbye, but not a real good hug, just friendly.
I know I should stop calling or emailing. I do email him all the info about the kids and their schedules, but I know I should quit pursuing. His aunt and my mom (both divorced) told me that men like the chase, not to be chased, so maybe that is why your husband is asking you to travel with him now. Do you want to reconcile with him? If you do, I hope that what you are doing continues to work. I think it's a good sign that he hasn't taken his ring off. I think it means he hasn't completely let go, so maybe something can be saved. My husband wears it most of the time, sometimes when he goes running or hiking he takes it off and then doesn't put it back on for a day or two, but then it always shows up back on again.
I think my husband may be going through a mid-life crisis too. People say he might be too young for that, but we married young and if it is about feeling you didn't experience enough or life is getting away from you, then I think it can happen at any age.
I know exactly how you feel about not knowing where your husband is. I even drive by his brother's (where he is staying) sometimes when I get off work to see if he is home or not. He usually is, so he must not be taking too much advantage of his single life, which comforts me a little. I think he is pretty depressed, so it is hard to motivate yourself to do anything, as you know.
Feel free to email me if you want to continue talking, or we can just post here.
Good for you for being strong!