This happened to you? Legal manipulation

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
This happened to you? Legal manipulation
3
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 2:05pm

Hello.

I just wanted to see if similar things have happened to anyone else. In order to try and keep this short (that's hard to do! lol), I'll give a most recent example of what I call manipulation of the legal system to intimidate me. I waited for weeks to call my SBTX to tell him I changed my mind about mediation. I put it off because I didn't want to hear him manipulate and talk me out of it.

The reasons I changed my mind is I realized we were poor candidates for mediation to work well for us in property settlement. He made it clear to me that he wasn't willing to deal fairly - he wanted me to let him have the house (curiously I highly doubt he would just give up his rights to the house - the marital property - if he were in my position) - and I hate to admit it, but I see I can be easily intimidated. Those were the two biggest reasons why mediation would not work. Well maybe for him, but not for me. So I'm trying to be strong and stand up for myself and my rights to my own stuff. Oddly enough, he thinks he's being completely reasonable and I'm being unreasonable.

So I finally called him and told him I changed my mind, and wanted to settle through court. He asked why. I told him I didn't want to tell him. (For the aforementioned reasons.) The very next day my lawyer receives a letter from his lawyer threatening criminal harassment charges. Now if anyone has been "harassing" it's been him, repeatedly calling me and manipulating with threats of having to move with kids to get a better job etc. Those messages were recorded btw. Yay for me on that count.

While in one sense, I think go ahead, then the court will see what nonsense your wasting the court's time with. Then again, my first experience with the court regarding temporary custody (he got) tells me that anything can be twisted, made up and well, who really knows what the court will conclude. I have definitely lost any sort of faith or hope in the "justice" system and law enforcement. And just FYI, I was a stay at home Mom for the past five years of two precious boys, ages 5 & 3. Amazingly, what I do have faith and hope in is God. I don't understand this, but I trust Him.

Again, curious to hear if anyone has gone through legal abuse. I think that's what this should be called. Please share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 3:13pm

There is NOTHING wrong with deciding mediation is not for you. I know there are many couples it has worked well for, but I wasn't able to mediate either. My ex and I met for a session with the mediator. He "forgot" to show, and the mediator had no problem calling his phone numbers to track him down, telling him to relax and get there when he could, etc. When he showed up, I really sensed that there was a bias in his favor. When we were talking about child support, he said he would, "look over his bills" and "see" what he could pay. For him, this would mean MONTHS of "looking over bills," then probably deciding he could pay about $50.00 a month. The mediator asked me if this was OK.....um, no, it wasn't. She was also fine with the fact if he paid no support I'd have to get a second job, although I would have primary custody. That was the last session I had with her.


You don't have to explain to your STBX why you don't want to mediate. You can simply tell him you're not comfortable with it....end of story.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 5:17pm

Thanks. That's what I did. I didn't explain anything to him. Which I'm sure just added to his frustration. Poor guy. (That's sarcasm btw.) I have heard others say mediation didn't seem very helpful to them. I think either way - mediation or legal route - it's not necessarily going to be fair or just, just because a mediator or judge says so. Not to mention, even these people - the lawyers, the judges - have their own personal baggage that affects their subjective judgement in court (within the bounds of the law of course). Of course it's male dominated, which means unless there's battering involved they're more likely to identify with my husband than the SAH Mom. And the women in the field, they're doing what women in the home often do - bending to the male manipulation in the courts and law field. In the end I am putting a certain amount of trust in my lawyer, and maybe the luck of the draw for the right judge, and faith in God to work this out.

What's not so funny is I was almost ready to give it up to him. But then I figured out if I'm not going to do this for me, I have to do this for the kids. No court is going to give any sort of custody to a parent who can't afford a house - which at this point would be the case unless I fought for my right to my portion of the marital property.

Good for you on dropping out of that "mediation". I hope it works out better for you and more fairly for everyone settling the old-fashioned way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 6:59pm
Interesting. In Oregon, mediation is mandated by state law for child custody. However, you are not allowed to discuss ANY finacial matters, settlements, cs, etc. in mediation.

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