Can you tell me what finally happened that caused you to decide to get a divorce? I am wrestling with the decision and have been for the last couple of years. thx, jp
Your words ring true for me. The transformation from sad to frustrated has started to occur because I am starting to not care what she thinks....so I just state my position and that's that. Used to care about her moods and how she was doing, but none of it made any difference. In spite of sitting and talking, trying to understand, show her I care, she remains steadfast in her place of limbo land. She enjoys the home, the income, the dinners, the trips, but clearly is not interested in reentering the relationship emotionally and now I am starting to wonder if she ever will. I have for the longest time thought that one day the tide would turn, but so far minimal movement in this area.
I have two choices, sit and wait, or divorce and move on.....both are difficult and painful so maybe that's why I do nothing...
thx for the thoughts and your emotions that helped you decide what to do. My mind knows what to do......tough for the heart with so much at stake.
"Besides, I could tell that his priorities hadn't been focused on making our marriage work for a long time, so why was I the only one willing to invest? "
Now that's a great statement. That's where we are. She's happy to be there, just not really wanting to put herself into it. Just does her thing. Does a little housework. Feeds the boys now and then. But basically ignores me...unless she need something.
And I read, want to talk, ask her to do things, pay for whatever.....and wait and wait.....and can't figure out why things don't get better. She says she tried for several years after we were married in the early '80's, but I even have a hard time remembering that! (her trying, that is). So, I guess that what I have now is what I'll always have unless I do something else. Sigh. Who would ever think life would be this way.
"She says she tried for several years after we were married in the early '80's"
Let me tell ya (OK, HER!)... Marriage, freindship, parent/child, employee/empolyee, employee/boss, shopper/retailer, etc.... you have to "try" each and every day.
Powerful stuff.....and all makes sense. She sort of tries, but it just seems like her heart is not in it. Maybe it will get better...some days it is, others it just isn't. sigh.
It really wasn't just one thing, but a series of behaviors I could no longer endure. If I had to narrow it down to one factor, it would be neglect. My ex spent most of our marriage away from home. He was always out with friends. I ended up being solely responsible for the house and childcare. I just couldn't stand the rejection one more day.
The straw that finally broke the camel's back was counseling. He half-heartedly said he would go. First session? He said he couldn't go because he wanted to play poker with his buddies. Second session? Canceled for golf with his buddies. He showed up for the third session for 20 minutes, then said he had other things to do and left. I knew at that moment that if he could not commit one single hour every-other week in counseling to help save our crumbling marriage, I was done.
hmm, i guess in certain areas my life has improved. Ive become more ambitious in terms of myself. I have a much better job than I did when i was with my husband, I went back to school to get my masters, I workout more.
Other than that...my life hasnt improved. I turned to alcohol after we split and lost two very good friends because of it. that is such a long story, i wont even get it into it. They basically drank quite a bit too, but came down hard on me, stopped speaking to me until i asked what was wrong, then they told me. They were sisters so i felt ganged up on. We still dont have a relationship really. I moved in with my best friend of 20 years after the divorce (we got a place together) 3 years later i moved out. She is basically mad at me now for moving out and we're not speaking. I didnt handle things super well, i dealt with the situation mainly over email. I should have spoken to her more face to face, but she didnt try to either. She was very messy, left dishes in the sink for week, the bathroom was a pigsty. I tried to speak to her about this once, but she got mad at me. Towards the end i couldnt take it anymore (there was a few more things) so i moved. I gave her notice...but now she wont respond to my emails. I dont really have it in me to try and repair things, at least not now.
I still seem sensitive to things...but jaded in other ways. I dont miss these people that i dont speak to anymore...but before my ex i didnt have issues with people...
I am dating someone now, i'm very happy with him. It's only been about 3 months so we'll see...
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Hey... I'm hijacking and jumping in here.
For me, I knew that I was ready when I was feeling more mad and frustrated about my situation... than "sad" and torn about it.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Your words ring true for me. The transformation from sad to frustrated has started to occur because I am starting to not care what she thinks....so I just state my position and that's that. Used to care about her moods and how she was doing, but none of it made any difference. In spite of sitting and talking, trying to understand, show her I care, she remains steadfast in her place of limbo land. She enjoys the home, the income, the dinners, the trips, but clearly is not interested in reentering the relationship emotionally and now I am starting to wonder if she ever will. I have for the longest time thought that one day the tide would turn, but so far minimal movement in this area.
I have two choices, sit and wait, or divorce and move on.....both are difficult and painful so maybe that's why I do nothing...
thx for the thoughts and your emotions that helped you decide what to do. My mind knows what to do......tough for the heart with so much at stake.
It is tough, but there's a lot at stake either way.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
"Besides, I could tell that his priorities hadn't been focused on making our marriage work for a long time, so why was I the only one willing to invest? "
Now that's a great statement. That's where we are. She's happy to be there, just not really wanting to put herself into it. Just does her thing. Does a little housework. Feeds the boys now and then. But basically ignores me...unless she need something.
And I read, want to talk, ask her to do things, pay for whatever.....and wait and wait.....and can't figure out why things don't get better. She says she tried for several years after we were married in the early '80's, but I even have a hard time remembering that! (her trying, that is). So, I guess that what I have now is what I'll always have unless I do something else. Sigh. Who would ever think life would be this way.
Thanks so much for the insights.
"She says she tried for several years after we were married in the early '80's"
Let me tell ya (OK, HER!)... Marriage, freindship, parent/child, employee/empolyee, employee/boss, shopper/retailer, etc.... you have to "try" each and every day.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
It really wasn't just one thing, but a series of behaviors I could no longer endure. If I had to narrow it down to one factor, it would be neglect. My ex spent most of our marriage away from home. He was always out with friends. I ended up being solely responsible for the house and childcare. I just couldn't stand the rejection one more day.
The straw that finally broke the camel's back was counseling. He half-heartedly said he would go. First session? He said he couldn't go because he wanted to play poker with his buddies. Second session? Canceled for golf with his buddies. He showed up for the third session for 20 minutes, then said he had other things to do and left. I knew at that moment that if he could not commit one single hour every-other week in counseling to help save our crumbling marriage, I was done.
Better!
I have my life, my soul and I have me again!
hmm, i guess in certain areas my life has improved. Ive become more ambitious in terms of myself. I have a much better job than I did when i was with my husband, I went back to school to get my masters, I workout more.
Other than that...my life hasnt improved. I turned to alcohol after we split and lost two very good friends because of it. that is such a long story, i wont even get it into it. They basically drank quite a bit too, but came down hard on me, stopped speaking to me until i asked what was wrong, then they told me. They were sisters so i felt ganged up on. We still dont have a relationship really. I moved in with my best friend of 20 years after the divorce (we got a place together) 3 years later i moved out. She is basically mad at me now for moving out and we're not speaking. I didnt handle things super well, i dealt with the situation mainly over email. I should have spoken to her more face to face, but she didnt try to either. She was very messy, left dishes in the sink for week, the bathroom was a pigsty. I tried to speak to her about this once, but she got mad at me. Towards the end i couldnt take it anymore (there was a few more things) so i moved. I gave her notice...but now she wont respond to my emails. I dont really have it in me to try and repair things, at least not now.
I still seem sensitive to things...but jaded in other ways. I dont miss these people that i dont speak to anymore...but before my ex i didnt have issues with people...
I am dating someone now, i'm very happy with him. It's only been about 3 months so we'll see...
Pages