My divorce basically destroyed me, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I am 47 years old, I'll be 48 in June. Ihave been divorced for almost 6 years. I was married to the ONLY man that I will EVER love for 22 years. We have 2 beautiful, wonderful grown daughters--19, and 22 years old. My ex-husband just FELL out of love with me, and asked for a divorce, about a year after our 20th anniversary. I fought, begged, pleaded, tried EVERYTHING to change myself, so that he wouldn't leave me, and destroy this life, this family that we had. He was determined, however, and no amount of counseling, or actions on my part affected his resolve to divorce me, and break up a family, a lifestyle, and the security of all concerned, financially. My problem--the thing that I just can't get past, is that even though I have been involved with a man for almost 4 years, now, and thought that I did love him at one point, I CANNOT get over my love for my ex-husband. I was only 18 when i met him--he was the ONLY man I ever dated, the first and only REAL love I'll ever have, I truly believe that. This man that has stuck with me for these past 4 years, we have been 'off and on' for basically the whole time we have known each other. He still says that he loves me, won't give up on me, and semes to believe that ONE day, we will both feel the same way about each other. I should also add that he's 10 years younger than me, never been married, never had children. I have health problems, emotional problems, I've gained over 50 pounds since my divorce, and I truly hate myself, and can't understand WHY in the WORLD this man even wants me! I just wish that I had a time machine, I would set it for 15 years ago, and work really hard on my marriage, so that I would still be married, with my family still intact. I didn't want this divorce, and now, I'm the one that is ALL alone. my girls are in college, and my ex has been remarried for 3 years, now, and is very happy. WHAT did I DO to deserve being abandoned, and left to live my life like this, never being able to move forward, and unable to open my heart again. When I vowed ro love my husband "till Death", I MEANT it. I sometimes wish that I weren't alive. This is no way to live a life, broken at almost 48 years old, and unable to find any real reason to be on this earth. I know that no-one can help me, I just need to vent, I needed to write this all down, for my heart is too full of sadness to hold it all in.
So--to answer the question, Has your divorce changed you for the worse or the better?
I have no advice but just wanted to give you a hug. <<>>
I hope you are able to love again. You didn't deserve this. No one does. And it's not your fault. He's the one who walked out on his marriage. It has to be hard to come to terms with someone you loved so much being able to do that.
My ex left me because I'm not a good enough house keeper, lol. It amazes me the trivial reasons men will destroy their families for. Falling out of love is not a reason to leave a marriage. Couples fall in and out of love all the time. Love isn't a constant and you have to feed it to keep it alive.
As hard as it is, accept that he has moved on and will never be in your life again and find something for you.
Thank you so much for your compassionate and encouraging message!
We have something in common. ONE of the reasons that my ex told me he wasn't happy was that I wasn't a 'good enough housekeeper"! I don't know how a person could live with themself, knowing that they allowed their selfishness destroy not only a marriage, but a whole family unit. When I was a child, the thought of my parents not being together was one of my biggest fears. As fate would have it, my parents did not split up, but my mother died of cancer at 43 years old. I was 22 years old, and had just been married a little over 2 years.
What hurts my heart is the fact that MY daughters DID , and will always have to deal with their parents divorcing, and losing the security of growing up with BOTH parents under the same roof.
It's a SAD statement of our time when all it takes is ONE person to destroy an entire family. Thank you, again, for taking the time to write such a sweet, and thoughtful message to me.
This is a long post....I was married 17 years...walked out the week before thanksgiving with almost nothing...no money in the bank...and barely able to survive with two kids in tow. But I can tell you now...I set my goals..as I sat by myself at midnight on New Years Eve, watching the ball drop....by myself with 2 kids sleeping...I got a great new job, making a lot more $$, school tuition reimbursement (so I can get my masters), my own place, and finally have gotten my financial world back in order. I truly thought it would take a lot longer. There is no better feeling in the world than feeling financially independent from the (hopefully) soon to be X, and when the bill comes in, I can pay it. I have found the friends who I thought were more "acquaintances", have been the closest friends I have had since I left him. They have completely supported me. The few "friends" I had when I was still with him, I have not heard from since the day I walked. I walked because I lost myself in my marriage, I walked around on eggshells, trying to please him, who truthfully would never be pleased with me. And as much as he accused me of having another person in my life, that caused our separation, there was nobody. It was just the dream of someone someday who might like or maybe come to love me for who I am. There is nothing more degrading than going through life, being felt like you are worthless, and you are a complete waste of space on the planet. And even more devastating would be my children growing up to feel that our marriage was "normal" and continuing the cycle. I now come across friends and relatives who are completely floored when they see me.And although the physical metamorphisis is only exterior...they can see my inner soul shine again. There are only four things left on my "list" for this year. I have come a very long way in a very short span of time. And truthfully I am happier than I have been in years. I like myself, happy with who I am, I do have some changes I would like to make in myself, but would not change my decision for all the tea in china. BUT...that all being said...I do not encourage anyone to walk the path I am taking. (with the exception of abuse). And (as I said to one of my girlfriends who was going through a very hard time a couple of months ago...and will say it to the world)...I would do anything I can to support one's marriage, and whatever they need to keep it together. One of the funny things I found out in the last couple months, be warned, is that women don't want you around their husbands because you have now become a threat. I find totally bogus...evidently they have a very low self esteem or their marriage is already on the rocks. And men don't want you around their wives, because they assume you are doing to lead them to the dark side. Which is also bogus, also showing their lack of self-esteem and their marriage is on the rocks. I can only tell you my experience, please do not make any rash life altering decisions of my opinions, since I have been truly blessed.
Wow. My mom died of a stroke when I was 22 and she was 44. I had been married almost 3 years at the time of her death.
I agree on it breaking my heart that my girls have to deal with this divorce. I would, and did, put up with a lot to prevent a divorce for their sake. Kids should not have to deal with this. I hurt more for them than me.
This is an amazing thing, that you and I have dealt with such similar sadness and challenges! I'm so sorry that you lost your mom, also, when she was such a young age, too. How tragic. If you don't mind my asking, how old were your daughters when you went through your divorce? Mine are now 18 yrs old, and 22 years old, but were 17 and 14 when we split up.
I guess that I should be grateful that they weren't little children, and that my ex has been a very good dad to them, all along. We keep a 'civil relationship', for the girl's sake. He married again only 2 years after our divorce was final, but, again, gratefully, his wife is sweet to the girls.
I would have to say that yes mine for the most part changed me for the better. I seem to have become a better person all the way around yet there are still times when I am down and feel the pain that once was so over whelming that I almost let it take over and would have made some very bad mistakes. It took alittle over a year before I could ever date or even thank about trying to. And now today I have coustday of my son and with gods help I will soon have coustdy of my daughter. I have a woman in my life that brought faith, trust, love, and friendship to mylife. I can say that even with the times that come when I do miss being married to my ex that it was her choise and not mine, and what she did not to just me but also our family I could never forgive here for. But yet today I am pretty much a better person all the way around.
I just filed. My girls are 11 and 9. I wish they weren't going through this as children. I would have stayed with him in spite of his drinking to have spared them this but he is the one who decided to leave. Apparently, I'm not nice enough and I don't keep house well enough. Whatever.
His drinking makes this hard. Not that it ever was a good thing but before the separation, my kids, at least, lived with one sober parent. Now I have to fight tooth and nail to try and maintain that, though he claims to have stopped drinking now that I'm not driving him to it (ugh, it's always our fault and never theirs isn't it?).
I hope he has stopped drinking but I don't trust him here. He has a pattern of cutting back on drinking after a major blow up (I assume him leaving and me filing qualifies) but he's never maintained that for long. He's never quit before either though. If he has, maybe he can maintain that. If so, I have to get used to not having my girls around all the time. That's going to be hard.
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My divorce basically destroyed me, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
I am 47 years old, I'll be 48 in June. Ihave been divorced for almost 6 years. I was married to the ONLY man that I will EVER love for 22 years. We have 2 beautiful, wonderful grown daughters--19, and 22 years old.
My ex-husband just FELL out of love with me, and asked for a divorce, about a year after our 20th anniversary. I fought, begged, pleaded, tried EVERYTHING to change myself, so that he wouldn't leave me, and destroy this life, this family that we had.
He was determined, however, and no amount of counseling, or actions on my part affected his resolve to divorce me, and break up a family, a lifestyle, and the security of all concerned, financially.
My problem--the thing that I just can't get past, is that even though I have been involved with a man for almost 4 years, now, and thought that I did love him at one point, I CANNOT get over my love for my ex-husband. I was only 18 when i met him--he was the ONLY man I ever dated, the first and only REAL love I'll ever have, I truly believe that.
This man that has stuck with me for these past 4 years, we have been 'off and on' for basically the whole time we have known each other. He still says that he loves me, won't give up on me, and semes to believe that ONE day, we will both feel the same way about each other. I should also add that he's 10 years younger than me, never been married, never had children.
I have health problems, emotional problems, I've gained over 50 pounds since my divorce, and I truly hate myself, and can't understand WHY in the WORLD this man even wants me!
I just wish that I had a time machine, I would set it for 15 years ago, and work really hard on my marriage, so that I would still be married, with my family still intact.
I didn't want this divorce, and now, I'm the one that is ALL alone.
my girls are in college, and my ex has been remarried for 3 years, now, and is very happy. WHAT did I DO to deserve being abandoned, and left to live my life like this, never being able to move forward, and unable to open my heart again. When I vowed ro love my husband "till Death", I MEANT it. I sometimes wish that I weren't alive. This is no way to live a life, broken at almost 48 years old, and unable to find any real reason to be on this earth.
I know that no-one can help me, I just need to vent, I needed to write this all down, for my heart is too full of sadness to hold it all in.
So--to answer the question, Has your divorce changed you for the worse or the better?
WORSE, most definitely for the WORSE.
Hugs, Brenda
I have no advice but just wanted to give you a hug. <<>>
I hope you are able to love again. You didn't deserve this. No one does. And it's not your fault. He's the one who walked out on his marriage. It has to be hard to come to terms with someone you loved so much being able to do that.
My ex left me because I'm not a good enough house keeper, lol. It amazes me the trivial reasons men will destroy their families for. Falling out of love is not a reason to leave a marriage. Couples fall in and out of love all the time. Love isn't a constant and you have to feed it to keep it alive.
As hard as it is, accept that he has moved on and will never be in your life again and find something for you.
<<>>
Thank you so much for your compassionate and encouraging message!
We have something in common. ONE of the reasons that my ex told me he wasn't happy was that I wasn't a 'good enough housekeeper"!
I don't know how a person could live with themself, knowing that they allowed their selfishness destroy not only a marriage, but a whole family unit.
When I was a child, the thought of my parents not being together was one of my biggest fears. As fate would have it, my parents did not split up, but my mother died of cancer at 43 years old. I was 22 years old, and had just been married a little over 2 years.
What hurts my heart is the fact that MY daughters DID , and will always have to deal with their parents divorcing, and losing the security of growing up with BOTH parents under the same roof.
It's a SAD statement of our time when all it takes is ONE person to destroy an entire family.
Thank you, again, for taking the time to write such a sweet, and thoughtful message to me.
I'm sending you a <> right back!
Thank you, Brenda, for your kind words, and for the hug. :-)
It helps to know I'm not alone.
BUT...that all being said...I do not encourage anyone to walk the path I am taking. (with the exception of abuse). And (as I said to one of my girlfriends who was going through a very hard time a couple of months ago...and will say it to the world)...I would do anything I can to support one's marriage, and whatever they need to keep it together.
One of the funny things I found out in the last couple months, be warned, is that women don't want you around their husbands because you have now become a threat. I find totally bogus...evidently they have a very low self esteem or their marriage is already on the rocks. And men don't want you around their wives, because they assume you are doing to lead them to the dark side. Which is also bogus, also showing their lack of self-esteem and their marriage is on the rocks.
I can only tell you my experience, please do not make any rash life altering decisions of my opinions, since I have been truly blessed.
Wow. My mom died of a stroke when I was 22 and she was 44. I had been married almost 3 years at the time of her death.
I agree on it breaking my heart that my girls have to deal with this divorce. I would, and did, put up with a lot to prevent a divorce for their sake. Kids should not have to deal with this. I hurt more for them than me.
This is an amazing thing, that you and I have dealt with such similar sadness and challenges! I'm so sorry that you lost your mom, also, when she was such a young age, too. How tragic.
If you don't mind my asking, how old were your daughters when you went through your divorce? Mine are now 18 yrs old, and 22 years old, but were 17 and 14 when we split up.
I guess that I should be grateful that they weren't little children, and that my ex has been a very good dad to them, all along. We keep a 'civil relationship', for the girl's sake. He married again only 2 years after our divorce was final, but, again, gratefully, his wife is sweet to the girls.
Trying HARD not to be bitter........
I just filed. My girls are 11 and 9. I wish they weren't going through this as children. I would have stayed with him in spite of his drinking to have spared them this but he is the one who decided to leave. Apparently, I'm not nice enough and I don't keep house well enough. Whatever.
His drinking makes this hard. Not that it ever was a good thing but before the separation, my kids, at least, lived with one sober parent. Now I have to fight tooth and nail to try and maintain that, though he claims to have stopped drinking now that I'm not driving him to it (ugh, it's always our fault and never theirs isn't it?).
I hope he has stopped drinking but I don't trust him here. He has a pattern of cutting back on drinking after a major blow up (I assume him leaving and me filing qualifies) but he's never maintained that for long. He's never quit before either though. If he has, maybe he can maintain that. If so, I have to get used to not having my girls around all the time. That's going to be hard.
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