""""""His drinking makes this hard. Not that it ever was a good thing but before the separation, my kids, at least, lived with one sober parent. Now I have to fight tooth and nail to try and maintain that, though he claims to have stopped drinking now that I'm not driving him to it (ugh, it's always our fault and never theirs isn't it?)."""""
gotta love living with a drunk. they accept no responsibility and blame everyone else. i used to believe it, and at times, still do. stay strong. you can do it
I would have to say BOTH, the better? I am no longer M to a man that after 26years of M never loved me and still thought about the g/f he had before me,yes 26years ago. I just wish he would of filed for a D a long long time ago so I could of found a man who actually loved me,now here I am 50 years old and alone,so now we get to the worse.
When I was M I was financially secure,not rich by no means but both of us worked hard,never had kids and enjoyed all of the perks of having good jobs. NOW,I am financially crippled, he is not mind you just me. He as a matter of fact is making plans as we speak to build his 2nd house ,he started to build his first house one month after I was served D papers. He fought me for 3 years which is how long my D took to be final over the amount of alimony he should pay. He had a p**ck for a lawyer who did every thing in his power to make sure the X did not have to pay what he should of paid me in alimony for being M to him for 26years. Basically he drug the D on until I ran out of money. If I told you what he makes a year vs what I make per year you would throw up.
I did not qualify for permanent alimony because the X said he planned on retiring at 62,so we (the master) took the word of a pathological liar and only granted me alimony for 10years,at the end of 10years I will no longer be able to continue to live in my home and pay all of my bills on my income,so I might be homeless. I had to refinance my home for 30years .
My X in the mean time found a new g/f 2 months after moving out in 2005,they are now going to build a home and the plan is some day to get M. Me,I am 50 and alone.
I think my D has made me bitter and made me not trust anyone, I really don't think I could ever be in a relationship with someone out of the fear that I would find myself going thru another D,once was enough thank you. I would like to add, I never saw this D coming,I was totally blindsided, and after 26years of M the X could not even tell me face to face he wanted a D,he wrote it on a piece of paper. What a coward.
The good part is,he is not my problem any longer and sooner or later his g/f will see the true him,right now he is playing Mr Romantic etc, and I am a firm believer in KARMA.
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." ...Helen Keller
I am not happy at all with the divorce I am experiencing. One of the things you said sounds like me: ONE person can destroy THREE (in my case) lives because he is too selfish, self-absorbed and sick to care about anyone, even his very young children, other than himself. Purchasing his "freedom" at the expense of their happiness.
Stunning.
Otoh, I am determined, at age 47 (not far behind you) with a 5 yo and 6 yo to raise and support, to take my life in my hands and make the best of it. Unlike you he wasn't the love of my life, but someone I settled on because time was running out, so I don't have that much love to grieve the loss of, but still -- at my age and with young children, I will spend the rest of my life working very hard and being quite poor, but I will try to be as optimistic and loving and giving as I can be because this is the only life I have and I want to model that for my children.
May you have some sort of blessed healing of your hurt and some day look forward to life!
Wow, make that three of us who lost our moms young--I was 19 when my mom died of cancer at age 60. Also, I have girls and also I don't think children should have to go through this unless the marriage was truly destructive (mine wasn't; my spouse just couldn't be a grown-up, in my opinion).
I have responded to some of the messages in this thread, but not responded to the original post until now ...
I know this divorce will help me grow to be a better, stronger, wiser, kinder, more loving and compassionate person. So, it will make me better.
I know this divorce will free me of some of the stresses involved in dealing with my stbx as a spouse, so it will make me better.
I know this divorce will give me *some* freedom to make my own choices about things, so it will make me better.
I know this divorce will put my children and me into a state of near-poverty and so this divorce will make things worse. I simply will not be able to earn enough to support even a middle class lifestyle because of my profession (and yes, I have a masters degree); not a profession intended to support a family.
I know this divorce will hurt my children tremendously and helping them heal and survive and grow and mature will be painful and challenging so this divorce will make things worse, but maybe my children will still grow to be whole, healthy happy young adults with the grace of God.
Would we all have been better off if my stbx and I remained married and worked on making our marriage a good one -- ABSOLUTELY!!! Is that possible? Not, when one spouse isn't willing, so my children and I will make the best of this tragedy (and it is a tragedy) and I will leave it to God to judge my stbx when the time comes.
I agree. Had stbx not left, I would have stayed to spare my girls this. While we were unhappy together, there was no violence. Just him crawling into a bottle every night. Most nights, he left me alone. Even when he didn't, it was just complaints. I yell too much, I'm not nice enough, I forgot to throw out the soup can after I opened it... I didn't like his nagging but I would have, and did, put up with it for my girls sake. Divorce is not something a child should have to endure. It was his choice to leave and in doing so he left me no choice but to file. I simply cannot, voluntarily, hand custody (half or otherwise) to someone who drinks every night. I certainly would not hire a sitter who showed up with a six pack and had one popped before they sat down when they got to my house so why would I want the kids living with him half the time?
He doesn't get it. He thinks I'm just being a witch with a B. With us together, my kids had access to one sober parent all the time. I want that for them post divorce too.
Oh, I am so so sorry to hear how it all worked out. I have to believe there is some kind of eternal justice when people do what your X has done to you -- to profess love and then to try to harm (financially as well as in other ways). I absolutely cannot believe, after 26 years of marriage and at age 50 you didn't get permanent alimony. That is insane! So, he wants to retire at 62, how about you getting to retire. I hope you are getting half his pension!!!!
I will pray that the quality of your life is much better even if financially you must sacrifice. One thought is maybe it would be good to sell your home now and get a smaller one you like so that the move is your choice and doesn't feel forced. You could invest any equity/price difference and generate some additional income that way.
Sorry to get practical, but that is one of the scenarios that has been proposed to me -- sell my house, buy a much cheaper place and invest the difference so I have more income since I will have a modest salary once I return to work (I am a sahm). Unfortunately for me, there is nothing in my area for the kind of money I have been advised to spend on another home -- except maybe a 1 br condo and I am not raising my 5 yo and 6 yo in a 1 br condo when they have had a house with a yard, 1 1/2 blocks from their school and next door to the community pool.
Oh gosh that is gonna be such a fight. Have you gotten good folk to help you establish his lack of fitness to have the kids unsupervised? I hope so. I am SO sorry.
My stbx isn't a drinker. He has other serious issues and I expect will be unable to maintain an environment that will be safe, clean and orderly (understatement) for my children. I can't go into details, but it feels worrisome.
You are doing the right thing, even though it's got to be so hard. My sister was married to a man that has had alcohol and drug addiction since they were first married.
They had 2 boys, and her husband just got worse, and worse, until SHE was doing everything, and the boys practcally had NO father. She is divorced from him, now--finally! She now says that she wished that she had done it much earlier, because she realizes now how much her ex-husbands' behavior really had a negative affect on her boys.
When there is addiction, or abuse in the picture--Divorce is really the healthiest choice for you and your children. You have my admiration!
I watched my sister struggle for too long in a miserable, dysfunctional, hellish marriage. Don't LET this man convince you that you are the 'reason' he drinks. BULL--he is the only one that is responsible, or I guess the right word is irresponsible for his behavior. It really is helping for me to share thoughts with others that understand! Thanks for your messages.....
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gr8-
""""""His drinking makes this hard. Not that it ever was a good thing but before the separation, my kids, at least, lived with one sober parent. Now I have to fight tooth and nail to try and maintain that, though he claims to have stopped drinking now that I'm not driving him to it (ugh, it's always our fault and never theirs isn't it?)."""""
gotta love living with a drunk. they accept no responsibility and blame everyone else. i used to believe it, and at times, still do. stay strong. you can do it
what
Hi,
I would have to say BOTH, the better? I am no longer M to a man that after 26years of M never loved me and still thought about the g/f he had before me,yes 26years ago. I just wish he would of filed for a D a long long time ago so I could of found a man who actually loved me,now here I am 50 years old and alone,so now we get to the worse.
When I was M I was financially secure,not rich by no means but both of us worked hard,never had kids and enjoyed all of the perks of having good jobs. NOW,I am financially crippled, he is not mind you just me. He as a matter of fact is making plans as we speak to build his 2nd house ,he started to build his first house one month after I was served D papers. He fought me for 3 years which is how long my D took to be final over the amount of alimony he should pay. He had a p**ck for a lawyer who did every thing in his power to make sure the X did not have to pay what he should of paid me in alimony for being M to him for 26years. Basically he drug the D on until I ran out of money. If I told you what he makes a year vs what I make per year you would throw up.
I did not qualify for permanent alimony because the X said he planned on retiring at 62,so we (the master) took the word of a pathological liar and only granted me alimony for 10years,at the end of 10years I will no longer be able to continue to live in my home and pay all of my bills on my income,so I might be homeless. I had to refinance my home for 30years .
My X in the mean time found a new g/f 2 months after moving out in 2005,they are now going to build a home and the plan is some day to get M. Me,I am 50 and alone.
I think my D has made me bitter and made me not trust anyone, I really don't think I could ever be in a relationship with someone out of the fear that I would find myself going thru another D,once was enough thank you. I would like to add, I never saw this D coming,I was totally blindsided, and after 26years of M the X could not even tell me face to face he wanted a D,he wrote it on a piece of paper. What a coward.
The good part is,he is not my problem any longer and sooner or later his g/f will see the true him,right now he is playing Mr Romantic etc, and I am a firm believer in KARMA.
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." ...Helen Keller
HUGS to you, too.
I am not happy at all with the divorce I am experiencing. One of the things you said sounds like me: ONE person can destroy THREE (in my case) lives because he is too selfish, self-absorbed and sick to care about anyone, even his very young children, other than himself. Purchasing his "freedom" at the expense of their happiness.
Stunning.
Otoh, I am determined, at age 47 (not far behind you) with a 5 yo and 6 yo to raise and support, to take my life in my hands and make the best of it. Unlike you he wasn't the love of my life, but someone I settled on because time was running out, so I don't have that much love to grieve the loss of, but still -- at my age and with young children, I will spend the rest of my life working very hard and being quite poor, but I will try to be as optimistic and loving and giving as I can be because this is the only life I have and I want to model that for my children.
May you have some sort of blessed healing of your hurt and some day look forward to life!
M
Wow, make that three of us who lost our moms young--I was 19 when my mom died of cancer at age 60. Also, I have girls and also I don't think children should have to go through this unless the marriage was truly destructive (mine wasn't; my spouse just couldn't be a grown-up, in my opinion).
M
I have responded to some of the messages in this thread, but not responded to the original post until now ...
I know this divorce will help me grow to be a better, stronger, wiser, kinder, more loving and compassionate person. So, it will make me better.
I know this divorce will free me of some of the stresses involved in dealing with my stbx as a spouse, so it will make me better.
I know this divorce will give me *some* freedom to make my own choices about things, so it will make me better.
I know this divorce will put my children and me into a state of near-poverty and so this divorce will make things worse. I simply will not be able to earn enough to support even a middle class lifestyle because of my profession (and yes, I have a masters degree); not a profession intended to support a family.
I know this divorce will hurt my children tremendously and helping them heal and survive and grow and mature will be painful and challenging so this divorce will make things worse, but maybe my children will still grow to be whole, healthy happy young adults with the grace of God.
Would we all have been better off if my stbx and I remained married and worked on making our marriage a good one -- ABSOLUTELY!!! Is that possible? Not, when one spouse isn't willing, so my children and I will make the best of this tragedy (and it is a tragedy) and I will leave it to God to judge my stbx when the time comes.
So, may better overcome worse :-).
M
I agree. Had stbx not left, I would have stayed to spare my girls this. While we were unhappy together, there was no violence. Just him crawling into a bottle every night. Most nights, he left me alone. Even when he didn't, it was just complaints. I yell too much, I'm not nice enough, I forgot to throw out the soup can after I opened it... I didn't like his nagging but I would have, and did, put up with it for my girls sake. Divorce is not something a child should have to endure. It was his choice to leave and in doing so he left me no choice but to file. I simply cannot, voluntarily, hand custody (half or otherwise) to someone who drinks every night. I certainly would not hire a sitter who showed up with a six pack and had one popped before they sat down when they got to my house so why would I want the kids living with him half the time?
He doesn't get it. He thinks I'm just being a witch with a B. With us together, my kids had access to one sober parent all the time. I want that for them post divorce too.
Oh, I am so so sorry to hear how it all worked out. I have to believe there is some kind of eternal justice when people do what your X has done to you -- to profess love and then to try to harm (financially as well as in other ways). I absolutely cannot believe, after 26 years of marriage and at age 50 you didn't get permanent alimony. That is insane! So, he wants to retire at 62, how about you getting to retire. I hope you are getting half his pension!!!!
I will pray that the quality of your life is much better even if financially you must sacrifice. One thought is maybe it would be good to sell your home now and get a smaller one you like so that the move is your choice and doesn't feel forced. You could invest any equity/price difference and generate some additional income that way.
Sorry to get practical, but that is one of the scenarios that has been proposed to me -- sell my house, buy a much cheaper place and invest the difference so I have more income since I will have a modest salary once I return to work (I am a sahm). Unfortunately for me, there is nothing in my area for the kind of money I have been advised to spend on another home -- except maybe a 1 br condo and I am not raising my 5 yo and 6 yo in a 1 br condo when they have had a house with a yard, 1 1/2 blocks from their school and next door to the community pool.
Ok, I will be quiet!
M
Oh gosh that is gonna be such a fight. Have you gotten good folk to help you establish his lack of fitness to have the kids unsupervised? I hope so. I am SO sorry.
My stbx isn't a drinker. He has other serious issues and I expect will be unable to maintain an environment that will be safe, clean and orderly (understatement) for my children. I can't go into details, but it feels worrisome.
I hope you are able to protect your children.
M
Thanks, M
Hugs right back at you! You sound like a strong woman, and you and your litle ones are blessed to have each other!
I appreciate your encouraging and compasionate message. :-)
Juls
You are doing the right thing, even though it's got to be so hard. My sister was married to a man that has had alcohol and drug addiction since they were first married.
They had 2 boys, and her husband just got worse, and worse, until SHE was doing everything, and the boys practcally had NO father. She is divorced from him, now--finally! She now says that she wished that she had done it much earlier, because she realizes now how much her ex-husbands' behavior really had a negative affect on her boys.
When there is addiction, or abuse in the picture--Divorce is really the healthiest choice for you and your children. You have my admiration!
I watched my sister struggle for too long in a miserable, dysfunctional, hellish marriage. Don't LET this man convince you that you are the 'reason' he drinks. BULL--he is the only one that is responsible, or I guess the right word is irresponsible for his behavior.
It really is helping for me to share thoughts with others that understand!
Thanks for your messages.....
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