The best I can find. However, I also realize this is a very tough fight. Alcohol isn't like other drugs where any use is proof. I have to prove excessive use. IMO and in the opinion of many like alanon, drinking EVERY DAY is excessive, however, he doesn't normally get drunk. Someone on one of these boards mentioned the term "functional alcoholic" and I looked it up and it fits him to a T.
In the meantime, I'm looking for alateen meetings for the kids. Dd#1's counselor says that they can help equip the girls with the coping skills they'll need if I lose this fight. Sadly, they will be turned into little narcs keeping tabs on daddy's drinking if I lose and I could. Our marriage counselor says that usually they get caught but he's seen two cases where he knew the guy was an alcoholic but he won custody anyway.
The alone part scares me but, like you, I was married to a man who never loved me. I was a convenience item. When we married, he was looking for an aupair not a wife but I was too young and didn't realize that. Later, I went to college and earned enough money that I was still convenient to have around. He's divorcing me now because I was planning on taking a 50% pay cut to go into teaching. Apparently, I'm not worth putting up with on a teacher's salary (insert rolling eye icon here). He's going after custody of our kids so I have to pay him child support. I'm going after custody because he drinks too much. It's going to get ugly. Very ugly.
I'm almost 48 and resolved to spending the rest of my life alone but I plan on making it a busy life. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I'll keep busy.
Thanks. We can use all the prayers we can get. Functional alcoholics are fairly acceptable to society. People just don't stop and think about the fact they're not qualified to have custody of children because drinking is so acceptable.
I face a similar challenge with my stbx. His issues aren't easily perceived because every one has them to some degree, just not to his degree. So, it is hard to get people to understand the magnitude or impact of the challenge (I don't want to be too specific; not sure who might be looking over my shoulder on a public message board).
I have been advised by the child psych that I talk with not to make a big deal of it because it might trigger a full child-custody eval, but I gotta protect my kids. Not sure what to do at this point.
GL to you. Stay around and share and continue to get support!
Sadly I did not get any of his pension,all I did get was a lump sum out of his 401K. I was told I could try and get some of his pension OR get X amount of years of alimony,I could not have both. I do believe that my lawyer did not try her hardest to fight for me because she knew to fight would of taken longer and if she did that I would not be able to pay her,as it was I paid her a total of about 20thousand dollars,now keep in mind I went into this D broke. My paycheck always went to pay the bills while the X went to secret accounts and for him to buy his toys,HD motorcycle,new cars etc. So in order for me to even retain my lawyer I had to get a personal loan and just keep taking more out of that to keep paying her.
When my lawyer told me why I could not get permanent alimony I asked her what am I suppose to do in 10years when the alimony stops? her answer was for me to try and see if I could get money from my retirement from where I work, I did look into that and if I borrow money against that before I am of retirement age I will get a whopping $185/month. thats it.
I have talked to a financial person and told him of my situation,that in 10years my alimony will stop ,so he is going to work with me to take the money I am getting from the X s 401k and make that money work for me so when 10years rolls around I have some money to survive and keep the house until I can start to collect social security.
I did read somewhere that even if your D, when your X turns retirement age, and if you have been M for over 10years you can get money from his social security. Don't know if this is true but I think I read if from a Social Security site.
If the X was also suffering financially I would not feel so bad,but knowing his and his g/f are looking at houses that cost over $300 thousand dollars just frosts my a**.
i too was married to an alcoholic, a functioning one for approximately 15 out of our 20 years of marriage. the last 5 years, useless.
anyway, good luck with custody. last friday i was awarded sole custody of our children, primarily because stbx did not show up for two court dates, but most importantly because he is an alcoholic.
i am 40, and worry to that i will end up alone as well. i honestly believe that i would be better off alone than married until "death due us part" to an alcoholic.
enough is enough. the kids are more important than anything. good luck to you
We're definitely in similar situations. Unless you live with them, you just don't see the full impact of what they do.
I had a sad day yesterday. Dd#1 had a counseling session and during the session she talked about "hiding in her room" when her dad drinks a lot. I never realized she was doing this. I had myself convinced that his drinking wasn't THAT bad. That because his angry out bursts were directed at me they weren't really affecting the kids. That a divorce and possible split custody would be a much worse situation (still not sure on this one). But now I'm realizing that his drinking affected the kids more than I thought and I was deluding myself to think I had sheltered them from it because it was me he went after.
I'm so scared he'll get the kids half the time. Then who knows what will happen. The girls start alateen tonight. Dd's counselor says it's imperitive that they be equipped with the coping skills they'll need given the fact it's only a matter of time before he's given some kind of unsupervised visitation (no violence other than verbal towards me so I have little hope of keeping things the way they are now) and then only a matter of time before he's feeling cocky enough to resume drinking around them.
Drinking is so darned socially acceptable that this is a hard fight. I know him to be an alcoholic but he's not a falling down drunk and manages to make it into work most days. He appears to have it under control but I know it controls him.
Alateen! So, that means your girls are teenagers? Old enough to testify! I know you don't want to drag them into this, but *that* may make all the difference. If they know, see and can describe his behavior and express their wishes (i.e. I don't want to be alone with dad), then you may get what you need for them!
Seriously. If they already know and are affected by his drinking, they can tell the court or a guardian ad litem.
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The best I can find. However, I also realize this is a very tough fight. Alcohol isn't like other drugs where any use is proof. I have to prove excessive use. IMO and in the opinion of many like alanon, drinking EVERY DAY is excessive, however, he doesn't normally get drunk. Someone on one of these boards mentioned the term "functional alcoholic" and I looked it up and it fits him to a T.
In the meantime, I'm looking for alateen meetings for the kids. Dd#1's counselor says that they can help equip the girls with the coping skills they'll need if I lose this fight. Sadly, they will be turned into little narcs keeping tabs on daddy's drinking if I lose and I could. Our marriage counselor says that usually they get caught but he's seen two cases where he knew the guy was an alcoholic but he won custody anyway.
<<<>>>
The alone part scares me but, like you, I was married to a man who never loved me. I was a convenience item. When we married, he was looking for an aupair not a wife but I was too young and didn't realize that. Later, I went to college and earned enough money that I was still convenient to have around. He's divorcing me now because I was planning on taking a 50% pay cut to go into teaching. Apparently, I'm not worth putting up with on a teacher's salary (insert rolling eye icon here). He's going after custody of our kids so I have to pay him child support. I'm going after custody because he drinks too much. It's going to get ugly. Very ugly.
I'm almost 48 and resolved to spending the rest of my life alone but I plan on making it a busy life. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I'll keep busy.
How incredibly scarey. Oh, I hope you can make your case! I hope you can protect your children. I will say a prayer!
M
I face a similar challenge with my stbx. His issues aren't easily perceived because every one has them to some degree, just not to his degree. So, it is hard to get people to understand the magnitude or impact of the challenge (I don't want to be too specific; not sure who might be looking over my shoulder on a public message board).
I have been advised by the child psych that I talk with not to make a big deal of it because it might trigger a full child-custody eval, but I gotta protect my kids. Not sure what to do at this point.
GL to you. Stay around and share and continue to get support!
M
Hi ny
Sadly I did not get any of his pension,all I did get was a lump sum out of his 401K. I was told I could try and get some of his pension OR get X amount of years of alimony,I could not have both. I do believe that my lawyer did not try her hardest to fight for me because she knew to fight would of taken longer and if she did that I would not be able to pay her,as it was I paid her a total of about 20thousand dollars,now keep in mind I went into this D broke. My paycheck always went to pay the bills while the X went to secret accounts and for him to buy his toys,HD motorcycle,new cars etc. So in order for me to even retain my lawyer I had to get a personal loan and just keep taking more out of that to keep paying her.
When my lawyer told me why I could not get permanent alimony I asked her what am I suppose to do in 10years when the alimony stops? her answer was for me to try and see if I could get money from my retirement from where I work, I did look into that and if I borrow money against that before I am of retirement age I will get a whopping $185/month. thats it.
I have talked to a financial person and told him of my situation,that in 10years my alimony will stop ,so he is going to work with me to take the money I am getting from the X s 401k and make that money work for me so when 10years rolls around I have some money to survive and keep the house until I can start to collect social security.
I did read somewhere that even if your D, when your X turns retirement age, and if you have been M for over 10years you can get money from his social security. Don't know if this is true but I think I read if from a Social Security site.
If the X was also suffering financially I would not feel so bad,but knowing his and his g/f are looking at houses that cost over $300 thousand dollars just frosts my a**.
gr8
i too was married to an alcoholic, a functioning one for approximately 15 out of our 20 years of marriage. the last 5 years, useless.
anyway, good luck with custody. last friday i was awarded sole custody of our children, primarily because stbx did not show up for two court dates, but most importantly because he is an alcoholic.
i am 40, and worry to that i will end up alone as well. i honestly believe that i would be better off alone than married until "death due us part" to an alcoholic.
enough is enough. the kids are more important than anything. good luck to you
what
We're definitely in similar situations. Unless you live with them, you just don't see the full impact of what they do.
I had a sad day yesterday. Dd#1 had a counseling session and during the session she talked about "hiding in her room" when her dad drinks a lot. I never realized she was doing this. I had myself convinced that his drinking wasn't THAT bad. That because his angry out bursts were directed at me they weren't really affecting the kids. That a divorce and possible split custody would be a much worse situation (still not sure on this one). But now I'm realizing that his drinking affected the kids more than I thought and I was deluding myself to think I had sheltered them from it because it was me he went after.
I'm so scared he'll get the kids half the time. Then who knows what will happen. The girls start alateen tonight. Dd's counselor says it's imperitive that they be equipped with the coping skills they'll need given the fact it's only a matter of time before he's given some kind of unsupervised visitation (no violence other than verbal towards me so I have little hope of keeping things the way they are now) and then only a matter of time before he's feeling cocky enough to resume drinking around them.
Drinking is so darned socially acceptable that this is a hard fight. I know him to be an alcoholic but he's not a falling down drunk and manages to make it into work most days. He appears to have it under control but I know it controls him.
Alateen! So, that means your girls are teenagers? Old enough to testify! I know you don't want to drag them into this, but *that* may make all the difference. If they know, see and can describe his behavior and express their wishes (i.e. I don't want to be alone with dad), then you may get what you need for them!
Seriously. If they already know and are affected by his drinking, they can tell the court or a guardian ad litem.
Talk to your lawyer about this.
M
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