Has your divorce...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2005
Has your divorce...
57
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:16am

changed you for the better of for worse?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 4:55pm

No, they're at 9 and 11. 9 is the youngest they can attend meetings. I really don't want them to testify. Regardless of anything that happens, that's telling on dad and that just isn't a good thing.

They are more affected by his drinking that I had even realized. Dd#1's fear of her father is coming out in counseling. Unfortunately, she can't tell him that. To his face, she tells him what he wants to hear.

I got some really bad news today. Seems stbxh's mother and brother who both have money have promised him a "blank check" in fighting me for custody. What is wrong with people that they can't do what's right for the kids. Poor stbxh's RIGHTs are being violated in their opinoin.

This is going to be so ugly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 5:49pm

I am so so sorry. If it is going to be ugly, then you need to use the system also. Ask your lawyer if a guardian ad litem would be a good thing. Maybe you even need to go the full child custody eval route -- if that is what it takes to protect your kids. They don't need to tell their dad what they see/feel--just the folks there to protect them (GAL and investigators).

Check with your lawyer.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 9:40pm

It is going to be ugly. Appearances are important to stbxh. So is not paying child support. He wants to make sure I get as little as possible. I don't care about child support. I just want my kids on terms that allow me to prevent him from having them when he's drinking.

What is guardian ad litem? And what is the full custody eval route? I am asking for full custody on the grounds he's an alcoholic and an uninvolved father. I'm even using his original custody arrangement against him as proof he doesn't intend to be involved post divorce either. His original arrangement was that he gets the kids on school nights because he lives closer to the school and I get them on the weekend but I would still pick them up from school, do homework with them and run them around to all their activities and we'd call it split custody and I'd pay him child support because I make more than he does. Somehow, doing nothing for the kids except putting them to bed at night and getting them off to school five days a week doesn't seem like 50/50 parenting. It sounds like I do all the work and he provides beds 5 nights a week.

It is so sad that I know he doesn't really want the kids or to be an involved father. He has to make it look like he's the good dad to keep up appearances and he is not about to pay me a dime. Unfortunately, me getting full custody means he would be ordered to pay child support, which I may need since it's his plan to tie this up in court using his mom and brother's money until I'm broke. I am so angry that his mom and brother have pledged a blank check to fight me. They've both seen him drinking and know how ugly he is. All that matters though is HIS rights to his kids. Never mind what's best for them.

I'm disheartened today. I don't know if I can fight money and my kids lose if I don't win.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:05pm

I would ask your lawyer about a guardian ad litem -- it is a third party, sometimes a mental healthy professional, assigned by the court to look out for your children's best interests. A child-custody evaluation can be requested by you or ordered by the court -- they do in-depth studies of the family; meet with each of you separately and together, also the children; they observe both of you in your homes; they interview friends and family (I believe)-- they try to get a full and true picture of the family and the parental relationships with the children in order to determine the best plan for the children. I have been told it can cost as much as $60,000 which is why the child psych I have been talking to keeps saying "don't go there."

I am so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. My heart hurts for your family and other the others so sadly impacted here.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 4:09am
I'm sure his mom's "Blank check" won't be used to pay for that. That might show her baby to be the alcoholic he is. Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of money. I'm just going to have to keep praying that the substance abuse expert can prove what I know, that he's an alcoholic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 10:05am
I won't be so lucky. STBX is so motivated to avoid paying me a cent in child support he'll show up for every court hearing. He claims he's not an alcoholic that he just likes to drink. It's not going to be easy to prove alcoholism with him. He holds down a job and appears normal to those outside of this house. However, he turns ugly when he drinks. My kids are probably going to end up having to testify against him. I wish I could avoid that. Alcoholic or not, he's their dad and they shouldn't have to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 11:38am

All told, better.

I jumped right into a relationship not knowing what I was doing immediately after I separated from my Ex-H. I left my H not really knowing what I was doing, looking for greener grass quite honestly. I spent a lot of time after the divorce and after the breakup of my Ex-BF after that regretting and second-guessing breaking up my family.

I still wonder if I did the right thing, but it's history now. It's only been a couple of years since then but I'm learning to let go. I could drive myself insane picking it apart, now the best thing is to move forward and learn from my mistakes.

I still enjoy my children, my Ex and I are civil toward each other, and the kids seem to have adjusted. I've become more independent and have been able to do things my Ex never wanted to. I already put it in other threads, but I recently got a tattoo that I think is symbolic of my new life and an expression of my independence.

Finally, I'm settling into a new relationship with a wonderful, gorgeous man who is a good friend and an incredible lover. I didn't think I would let it happen but I think the scars from the divorce are fading.

I tried to hide my heart but I can't. I'm very lucky and I hope others on this board can some day be so lucky. It really does take a leap of faith and patience and honesty.

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