Hate my ex-wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Hate my ex-wife
4
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 6:06am

Sorry to any ladies ..but I hate my soon to be Ex-Wife

She insist to getting the divorce. We had our share of problems..particularly in the communication department, the sharing of feelings with each other....In dealing with her emotional affairs took a huge toll on me...

I am starting to realize and understand my part of what I did wrong or did not do at all during our 18 years of marriage. One of the matters had to do with my parents, mom passed on when I was about 9...and even so..all I remember is my father cheating on mom, and was never at home. I never thought much of how it contributed to my coldness of not showing affection to the ex...not able to absorb her needs of the emotional yearning she longed for. The need to hear her needs, cause she too came from a broken family and was betrayed by her ex-boyfriend prior to us meeting. But for the longest time, she was trying to convey the betrayal ...but did not outright tell me...and she confided with an ex-coworker(him-married too) and she continued an affair with him...tho she swore they did not have sex. After short seperation, she asked to work on the marriage..and even after I moved back, she continued briefly with OM. This bruised my ego and self-esteem even further. Went to marriage counselor, everytime I brought the situation about her and him..she in essence told me to go f myself..and after couple of sessions, she stopped going. I went on my own couple of more times, and that was all.

In trying to deal with such affair, I became locked for awhile...did not know how to Trust again, and forgive and accept my part of what happened. As I started to make the turn about how I felt, she met some guy online and was communicating, chatting and even talked ..until I discovered it..couple of years ago..I confronted her with it...she said..those were the feelings I wanted to share with you...I was too stupid to believe her..cause just yesterday I read some of the emails--yes I kept some of them in the event we ended like this. It said, about her talking, her thinking about him while in bed, and crap..about if I send him email to know it is from me. She then told me she was getting rid of the pre-paid cell phone...and to this day, she still has it...and all along since that day, I knew she had it..so how the crap was she suppose I felt...and how it made me not to Trust and work on the marriage. All, in the meantime..she have been going to a therapist on her own..Not a Marriage one...and have concluded that about little over two years...she ended the marriage. That she did not love me anymore. At the same time, I was fired from a job for the first time ever...so I did not really know how to deal with it..and come to think about it...did not trust how she would had reacted..so I kept it secret for few weeks...prentending to go to work...while comtempleting starting a business...Since, I did not share that idea with her..she of course told me to take a hike, and no encouragement about it..so I instead for the sake of income got another job ...while she was going to school to become a Nurse...and how convenient..she is about to graduate this coming May....Now, she really wants to give me the boot.

Now she is telling me over and over how I stopped her from living her life...that she is getting old - going to be 40. That for me to be coming around, to be working on my issues of how I treated her during our marriage...she says..good then..perhaps the next person can benefit...but I am not going back she said. I need to move on to live my life.
Of course lately she have met several men online...and started chatting with them. And recently even discovered she got a mic ...all these men I am sure..they want to listen to all her issues..Just wants to be friends as she puts it...But, then her flirting with them is just her way of being friends. What the crap...she is whacked. I understand the need to fill that void of the emotions, the need to be cared for, to be touched, to be made love to....But she thinks that guys on the internet wants a long term thing? When we have two great boys 16 & 11. I bet, she will want for me to have them over most of the times, so she can get off with them cybering or meeting them...to screw.

I am sorry to say, that when men sense how vulnarable she is...she will be a easy target for them. Surely, they will tell her how beautiful, smart, funny and all that stuff to boost her up..tho when I compliment her..she is cold about it. And she tells, are you saying that when they tell me ...they are lying? Wow.

She refuses now to go to marriage counseling...tho thru all these years..she been going to her therapist to deal with her panic and anxiety attacks. Now, I am the one needing the Zoloft, Paxil. Who cares about dwindling sex drive...Like have one anyways..grrrr.
We never went to group therapy...I found on the internet a boot camp sorts of for marriages on the brink of divorce...but she totally refuses to go..since according to her...she does not love me anymore...and of course as long as others on the cyber craps keep on feeding her all that junk....the outside influences..she will totally convince that is what is exciting now...and build those so called relationships.

I still care so so much about her...I will hate myself even more, if she gets hurt..not only emotionally , but physically and gets abused by other men..Cause, I know that with knowing what I know now...and working thru myself and confronting my demons...I know that I am capable of sharing so much with her...and embrace her needs, her dreams.

Once, the point of return is crossed...there is not coming back. Once she decides to meet any of those online men..and end up having sex...and if she finds that indeed all that is fantasy...and recognizes how I changed....I will not be able to take her back....

Well...sorry for such lengthy post...And I know these boards are mainly for you ladies...but I needed to find a place to vent...and from reading much of what is shared in here...broken hears, and relations goes both ways...there are not escaping to either genders.

Good wishes to all with your Journeys!!!!

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: simo64
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:12am

Hi Rob.... vent away with us any time.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: simo64
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 1:40pm
Rob if it makes you feel any better I hate my ex husband for leaving me, but I don't hate the man just what he did. Like you I want/wanted our relationship to work out. He is done with our relationship and even though he isn't seeing anyone else I doubt he will ever come home. My ex did just what you did ( shut himself off) and I tried for years to fix it. I hadn't given up hope. He did. He blames me for everything. I even went into counseling because he had me convinced that the problem was soley me. This board is not just for ladies so come around and vent anytime. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: simo64
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 7:43pm

Rob, thank you for sharing your point of view. I think the communication gap must be a big one for men and women. I am having that problem with my ex. I would like to believe that could be fixed, but there are other things in our marriage that I'm not sure we could get around.


Sometimes I want to hate him for dashing my dreams. But I can't hate him. I didn't think I loved him that much, but I guess I do. I thought it would be easy when I decided to make him leave. But it isn't.


It must be hard for you on the other side to want to work on the relationship now that you've had somewhat of an awakening. I wonder if that's how my husband is feeling. He wants to work on our relationship. I don't know if I can.


I'm so glad you posted. It is so hard to step into the other person's shoes. All sides of the struggle are needed. I'm new to this board, but I say Post/Vent any time. :)


Felicia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
In reply to: simo64
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 8:17pm

Rob, I have been seperated for 13 months, and I still stupidly held on for him to let me come home. I say stupidly because he said, "

Stephanie