Hate the weekends - get me going!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Hate the weekends - get me going!!!
12
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 10:08am

Me and more of my venting! I hate the weekends, it seems. I seem to take DD and make any excuse not to be home when he's home. When he's away on travel during the week, the house seems peaceful. The house is a mess and he gets all pissy because of that and having to do some chores himself, and I get depressed and don't care anymore. He's always so pissed at everything. I just want to smack him sometimes, which I know is definitely not good.

I daydream about my own place all the time. I don't know why I'm stalling, because it's certainly not out of wondering if I have loving feelings towards him. I guess it's worrying that there is something wrong with me that I need to change or he will change. But at this point I just want him gone. With a 3 yo DD, I worry that my feelings aren't valid and should change.

Last week we had to sign paperwork for a HELOC (home equity line of credit) and I was told that we needed to open up a savings account in my name for some reason. I was hoping it was a sign that he was leaving, but it was just a requirement of the credit union (he's a joint owner on the account, and the other savings account is in his name first, with me as joint owner). So after he never said anything like "I'm leaving," I got depressed again.

How did you guys get going? Did you tell your spouse that you wanted to separate, did you move out first or did you file first? I'm just trying to figure out what to do. I feel like that stupid HELOC has me trapped for some reason, but it may be a good thing in order to pay off joint debt. All I know is that I can't stand him anymore and secretly wish sometimes that he would get hit by a bus, but then I feel guilty.

Thanks for any input and suggestions. Thanks again for hearing me vent. :(

ETA - anyone who has read my previous posts knows what a piece of work my H is - probably cheating/has cheated (but no concrete proof yet, darn it!), emotionally abusive, possibly physically abusive, tons of porn on the computers and DVDs and sees nothing wrong with it, etc. I've been in IC for years and am taking two anti-dep., but still feel depressed mostly, especially on the weekends. Still I wonder if I need to do something - he certainly won't do anything even if it's suggested (IC, MC, etc.).




Edited 9/6/2006 10:23 am ET by crafty1985

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 10:27am

you wrote:

I daydream about my own place all the time. I don't know why I'm stalling, because it's certainly not out of wondering if I have loving feelings towards him. I guess it's worrying that there is something wrong with me that I need to change or he will change.

I feel the same way. I've dreamed about having my own place for awhile now, but still have yet to do anything about it.I wonder too if my H will change.I think we just hate the whole idea of losing the dream of a family maybe.
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 11:32am

I don't know if mine is losing the idea of a family, except where DD is concerned - that's what bothers me, that I'm giving up on him when I shouldn't because of her. But he seemed to give up on me years ago but didn't have the guts to tell me, so he has passively aggressively driven me away so that I'll be the bad guy. I hate that he and his family always seem to get their way and win while running over the rest of us. I guess the kharma bus will be getting them soon. They are so narcissistic and judge the rest of us and say insidious comments to the rest of us that really hurt and eat at you after a while. Yet, they see nothing wrong with it - you tell H that he said something that hurt, he either dismisses it or laughs it off, like I'm crazy or something.

I don't think DD needs to see me so miserable with such a narcissistic porn addicted possibly cheating jerk. Yet, I still wonder if I'm to blame for his behavior, but then think that's ridiculous. I meet with my IC this Friday after months of her being off on medical leave, and I always feel combative meeting with her - she tries to tell me that he is "just depressed." I guess I haven't been honest with her, just saying what I think I should be saying rather than what I really am thinking (that I can't stand him anymore and wonder when that bus will come by).

ETA - And I also didn't mention to my IC before about the finger shaped bruises on DD's arm that I swear were H's doing. I always complain that he's being too rough with DD and the dogs, and that time I saw the bruises and told him it was probably from him grabbing her too roughly, and later on or the next day, when my family was over, he had to say loudly in front of them, "my WIFE accused me of child abuse!" Jerk.




Edited 9/6/2006 11:39 am ET by crafty1985
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 11:43am

"I don't think DD needs to see me so miserable with such a narcissistic porn addicted possibly cheating jerk."

You're right about that. I don't think you're giving up on him because he's given up on you awhile ago.

"Yet, I still wonder if I'm to blame for his behavior, but then think that's ridiculous."

Remind yourself that it is ridiculous. You can't control his abusive behavior. And maybe you're IC isn't getting the whole picture if she's saying he's "just depressed" What the!

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 12:06pm

Thanks! I wonder if I'm being overly dramatic sometimes and making stuff up, but I really think it's the opposite - I've minimized or rationalized a lot over the years, and an outside observer looking in would be shocked at what I have put up with these last few years.

Me thinking, well that's just the way men are, they are very irritated with kids and messy houses and looking at porn is normal. Yeah, if he looked at it once in a while, no biggie, but he's got tons of downloads arranged by porn stars' names on one computer, and he had the nerve to let DD play a toddler computer game on that same computer! When I told him I didn't want her playing a game on that computer "with all that crap on there," he said "that's why I put a different log in for me." Funny, I came across that stuff just moving the mouse and disabling the screen saver, and there it all was. Ten minutes later, after DD and I had left after that exchange, I called home because we forgot something and was asking him to bring it to us, and the phone line was busy. That computer is a dial up modem only, and that's basically what he uses it for, looking at internet porn, so I am pretty sure he was doing that, as if to say "you can't tell me what to do!!"

Here's my post from the domestic abuse board:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=26176.1&x=y

Why can't I allow myself to just go? I would take DD and the dogs with me, but I know I don't want to get hit with "abandonment." I've been eyeing the spare bedroom - taking his stuff out of there and moving myself in until I can get my own place. He should move out! Good luck trying to get him to do that - nothing he does is wrong, in his mind, so he should have all of the benefits. Spineless jerk.




Edited 9/6/2006 12:39 pm ET by crafty1985
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 12:56pm

Argh! The most important thing I have to say is go talk to a lawyer, not a counselor! You can talk to as many lawyers as you want for an hour for free, just find them and ask questions. That is what I did before I kicked my STBX out. I DID have proof he was cheating, knew he was a porn addict and after years of this, told him to leave. He didn't balk, and was packed and gone in 20 minutes--he had expressed how unhappy he was before but the most recent cheating episode was the last straw and my five year old deserves better. So does your three year old.

Go into a lawyers office with a list of questions like, who pays for what? What are my rights? How much child support/spousal support will I get? How do I figure out custody? It's a start and it will help you get some badly needed self-esteem when you watch yourself taking care of business. You will need all your (and your husbands) financial income info and how much all of your debts are, how much your house (and other assets) was worth when you both moved in and how much it is worth now. And if I were you, I wouldn't tell your husband if you can avoid it, unless you think it will help. But most likely he will become defensive or apologetic.

I can tell by your husband's behavior that you are going to have to take this on yourself, full steam ahead, from start to finish (what I am doing). Be prepared to lose his family, any love and support you ever had from them and prepare your family and friends for it so you can have support from them instead.

Good luck!
Robin in California

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 1:16pm

Thanks! I've already had a free consultation with a lawyer and took a lot of notes. Just wondering if I should go to him first to get the paperwork started or tell H that I want out and then go to the lawyer, or get that apartment set up and then tell H I want out and then go to the lawyer. ????

I'm not bothered by losing his family, except my SIL (believe me, she's suffering with MIL right now) and nephews and niece. His extended family has been nice, but they are several hours away anyway. I don't want to deny them DD, though, unless they do something truly heinous. H is going to be denied if he doesn't watch out with the bad stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 1:32pm

This may not help, but this is what I did: I inherited the house but put STBX's name on it to get it remodeled two years ago and then we decided to sell it a few months before I told him to leave. When I kicked him out, I told him that he had to sign a quit claim to the house or I wasn't going to sell it (I can't afford it, but since I inherited it, I refuse to give him any money from it). He did sign it and now I am selling. When I told him to leave, he stayed in a hotel by himself for a couple of weeks before he rented his own apartment. After the house is sold I am going to rent a place for my son and I.

Were I in your shoes, I would tell him you want out of the marriage first and then you both determine who will go where and when you will separate. If you both own the home, don't be the one to leave it first! Stay in it until you both have agreed what will happen to the house itself (will you want to live in it with the children, will you both prefer to sell it and split the cash, stuff like that).

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 1:42pm
That's what I was thinking - as much as I want to get away from him, I don't want to leave the house and set myself up for less than favorable results. I wish he'd move to the basement - it's got its own entrance and amenities and his major stuff is down there. He's been doing some work to it within the last year - wondering if he is moving down there. Fingers crossed!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 2:18pm

OK... you said it.... he gets pissy.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 2:39pm

I've been wanting to say it for a long time now. I almost did one time, and then DD came downstairs from her bedroom and interrupted before I could say anything. It's mostly impossible for me to deal with him - he has this way of making me feel bad about myself, because I just have a hard time seeing myself as normal anyway, always feeling bad for being disorganized. My IC says I have to stand up to him, but he trivializes it when I do say what I'm feeling and how I'm hurt, blah, blah, blah. It's like he doesn't take me seriously, like I'm the child and he's the parent. That's the way it feels like in my house. He's even said that, that he felt like he was living with two toddlers and expressed no remorse when I said that comment hurt me. I feel like I don't even have the right to stand up, I feel so bad about my disorganized self and my inability to keep a neat house. But I think his expectations are way out of whack due to what he grew up with, a mom who was emotionally distant but did all kinds of housework and stuff to keep up appearances. I don't want to be like that.

I should start moving my stuff out of the basement and suggest he move down there. He seems to already be "practicing" for living down there.

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