Have a rough day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Have a rough day.
8
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 7:25pm

It's been a really crappy day. I posted earlier that I'm in a completely loveless, emotionally abusive marriage which I've wanted to get out of for nearly four and a half years. Last weekend I called my husband at work and told him I was tired of being alone all the time with no one to talk to. He went ballistic because I brought this up to him while he was at work (which is understandable but this is an age old argument about my being lonely). He's been a total jerk all week with a nasty attitude and just saying mean things and I've been trying to just avoid him so I don't get yelled at anymore. He sent me a text message saying things are back to normal (the distance and arguing that's plagued the marriage since the second week). I called him to explain I was just trying to avoid a fight and he lit into me. As always, I cowered down and told him I should have waited til he got home to talk it out.

I'm so sick of arguing and not having anyone to even talk about my day to that I called him later in the day and told him I wanted to quit fighting so we could get along....just so I wouldn't feel lonely anymore. I'm sick of it! All I want is to find the courage to tell him I'm done! I deserve someone who wants to spend time with me and will appreciate me for who I am but I'm so scared to leave and be totally alone. How do you find the confidence and courage to just end it? What's the key to standing my ground and saying I don't want to be treated like a piece of crap anymore? Just because I'm a female doesn't mean he can treat me like I'm beneath him! I believe it in my heart, but I can't seem to keep the strength to stand my ground to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 9:12am
First, let me say that I am VERY pro marriage and believe that a couple should go to counseling and exhaust all possibilities before splitting. However, very often (and it is usually the man) one of the partners refuses to try/change so then there is just no choice. I don't know what you guys have tried or done or if he would even be willing. That being said...you said you need the courage to leave because of fear of being alone. Aren't you already alone? Only now you deal with the emotions of being alone AND having to walk on eggshells in your own home. My best suggestions (and they helped me tremedously) are to see a counselor and start looking for your own social circle. The counselor can help you sort out your feelings and really take a look at everything. Look for social groups through church, volunteer work, ANYWHERE. If you surround yourself with friends, you won't be alone after a divorce. Good Luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 11:42am
Thanks for the insight. You're right, all I'm getting from him now is help with the bills. Other than volunteering through church groups...any other ideas on organizations who have groups like this? I can't even think I'm in such a rut right now. I don't have any children so I would assume school groups are out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 12:29pm

I don't know where you live or what your intersts are but in my neighborhood we have a cycling club, a bunco club and a jogging club. I socialize with my college sorority alum group (and I knew NO ONE when I first went). You can call hospitals, Red Cross, Salvation Army etc and ask about volunteer opportunities. Many churches have divorce support groups. There are countless opportunities to get out there. The good thing about volunteering is you take the focus off of "poor pitiful me" and really get the chance to put it all in perspective. Yes, I am divorcing this year and no, it isn't what I wanted for my life. HOWEVER, I still live better than most people on this earth. I live in a free country and while it isn't perfect, it's pretty darn good. My children and I don't wonder where our next meal will come from. I have many things to be grateful for. It is perfectly normal (and necessary) to go through the stages of grief and process them but I find that living in gratitude really helps me deal with this as well as all adversity in my life. Good luck. I hope you find some groups that really bring pleasure to you.

kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 1:48pm

Kimberly,

Just wanted to thank you for the way in which you write your posts...always, always I get something encouraging and truthful from your writing! Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 8:15pm

WOW, thank you for writing that. It made my day and you made my gratitude list!!!LOL!!

thanks,
kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 8:19pm
Actually, you can probably still volunteer at a school! Just call around and ask what they need help with. You'll have to fill out a form and have a background check but then you can help kids that are struggling with reading, be a mentor AND meet all of the other teachers. Also, have you ever considered being a girl scout leader? Many newpapers will have a section in them that lists volunteer opportunities. At any rate, instead of only looking at this as an end...look at it as a beginning!!! Who knows what wonderful experiences are waiting for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 9:35pm

I've suggested counseling and he's completely against it. I went by myself for a while but it just didn't seem to make a difference. (I plan to go again after I move out)

Today was a great day thanks to your advice! I actually feel there is hope that I do possess the strength to do what it takes to get out. Today is the first day I haven't felt like cowering down and calling him because I'm lonely. He's totally freaking out and trying to play mind games with me which in the past have worked every time because of my fear of being alone. Your right, I am alone even with him. I kept thinking how wonderful it would be to go through the day not having to worry about having my cell phone beside every where I went. Today I didn't worry about saying the wrong thing or making sure I checked in no matter where I went and it felt GREAT! No more eggshells. This is MY life and I deserve to be happy and not let some woman-hating, self-hating man ruin it!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:26am

That is absolutely wonderful. When you do feel like breaking down and calling, just remind yourself that you deserve a life of happiness. You DESERVE to be treated with kindness and respect.

I think the fear of being alone stops many of us from leaving. I'll bet you'll see as you start to feel increasingly better about yourself, people will gravitate toward you. That tends to happen when you're not dragging around the weight of a miserable marriage every day. You're making amazing progress!