haven't see this here--church scandal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
haven't see this here--church scandal
11
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:44am
I have lurked at these boards for a long time now and have done extensive search on my situaion. Sadly I have found nothing. This is my story: I am the wife of a minister/preacher/pastor. My husband has been in the ministry for 8 yrs now and I am at the end of my rope. I just don't know HOW to get out without it causing a huge stink for me and my kids. They don't like it that daddy's a minister either. He does have a regular job also. I know that my husband knows I am miserable but he just doesn't respond at all. This is our fourth church and the first one was okay, the second one not so great and the third--NIGHTMARE!!! Now we are at the fourth. I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this. I am so miserable I can barely function. Please help me to help myself out of this. My kids hate going to this church, but not sure if that will justify the divorce. I am planning to leave after Christmas--HOW do I tell my kids that I want a divorce from their father?? My husband is NOT the same person out of the pulpit as he is in the pulpit. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do it is just meaningless and platonic. I know without any doubt that I DO NOT love him. I just don't know how to get out of this without a huge mess. I know everyone will talk. I don't want to put my kids through anymore than they need but, people I am so miserable right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:52pm
Bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:50pm

It sounds like things are stressed... and your husband should know what the "health" of the marriage is.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 10:03pm

Hi Pwin,

I am familiar with your position as I am the wife of a Christian theologian. It's not an easy role to fill, and more so difficult when you are the pastor's wife. People have a lot of unrealistic expectations of you and your children they don't impose on anyone else.
So pastoral marriages often suffer stresses couples not employed in the ministry don't experience.

You sound very stressed and anxious. While you don't say why your husband has changed churches so frequently, it would reek havoc on any marriage to have a spouse change employers so frequently. Your place in this picture as his wife is doubly stressful for the reasons I mention above, plus, you have all the usual stresses of raising children, perhaps working outside the home, and caring for a household.

Very often pastor's get so caught up in their job of caring for others they forget their responsibility to care for their own families. You are not alone in this. It happens more often than you think. The good news is you can survive it and get help to deal with it.

Is your husband employed by a denomination or is he "freelance?" If you are associated with a denomination it is possible you have access to support systems through the church. You can research this on the internet and make inquiries (anonymously) to see if you can find someone to talk to about your situation. I also encourage you to find a qualified marriage counselor to talk with. It doesn't have to be a person affiliated with your church denomination and you will be more comfortable seeking their advice.

There's several good sources of information on the topic of pastoral marriages. There's also several good books out there on the subject. One is called "Clergy Couples in Crisis: The impact of stress on pastoral marriages." by Dean Merrill. It's available used on Amazon.com.

I'd also encourage you to visit The Marble Retreat at www.marbleretreat.org. This page features information and resources for pastoral couples, including reading, retreats, and other information.

Finally, I'd urge you to find a couple that has been through Marriage Savers at www.marriagesavers.org. This program trains long-timed married people to mentor other couples through the tough times. It's church-based but don't let that scare you. You can contact another church that sponsors the program and be put in touch with a Marriage Saver team.

Divorce may sound like the best option and sometimes its unavoidable. But I'd encourage you first to talk with a marriage counselor (solo) so you can get some tools to help you communicate your unhappiness to your husband. Very often pastors are blind to their own families needs and sometimes it takes some confrontation to bring it to their attention. The best person to advise you how to do that is a trained marriage counselor.

In the meantime, its important you try to talk with your husband and bring his attention back to his family. He might not "get it" for all the reasons I stated above. What he doesn't know is losing his family is far worse than losing a church.

Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 4:14pm
My husband will not consider counseling again. We went to one session and it was a disaster. He made it clear to the counselor that HE did not need counseling but I did. I went without him some, but I got the cold shoulder for going to see "the voodoo doctor" and so I stopped going. My kids have said to me that they wished the daddy at church was the same daddy at church, they have said that they have learned to wait until at church to ask for anything debatable (money, friends staying over, going out to eat,etc.....) Our last church knew that our homelife was in shambles and that is why they asked him to leave, they knew things were horrible and he had become a dictator instead of a pastor. He laid down the law to the elders and deacons and they booted him. He never thought it would happen, he had bragged alot that the church would fold without him. Now he is even worse, determined that this other church see him and his new church thriving. I will be honest, I do all I can to miss church. My kids are so unhappy about going there. He is a great preacher, he is just a terrible husband. He preaches alot of revivals and it seems the ego cannot get any bigger! I just want out. I thought after the last church and what that did to his ego and pride that it would be better, but it is worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:43pm

Hi Pwin,


I'm so sorry about your situation. Your last church really copped out on a basic tenant: meeting people at their point of need. sounds like they can't tolerate an "imperfect" pastor and pastor family. I, personally, think they could have come alongside your family and helped you. Your husband has clearly forgotten who he's working for i.e. not himself. How sad that his ego has gotten so large that he can't see the forest for the tree.


My advice is practical. You'll need to get legal advice and determine your rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce. So, consult an experienced divorce attorney, someone who has a lot of experience in divorce. Second, you'll need to construct an inventory of your financial picture: debts, loans, investments, savings, etc. Make sure you get and keep copies of bank statements, loans, insurance policies, etc. You'll also want your and your children's birth certificates or copies, plus any other information about your financial and legal obligations.


If you fear your husband may be violent or become abusive, don't hesitate to contact a local domestic violence shelter hotline for help and advice. It can be important to have a backup plan in place.


Finally, do your best to "solider on" in the few weeks. You'll find it difficult to keep going but if you have a plan in place it will be slightly easier than just fleeing.


Good luck and and let us know how you are doing.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:28am

What your husband has is a common

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 3:09pm
Thanks soooo much for the replies. NOBODY could possibly understand what I am going/been through unless they have been here. I have a few friends that live away from me who are preacher's wives, and they understand but they are in the same shape I am in. People just cannot know the stress of being in the ministry. It is just unreal. I feel so trapped. I know that it will be a HUGE stink when I do leave. Being totally honest--I don't want to battle or try to work it out--I just want it to be over. I am content to live alone and raise my kids. I will stay in this town for as long as possible until school is out and then I would like to move to another town nearby so as to avoid all the yah-yah that will surely follow me. Before we came to this church, when we were at our former church, his ego had just grown to unreal proportions, he was physically abusive to me. It is so crazy--what I used to think was physical abuse regarding others, didn't apply to me. I guess I was in denial. It is still hard to say it to myself even. I mean--I had bruises on my arms and back and once he threw a glass of cold water in my face and then dragged me to the floor by my hair to wipe it up! (And I still did not think I was being abused!) He claims it was because of all the stress he was under. I am almost to the point now though, I don't care WHAT other people say--I am ready to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 4:15pm

I don't care WHAT other people say--I am ready to go.


Then that is what time it is.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:37am
I hope you are right about thriving and having life after divorce. I am sure what I am going to do will rock this little town on its ear--and that is the last thing I want. I don't want to destroy anyone--not even him because going after him would be to painful for my kiddies--I don't want that for them--I just want it to be over. Thanks again--SO much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 10:18am

Your Kid will not be hurt, they will mostly be happy cause they don't have

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