having a bad day

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
having a bad day
12
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:11pm

I just got a call from my lawyers office that a "large" package has been delivered from my stbx lawyer's office. Right away my stomach was in knots.

I have had to suspend visitation until we get into court because of the "antic's" of my stbx & gf (ie. 'necking' in front of the kids, gf undressed in front of ds). He refuses to get separate bedroom for the 2 of them.

Whenever I hear something from his lawyer I get sooo sad about the kid's relationship with their dad. He claims he is making $50,000 less than he made when we were together.
In Canada it is no fault divorce so the child support is on a "table". This brings child support waaayy down. He has sent me his "schedule" for the next 6 mos. He is unavailable for some of "his" weekends so he will not see the kids for another 5 weeks. He has "offered" to take the kids on "my" weekends (because his gf will be working so no lost time with her) I refused as I work every other weekend so it is my precious time with them.

I called him today, haven't talked to him in about 3 weeks. I just started spouting off about how he is not taking responsibility for his children. It just gets back to the same thing...he tells me how he is so "proud" of me that I am self-sufficient, that I am taking responsibilities, because when we were together I never "did anything". He wanted me to stay home & raise the children but resented me for having to come home & do "all the work". He knows how to hurt... I have always thought I was a bad mother and wife, especially now. I have always felt inadequate. I'm not really "good" at anything.
He was so condescending. Old habits die hard. I listened for a while then, after he lied too many times in the conversation I told him I was tired of listening to lies and hung up. Not before he told me that I was still in love with him & I should just "get over it".
what and arrogant s*b..

I do still love the man I married, but he is not him anymore. I don't think I have loved him for a long time...just too dependant. I really feel like I wasted 12yrs of my life, but then I look at my beautiful kids, how could I even think that?

But how do I move on from here? Just when I think I have a handle on this, I "lose" it.
Next court date is on March 9th, which happens to be the day stbx & gf move into their new house together..how nice.

Annette

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 6:25pm

Wow Annette..... You keep moving on "from here" by taking little itty bitty baby steps, just like you've been doing.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 6:58pm

Thanks Karen

I should be able to pick up the package on Wednesday, but I talked to my lawyer. She says it just contains an offer to settle and his financial statements (which are all bogus anyway)..

I should know better than to talk to him ..because there is no talking ..he puts me down and I take it....vicious cycle...but I keep coming back for more.
And then after all that, he called again (the kids answered it because I wouldn't have)
and he tells me he is changing insurance companies & maybe I should think about doing that. I made some smart-alec remark and he said "well have you even checked into it?"
I said yes, that & life insurance, mortgage, will, new vehicle....he just said oh..
he doesnt think I can do anything by myself..arggh

thanks again Karen :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 7:49pm

Annette, I know how you feel. Often, when I have to interact with my STBX, I feel like my head is going to explode! Aside from constantly calling me a litany of bad names, he knows how to push my buttons...and I let him. I KNOW it's bad, but I'm working on it, too.

And he's an idiot for saying he had to come home and do all the work. You were raising your children, and now you're self-sufficient. You should be very proud of yourself, and not pay any attention to ANYTHING negative that man says.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 8:41pm

thank you justice,

I know I shouldn't listen to him, but if you are told something enough times....
he is one habit I'm going to break!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 7:04am

"I know I shouldn't listen to him, but if you are told something enough times...."

I can give the advice, but I don't always follow it myself! ;)

I know what a number being in a bad marriage can do on your self esteem. I still REALLY struggle with mine. In my case, my STBX just never came come. He was out almost every night of the week - happy hours, poker, movies, dinners, hanging with buddies, etc. I used to think, "If I can't get my own husband to want to be with me, why could anyone else?" I felt like it was a personal failing on my behalf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 9:24am
The words in your post ring true with me. Why is it that the bad stuff is easier to believe? How many times have I wondered "If the man who promised til death do us part" and "in sickness and in health" couldn't stick around why would anyone else. I feel like I have failed at my life. How do you fix it? Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:37am

That is the hardest part to "get over" ..the feeling of failure...

When I talked to him yesterday he said he "didnt want to be 40 & acting 60"..so staying home at night, spending time with your kids..thats acting "old"..well I'll take that over him any day...

by the way Happy Valentines Day ladies!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:57am

I just LOVE how we're suddenly "no fun" when we are the ones taking care of our children and a household. But the catch-22 is, if we were out every night partying, when we'd be BAD wifes and mothers! Sometimes, you just feel like you can't win.

There's something else I don't understand. When women care for the children and the household, no one cares. That's what we're supposed to be doing (in the eyes of society). But if dad shows up for visitation and pays his child support on time, everyone is falling all over themselves to say what a great father he is. Hey...isn't that what he's SUPPOSED to be doing?

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:27am

"everyone is falling all over themselves to say what a great father he is. Hey...isn't that what he's SUPPOSED to be doing?"

I am very tired of hearing how great STBX is. In his business he works with a lot of women who were either never married to the fathers of their children or their ex's are real deadbeats. So of course they all think he's mister wonderful. - good topic for my journal vent today :). In this case, I'm not angry with STBX, I'm angry with all the women and men in our society who don't hold fathers to the same "standards" as they hold mothers to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:55pm

Its humourous that you would mention that, he said that "when I'm out with the kids people that see us think I'm a great father"...of course they do because they are great kids!

They don't see the 1-1/2 hrs he takes them out for his "visit" with the kids for the week.
Or that he has "made plans" so can't take the kids for the weekend for 5 weeks.

I know I know he will get his..what about the kids in the meantime?

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