having a bad few days

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
having a bad few days
5
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 5:01pm

My husband has been gone for over a month now. These last few days have been hard on me. It's like I take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. He was over today to visit with our 5 1/2 month old baby girl, and we were getting along good (I didn't go and talk to him, he keeps coming in the room I'm in), and now I'm even sadder than before he came. When he first got here and held the baby and was just holding her up to him and snuggling her and his eyes were closed I kept hoping and was having imaginary conversations in my head about him saying he made a mistake and wants to come home. Those imaginary conversations make it even harder. I try not to do that. I tried to keep busy, cleaning, doing laundry, ect, but they wouldn't stop playing in my head.

I still just don't understand how someone can just walk away from a 2 1/2 yr relationship, 6 month marriage, 5 month old baby, and just leave because they think they are still in love w/ their ex and move in with her after only 3 weeks of seeing her again.

I'm just having a bad few days here......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 10:56pm
Know you are not alone. I still wonder how my husband of 15years just walked away from our relationship and family. Our divorce has been finaled for nearly a year and yet I still grieve everyday for him. My ex also fell in love with another. It's a big kick in the self-esteem when someone promises till death do us part and then one day just turns his back. I would take my ex back at any moment on any day. I love him more today than the day I married him. I am so lonely. Somedays I think the lonliness and pain will kill me.
Do your best to take care of you. I wish for your fairytale to come true.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 9:17am

love4lila...

A man's perspective on your question from Pianoguy:

Men and women 'walk away' from living conditions that they feel they don't wish to address...or are basically "NO WIN SITUATIONS!" Stress and responsibility are 2 reasons why. But it's entirely possible your husband 'fell out of love' with you? .

While it would be nice to think that every partner is PERFECT, you and I both know that's not true! ALL OF US have flaws....some more obvious than others! And if those flaws bother us enough...one or both halves of a couple will become annoyed. These leads to divorce, separations or living in different areas of the same house!

Sadly...and I think this applies in your case...a few of us substitute fantasy situations or conversations to try and bring ourselves comfort? You pretty much did this when you saw your husband snuggling with your daughter. Unfortunatly, what a man might feel for an infant or a child can't always be transferred toward a spouse or g/f! There's just too much 'history' between them...and some of it isn't always happy? :(

You didn't go into reasons for your break-up, but judging from the limited time frame the 2 of you were actually 'co-habitating'...it's clear (to me anyway) that your husband wasn't ready to take on the responsibilities that are connected with marriage?

Just to let you know, there are men who can easily make a transition from being single to becoming devoted, responsible, loving husbands. There are others WHO CAN'T...or WON'T!

Try and cheer up a little, okay?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 9:14pm

I just want to add a bit of our history. We were together for 2 1/2 years (not a long time against a lifetime, I know) and were engaged for 6 months before we got pregnant). He also has an 8 yr old daughter that he has full time (mom MIA for 2 years), so he is familiar with responsibilty. But responsibility of a child and baby are different. He was not in older daughter's life until she was about 4.

I do think though that he is with his ex again because both of their kids are older and can be left with any sitter and he can go out more often and drink. The kids also don't need 24hr attention. They were both big partiers when they were together before (BIG partiers, both w/ no jobs at the time). When we started dating, I put a nix on all his nights out because he was a family man and I didn't think when you are in a relationship that you needed to still go out 3-4 nights a week. He still did go out, but it was down to once a week, a compromise I thought we both were fine with (guess I was wrong). The last few months, there was a lot of beer being drank at home. His last two weeks here, he went through a bottle of Bacardi, all by himself.

I just need to stop deluding myself that he may come home. I think if I can let go of that delusion, I will be able to heal faster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 11:18am

Mine left after 4 years together, I had JUST gotten home from a near fatal accident and he wanted to go back to his ex from high school. We have been divorce 4 months and he is talking about getting married...

I don't think I understand any better than you, but I know what you are going throguh, and as hard as it has been for me, its does get some better. The first step is accepting your situation, accept the fact that he has made this decision and there is not anything you can do about it. The more you harp on it and the longer you hope the worst it is.

You have a beautiful baby to put all this extra love into, so just concentrate you on and your baby right now.

Acceptance is the first step, then if its meant to be it will works itself out, but you cannot make it work out.

I heard DR. Phil say once that " a broken relationship can be fixed ONLY when BOTH parties WANT to fix it and can dedicate themselves to working diligently together every step of the way."

If he beleives this is what he wants, regardless of how it works out in the end, you have to respect that and accept it, because I know from experience you CANNOT make it work by yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 1:52am
I want you to know that I am experiencing the same thing right now. My husband and I were having problems (due to some psychological issues of his). We were only married one year, which is why I stuck with him - to be his support through the counseling, etc. All of a sudden, 6 weeks ago, he said that he wanted a divorce. I was completely hurt! After all that I had went through! Well, anyway, we had a very quick divorce and it was completed two weeks ago. On the day of our divorce, we decided together that if he could get help for his issues, we could have a chance at reconciling! However, I found out that he had moved on - he is on MATCH.COM and started the day when our divorce was finalized! I AM HURT AND HUMILIATED BEYOND BELIEF! All of the lies! How could he move on so fast? When will the hurt stop?