Having such a bad day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Having such a bad day...
3
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 3:30pm

Hi

I have a huge problem sometimes with talking about how I feel, and I just can't open up to anyone right now so thats why I came here- I just need to get this out.
For some reason I am such an emotional mess today. I am sitting here at work trying to get my mind off stuff but I'm on the verge of tears and its everything I can do to keep them in.
It started yesterday. I know I have to try to distance myself from my ex (husband but we're separated) but he is doing so awful right now with his drug and alcohol addictions that I still worry that something will happen to him. He calls me all the time and I know sometimes its just to worry me, but he does confide in me which I don't think he does to anyone else. The last time I spoke to him was friday when he called me crying telling me things were so bad and that now his job was in jepordy. And one thing about him is that he is a super hard worker and his job always came first. No matter what he never missed a day of work and usually worked 6 if not 7 days a week.
He phoned me Friday night but I never called him back all weekend. Then yesterday morning he phoned me but didn't leave a message. I missed the call but wondered what he wanted so I called back but his phone was off. On my lunch break I was over by his work running an errand so I stopped in to see if he was ok. He wasn't there. I was talking to one of his coworkers who I knew and he was telling me how P is doing so horrible and looks awful. He said he came in first thing in the morning and couldn't talk his voice was so raspy, then he took off. He also said he looks like he's lost 40 or 50 pounds, which is not good considering he used to be 165 when he was healthy. I knew he was doing bad, but hearing it from someone else like that was even worse and made it more of a reality. His phone was off all day yesterday and its still off today. I called his work and he didn't come in today again. I just have a really bad feeling that I can't get rid of. I literally feel sick right now. If he kills himself or overdoses- I will be devastated and I know I will be guilty cause I couldn't do anything to help him.
So last night I was home by myself and I started to unpack a few more boxes- how appropriate that I came across a box of letters and stuff from the beginning of my relationship with P. I found this letter I wrote to him about 4 years ago and I had completely forgotten about this night. I blocked the whole thing out not even realizing I had done that. He used to get so drunk and he'd get so mean to me. This letter I wrote- this one thing keeps going through my mind over and over. I wrote "I lay in bed in the dark with my eyes wide open praying you wouldn't wake up- that you wouldn't come over to me, pull the blanket off me, twist my neck, slap my face, and dig your fists into my flesh- again. My wrist is throbbing, and you hurt me so bad it was everything I did not to scream out in pain- but I didn't cause I didn't want to wake my parents up. I told you once that I wasn't scared of you- I'm not, I'm terrified of you."
I keep asking myself today why the hell I stayed with him! Why I eventually married him! How could I be so stupid??? And how could I forget what happened? I cried so much last night and I hardly slept at all.
This is all just eating me up inside and I can't talk to anyone. I have this wonderful boyfriend now and I want so badly to be able to open up to him but I highly doubt he will want to hear any of this.
And then this morning I got more bad news- my 4 month old neice who has been sick and in and out of hospitals her entire short life so far is being tested for cystic fibrosis and my sister is just devastated. They live across the country from us and I just so much want to be there to be with them right now.
This is just such a bad day. Thanks everyone for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 4:06pm

Are you seeing a therapist? This is too much for you to handle on your own. There are all kinds of things you need to work through that stem from this relationship and why you stayed in it.

My father was a drug addict (one who also always maintained a career). He killed hismelf when I was 11. One that is true of all addicts, you can't save them and their demise is nobody's fault but their own. The addict him/herself is the only one that can say enough is enough and get help. Many addicts have to hit rock bottom before they are ready for recovery, and you never know where rock bottom is. Many others have never seen rock bottom and never do recover. You can't change the course his addiction will take him on. All you can do is save yourself.

I am sorry about your niece and the pain your sister is going through. Is there a way you can plan a trip to see them soon?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 8:34am
Huge hugs to you, jikaf. I can understand feeling responsible for your ex, believe me I can, but you should not feel guilty for not being able to help your ex. He may be in a bad place emotionally right now, but you are not responsible for that nor is it your responsibility to "save" him. He is manipulating your feelings to try to make you feel sorry for him and feel like you still owe him something. Have you visited the ivillage domestic abuse boards? (I don't know how to link-maybe someone else can-but if you go to the love and sex message boards page and go to page 2 there are 2 domestic abuse boards). You may think you don't belong there, but if you check out some of the links there you may find some information that helps you better understand your ex and yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:38am

That's exactly why I love this board so much... it was a great source when I just needed shelter and objectiveness without hitting too close to home.... ya know?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~