Having "The Talk"
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| Thu, 03-24-2005 - 4:13pm |
Our talk about seperating is right around the corner, and I want to make sure everything I feel and why I feel it is communicated to my H. My problem is that I get anxious and I don't always present my self well when under pressure and I always forget to say things or they just don't come out they way I inted. I am trying to think of a resolution, and the only thing I can come up with is putting my thoughts on paper, letting him read them and then discussing. Has anyone done something like this before? My other thought is just to put some thoughts on paper and then refer to the paper as we talk.. it just seems so weird but I don't want to miss anything. Ok, can you tell that communication is one of our problems???? ugh... I hate this.
The other issue I am having is that I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for not being in love with my h anymore. I know he makes me feel like everything is my fault and I know it isn't, but I can't help but feel like it is me who is tearing the family apart. For some weird reason my H is perfectly content with being unhappy and having no intimacy in our relationship. A piece of me wishes he would initiate the seperation, so I don't feel like I am being selfish for wanthing to be happy!
Thanks for listening!

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have you thought about why you want the separation? you are unhappy being married, do you want the sep. to have time to decide to stay together or divorce?
or is it just a step to divorcing and your mind is made up?
i think you will want to address those issues too when you talk.
as far as HOW to talk. im sure people have done it all sorts of ways.
if you are separating in order to attempt to fix things it may be worth seeing a counselor together to help you work through the 'whys'
if its decided already though i think direct and honest is best. whther thats a letter or talk or whatever.
this is a hard time i know, so best of luck to you.
:)
:)
I think your talk should consist of "(his name), I'm filing for divorce."
If the two of you have failed to connect or comminucate during the marriage, what good would any kind of explanation NOW have? None. Its a complete waste of time. And what's more, it will only precipitate a nasty fight/arguement. So why subject yourself to this? The "why" of the situation is only relevant to you -- and this is no answer or explanation that will satisy him. So why subject yourself to this?
I believe its worth while to continue your thinking, and to capture it in a journal. This will help you process the emotions and thoughts you are having. And if you truely think divorce is the answer, your STBX is not part of that process.
Anything beyond "I'm divorcing you" is an utter waste your time and his. Unless you are seeking to engage him in a nasty fight during the "talk".
We ended up having a talk last night, it didn’t go exactly as I expected. I was honest with him about my feeling, I told him that I wasn’t in love with him anymore and that I didn’t see a future in our marriage. The thing that bugs me the most is that his questions back to me were all “why”. Of course I try to explain why I feel the way I do but it gets me no where. He is so freaking stubborn it is impossible to get my point across.
He insisted that I “try” to make our marriage work, that we go to marriage counseling and he thinks that we can rekindle our spark! He also threw out the “we need to try for Taylor” (Taylor is our dd). Just to shut him up because I was tired I told him that I would go to counseling, but he had to arrange everything, down to finding a babysitter, and that it needs to happen next week. Well today he says that it can’t happen next week.
Am I a bad person for not wanting to make things work, I just feel like it is a waste of time and if we try it is just putting off the inevitable.
I am just going to stash as much money in my ING account that I can for the next couple of months and be prepared for when I need to really say WE ARE DIVORCING. The worst part of all of this, the person who I am going to have to ask for some help, is my ex husband!!!
Whats your ING account? ANYTHING you have is 50% his (in most states, its 50/50). I suggesst you have a close family or freind hold your $, or put it in a safe dep box. NOTHING traceable.
& no you arent a bad person. Its sad to fall out of love, but i am sure he isnt innocent in it either. You have to be true to yourself if you really feel its not worth fighting for. But if there is any possibility your feelings CAN change, then IMHO, it is worth a shot.
Hugs
Oh, what kind of help will you have to ask your X for?
R~
R~
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