Having "The Talk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Having "The Talk"
12
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 4:13pm

Our talk about seperating is right around the corner, and I want to make sure everything I feel and why I feel it is communicated to my H. My problem is that I get anxious and I don't always present my self well when under pressure and I always forget to say things or they just don't come out they way I inted. I am trying to think of a resolution, and the only thing I can come up with is putting my thoughts on paper, letting him read them and then discussing. Has anyone done something like this before? My other thought is just to put some thoughts on paper and then refer to the paper as we talk.. it just seems so weird but I don't want to miss anything. Ok, can you tell that communication is one of our problems???? ugh... I hate this.

The other issue I am having is that I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for not being in love with my h anymore. I know he makes me feel like everything is my fault and I know it isn't, but I can't help but feel like it is me who is tearing the family apart. For some weird reason my H is perfectly content with being unhappy and having no intimacy in our relationship. A piece of me wishes he would initiate the seperation, so I don't feel like I am being selfish for wanthing to be happy!

Thanks for listening!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 4:23pm

have you thought about why you want the separation? you are unhappy being married, do you want the sep. to have time to decide to stay together or divorce?
or is it just a step to divorcing and your mind is made up?
i think you will want to address those issues too when you talk.
as far as HOW to talk. im sure people have done it all sorts of ways.

if you are separating in order to attempt to fix things it may be worth seeing a counselor together to help you work through the 'whys'

if its decided already though i think direct and honest is best. whther thats a letter or talk or whatever.
this is a hard time i know, so best of luck to you.
:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 5:08pm
OMG...that sounds exactly like what I've been going through. My STBE was more than happy being miserable in our marriage and I didn't know how to talk to him. I actually sent him a long email telling him exactly how I felt. That didn't go over well at all. He got really nasty with me about it and when I tried to talk to him about it, it all got turned around into my fault as usual. It took me almost a month after that to finally confront him and tell him I wanted a divorce. Everytime we try to talk even now, I end up saying things the wrong way. I hate confrontation and don't handle it well at all. I always end up apologizing for things that aren't my fault too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 5:12pm
wow sounds like my ex-h. everything was my fault. when he did things wrong it was my fault for allowing him to lol.
:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 7:49am

I think your talk should consist of "(his name), I'm filing for divorce."

If the two of you have failed to connect or comminucate during the marriage, what good would any kind of explanation NOW have? None. Its a complete waste of time. And what's more, it will only precipitate a nasty fight/arguement. So why subject yourself to this? The "why" of the situation is only relevant to you -- and this is no answer or explanation that will satisy him. So why subject yourself to this?

I believe its worth while to continue your thinking, and to capture it in a journal. This will help you process the emotions and thoughts you are having. And if you truely think divorce is the answer, your STBX is not part of that process.

Anything beyond "I'm divorcing you" is an utter waste your time and his. Unless you are seeking to engage him in a nasty fight during the "talk".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:59am
Deep breath ... you dont HAVE to be pefect during your "talk".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 10:56am

We ended up having a talk last night, it didn’t go exactly as I expected. I was honest with him about my feeling, I told him that I wasn’t in love with him anymore and that I didn’t see a future in our marriage. The thing that bugs me the most is that his questions back to me were all “why”. Of course I try to explain why I feel the way I do but it gets me no where. He is so freaking stubborn it is impossible to get my point across.

He insisted that I “try” to make our marriage work, that we go to marriage counseling and he thinks that we can rekindle our spark! He also threw out the “we need to try for Taylor” (Taylor is our dd). Just to shut him up because I was tired I told him that I would go to counseling, but he had to arrange everything, down to finding a babysitter, and that it needs to happen next week. Well today he says that it can’t happen next week.

Am I a bad person for not wanting to make things work, I just feel like it is a waste of time and if we try it is just putting off the inevitable.

I am just going to stash as much money in my ING account that I can for the next couple of months and be prepared for when I need to really say WE ARE DIVORCING. The worst part of all of this, the person who I am going to have to ask for some help, is my ex husband!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 1:05pm

Whats your ING account? ANYTHING you have is 50% his (in most states, its 50/50). I suggesst you have a close family or freind hold your $, or put it in a safe dep box. NOTHING traceable.


& no you arent a bad person. Its sad to fall out of love, but i am sure he isnt innocent in it either. You have to be true to yourself if you really feel its not worth fighting for. But if there is any possibility your feelings CAN change, then IMHO, it is worth a shot.


Hugs


Oh, what kind of help will you have to ask your X for?

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 3:25pm
The ING account is like a savings account, and the amount of money I have in there is minimal compared to what he has in his checking account. I just need to save for a deposit on an apartment should things come to that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 3:36pm
Oh, ok. You just have to make sure you have no significant amount of money in any account when you leave him. Good luck!

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 7:12pm
im NOT saying you should stay with him, but i assume you have tried to talk with him about why you were unhappy in the past? i assume he did have a chance to work on things at some point i mean.

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