Having Trouble

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Having Trouble
2
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 2:53pm
I’m so glad this forum is out here. It’s difficult to talk to family and friends because they love us both. I’m 33 years old and my husband and I are not yet divorced or even separated. My husband and I still live together and plan on selling the house to get a smaller one for the kids and I and for him to move out. While the feeling is mutual about separating and inevitably divorcing, he was the one that brought it up. We have been together for 12 years and have two kids. What brought forth the problems this time was money. He has been laid off now in a job now he doesn’t like much. I have stood by his side and never tried to make him feel like less than a man which I’m sure at times he’s felt because of all the problems that are faced when one loses a job. He now decides to tell me that not only is he unhappy at work, he is also unhappy with our marriage. The intimacy has reached an all time low, but how sexy can you feel when you can hardly make the mortgage payments? He loses his job and changes everything in our life because of it but is unhappy with me, go figure. Anyway, this is not the first time he has told me he is unhappy (although intimacy has never been a problem before). Whenever we are faced with any kind of adversity it all comes down to this. We were young when we met and he taught me a lot and reminds me every chance that he gets that he has done so. I think the real problem is that he has never accepted me or loved me unconditionally. How can you be with someone that long and not accept them? I have not only accepted him and all of his shortcomings and flaws but I remained faithful the entire time. I am an attractive young woman that gets complimented on and approached on a regular basis. I have a decent job that I love and am a great mother. Maybe I didn’t bring him enough drama. When I first met him his ex-girlfriend dogged him out so badly, he had to take medication for his nerves. Well, anyway I’m not going to try to figure it out anymore. I can’t allow him to hurt me anymore. While no one wants to be divorced with two kids, I know I deserve better. The kids adore him and that’s my main concern, but I think if I’m strong they can be. God will help us through it. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
In reply to: niba16
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 7:33am

I really wish you the best. I totally understand your situation. If he has been on medication for his nerves previously, there could be a possibility that he is suffering from something a little more than just being unhappy. I strongly feel my H is suffering from depression. I feel that there is more than meets the eye with his psychological well being and I pray every day that he gets the help he needs. He really believes that I have been the cause of his unhappiness for our entire marriage. I only took care of him and tried to make his life easy and tried to make him happy only to be ignored and neglected and criticized. I didn't just cower in the corner when he would do this, I would tell him that it wasn't right to treat me like this, but he would tell me that there is nothing wrong with how he talks to me or how he is. I just needed to understand that he liked his alone time.

Anyhow, I will keep you in my prayers. You are right, God will get you through this. Continue to be the strong woman that I sense and move forward with your life. Provide for the children and yourself. He will have to figure it out for himself.

God Bless

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: niba16
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 8:35am

hi - i read your message twice, and i am wondering - have you and your husband ever gone to couple's counseling? i understand that you are at a bad place right now - but it doesn't sound to me like you have a real substantial reason to get divorced. I am not belittling your feelings - i am just wondering ifyou have tried every avenue.

money problems can affect a marriage - badly - and its possible that your husband is unhappy about alot of things - not specifically *you*.

.