He is an A$$$$HOLEE.................
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| Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:29am |
I cant stand him. Ooooohhhh, he makes me sick. I stuck to my word about giving him the pictures and I can tell you I will NEVER attempt to give him any more again. To hell with him. The three of us got downstairs ofcourse he was late as usual. He and his gf arrive, I had the two pics in an envelope and wrote daddy on it. I went to hand it to him and he looked at it, like it was a bomb or something. It wasnt sealed. He just stared at it and then said I dont want that. I said oh, you dont want these and pulled part of the pics out a bit so he could see it wasnt a letter or something from me, he just turned and began to walk away, so I said fine. That s.o.b. Who the hell does he think he is. Like anything I do for the baby isnt good enough. The baby wanted to take his little bookbag with him, so I put one of his toys in it and let him take it. Not his school bookbag, what do they do, when they come back ofcourse they had to buy the baby a name brand bookbag. The bookbag I sent for him was no where to be found, his gf asks me if he really likes the other bookbag b/c he saw that one and fell in love with it, I wanted to say what the f do you think. But I just said yes he does then she gets if from jerks backpack and gives it to me.
I cant stand that man. He was an hour and 10min late and had the nerve to act like it was nothing, saying I'll see you tomorrow baby. The court order says more than 30 min late and the next visit is cancelled.
Here we go. From the beginning he has always been late, always. I havent complained even though I wanted to, but this time was ridiculous. So my guy friend said how about calmly letting him know look can you try to be on time b/c when your late if affect things I have to do. I was nice about it and ofcourse he took it to the nasty level. So I said look, by the court order tomorrows visit is cancelled because of how late you were, he says well I called you so Im in the clear. I told him to read no. 6 of the order, he said he isnt reading nothing, I said that's fine but if your asking if you can still get him you need to bring him back on time, he stated again he knows he will be late, he's using public transportation and cant control that. Says he wishes I would try to cancel his visit and hung up.
7:30am sunday, he calls me asking what am I gonna do, I repeated about what the court order says he asked about when will be the make up I told him I have to get back to him, and told him with all the rain today if you were getting him you'd have to take the umbrella stroller anyway and he said he's not taking it, the baby will be fine. He doesnt use an umbrella, says he cant be bothered carrying one, has never used one when we were together. I said in the furture if it's raining bad and windy Im sending it, it's for the baby's protection. He said if I do send it, it wont be coming back. I just hung up the phone. Is this man not psychotic or what. There is two of them, what's the big deal with using an umbrella stroller to protect your child from the heavy wind and rain? He makes me sick.

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Yes he certainly does act like a jerk.
Do you have a current address on him? I would contact your attorney and let her know that you want a certified letter sent re-stating the CO about pick up and drop off times. Did he call you and let you know that they were running behind? He may be able to get the CO changed that gives him more leeway on times if public transport on weekends is an issue, but he would have to ask for it. Are you guys moving towards overnights? Meaning is this a ramp up schedule that will change?
Keep doing what you are doing. Keep taking the high road it will serve you well in court and that way you always know that you are doing the right thing for your son. At least you got a new school bag out of the deal.
LOL, here's the funny thing, the bag is too small for school. That's why I got him a bigger one because the 1st one was a Dr. Suess bag that came free when I ordered books for the baby. This one is the same size. It's a waste of their money but who cares.
He didnt call I had actually called him to say I was running 10min late then he told me. But believe me I read and re-read the CO and like he was ranting as long as he calls he's fine, it states absolutely nothing about him calling. The really funny thing is that when he was driving he was still late. LOL, LOL. So now he wants to use public transportation as an excuse, give me a break. I use the same means of travel and this was the first time I was late and it was only 10min.
As far as moving toward overnights, that's not happening unless he gets his carpet removed and has a bed/crib for the baby to sleep in. Will a court issue overnight visitation if the apt is only a 1 room kitchenette in a basement?
Yes they most likely will. Overnights are very, very common, in fact they are the norm, not the exception in visitation. The carpeting issue is probably the only way you are going to keep him from getting overnights at this point.
Even the bed is iffy. My DH had his boys for 2 years when he lived in a house with roomates and they all 3 just slept in the same bed together. The boys never had their own bedroom until they moved in with me before we got married. The courts view the relationship with dad as much more important than the living situation, so unless it is harmful, IE the carpet, they are going to bend over backwards to encourage more time with dad.
What you are detailing is very common, and not even that bad, in the courts eyes. Remember they deal with all divorce and custody cases from the very cordial to the downright abusive, yours sounds pretty normal at this point. You guys are in the very early stages of trying to negotiate all of this and things usually get better with time.
As for being late the courts will tell him to try and be punctual and if your CO says that 30 minutes late forfeits the next visit then you are not in violation of the CO. I have never heard of that being in a CO and if we were representing your ex we would fight like heck to get that removed. It seems very one sided and a "punishment" that you get to hold over his head. If your ex continues to take this to court he is, most likely, going to get more and more time. He has very little right now so just prepare yourself that he will most likely be granted EOW at some point in the very near future. Also the courts are not going to allow you to go to his house to inspect it and make sure that it meets your standards of safe or proper, they are going to trust him to do the right thing by his son.
Just keep doing what you are and he will either get on board or continue to be a jerk, either way you have no control and that is the most frustrating part of the whole co-parenting deal. In my situation we have a good relationship with BM and her husband but we have very different houses and it can be confusing to the boys. However we are not going to change our family and don't expect BM to either. The boys will just grow up very diverse and (hopefully) very accepting of differences.
what is EOW?
I wouldnt expect them to allow me to visit and inspect the home, however I do expect a social worker to visit to make sure that the carpet has been removed and that he has a proper place for him to sleep, meaning bed/crib because in mediation he stated that the baby sleeping in the bed with him was fine. It is not.
Should his lawyer fight to remove the 30min rule, what the heck do they expect, me to just put my life on hold waiting and waiting for him to come whenever he feels like it and he have no boundaries at all. I feel 30min is appropiate, my lawyer had tried for 15min and the judge said she gives 30 min. I feel 15 would have been a little extreme so I was fine with 30min. I believe the order should be fair to both parties. He does get make ups for any cancelled visits so its not like he's losing the time. I know things usually get very bad before they get worse. I'll try to be patient.
I mean things have improved from the first two visits and we have had some communication even though he is still a nasty s.o.b. When he goes down that road I will just end the conversation until he can be respectful. Ha!
Thanks.
Sorry EOW is "every other weekend", like he would pick him up on Friday and bring him back on Sunday or even Monday.
I am just pointing out that the "punishment" aspect of the CO is very unusual and I have never heard of it. Maybe it is common in the state you are in but I have nver heard of a parent losing time with their child for being so many minutes late. Is the public transport really unreliable where you live? I mean is it a common or known thing that delays and changes happen on a regular basis? Just thinking from a lawyers stance and what they may try to present in court.
Did the mediator or judge agree with you that sleeping in the same bed was not okay? There are lots of people who really believe in co-sleeping or even family beds. I do not mainly because the kids legs and knees seem to always end up in my back at 3 am. The judge may say that yes he needs to get a bed but he may also say that dad and son can share a bed, you just never know.
The mediator agreed that the baby and him sleeping in the bed was not okay. This issue about the bed hasnt been presented before the judge yet. LOL as for the transportation we live in NY. Transportation is very very good. The trains and the buses. So I dont know what games he's trying to play here.
Im bracing myself for the overnight visits as I know they will come eventually especially when he gets the carpet up and although I will worry something awful as this will be hard getting used to for me I know it will happen. With the baby being sick it's just very hard since ex is being so nasty. One thing that I asked for that he has not done once is to call me if the baby asks to talk to me and i know he will say he hasnt asked but he's been with my sister since he was born and there almost every day he asks her to call me.
Even a couple of times the baby woke up in the middle of the night crying, saying he wanted to see me. Since ex started getting him he hasnt let me talk to him once. I feel that is unfair. I mean I dont expect to talk to him every hour but a few minutes wouldnt kill him.
When the overnight visits do start I will request that Im able to talk to him on the phone say before his bedtime especially in the beginning as it will also be a huge adjustment for him. What kills me is before all of this court stuff on the 2 occassions that he did keep him overnight and during his regular visits he would call me more than once during his visits for me to talk to the baby and I feel him not doing it now is hurting the baby, but its drives him more that he knows it hurts me too. But we are supposed to be doing what's best for the baby.
What my ex fails to realize is with his disorder stability and comfort and a routine is very important, him and I are very close. I just want the baby to feel that when he is with his dad it doesnt mean he cant talk to me. I understand him bonding with his dad is important but I would extend the same courtesy to him if he wanted telephone access to the baby when he's with me. Any advice on trying to get this enforced. If ex doesnt want the phone access fine by me but I want it.
You certainly can ask for phone access, that is a very common thing to be added to the CO. Most parents have that in their parenting agreement, I know we do but the only time we use it is if we are out of town or the boys are, otherwise they can't slow down to talk on the phone much.
The other thing you can do is start preparing your son now. Maybe get him a book about spending the night at daddy's or going to daddy's. Always present it in the best possible light and how happy you are for him and how much fun it is going to be etc. Do not let him see your fear and worry and sadness, it will agitate and scare him. When the boys were really little they would cry when it was time to go to mom and want to stay we always would say "Momma loves you and would be so sad if she didn't get to kiss you goodnight". I know that the boys probably cried when it was their time to leave her and I hope she presented it that way as well. Now they are 50/50 kids and remarkably well adjusted to the routine.
It sounds like its a control thing with him. No matter what you would do or ask, he's going to do the opposite to try and let you know you have no say so over ANY part of his life anymore. My STBX did that same thing with his son from a previous marriage. It didn't matter how menial a thing it was or even the fact that he was hurting himself (i.e. not accepting the pictures) and it made him an irrational a$$hole that was impossible to deal with. The more he could frustrate his ex, the happier and more satisfied he felt.
The harder you push, the more he's going to fight it and the more frustrated you will become. Try and keep what's best for your baby in the forefront of your mind. I'm not suggesting you lie down and become a doormat. If he's a bad, neglectful father, that's something completely different. In the situation with the umbrella stroller, would it have worked to have made it seem like you were doing him a favor and saying "here's the umbrella stroller since it's raining out, I thought you might want to take it so the baby doesn't get wet". At that point he has to make himself out to be a neglectful Father if he says he's not interested in taking it.
Try and keep that in mind and it might make the situation a little easier and less frustrating for you. You have my sympathy....I was married to the same kind of man!
Good luck!
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