He aplologized, i broke NC, now im hurt
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| Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:12pm |
He apologized for his behavior with the whole swing altercation. Said he's just been doing everything wrong. This message was left on my answering machine because I didnt want to talk to him. Fine. On Monday I went for a walk to the store with my son, he's 2 1/2. We saw a truck like the one his dad had and my son started walking towards the truck, trying to pull me to it saying - Daddy, Daddy. Oh God, it broke my heart. So I kept saying, no baby that isnt daddy's truck, come on honey. I was pulling him away and he was reaching towards the truck now kinda crying now saying daddy, daddy.
I couldnt take it anymore so, I broke down and called him, told him what happened and asked him if he wanted to see him. Oh God what was I thinking. During the conversation I found out that he's been babysitting the twins b/c she went back to work.
Well he came over, spent about 5 hours. It was nice. No phone calls which made it even better. We didnt talk about any of the drama. I kept my cool.
The next day now during the morning I had been having some slight chest pains. It scared me and I called him that afternoon and asked if he could come over to watch the baby while I went to the ER after work. He said he was watching the girls, I said I know I mean when she gets home. He was like why dont I ask my sister. So I told him then how would I get him home. Its easier for me if when I got back I didnt have to try picking him up. Then he says so why dont he spend the night. I said you know there is no where for him to sleep. So I noticed it was like he didnt want to help me out making all these other suggestions. I got upset and hung up.
Then on my way to pick up my son I called him and told him how shocked I was that he was acting like that etc. I was just pretty much letting off steam and I know I shouldnt have, I was just so upset with him. So I said if thats the way you want to be then fine, hung up. You know I thought that he would have at least called to see if I was okay be concerned. Just come over when the b$%&h got home from work make sure im okay. He didnt even last night. So then I figured that this morning he would surely have called. We had a nice visit on Monday. NOTHING. I mean my God it was chest pains and he knows I have asthma. I have a Dr. app. on Thursday, the pain stopped so I decided to wait unitl my app and ended up not going to the ER. What kinda of man is this. I cooked, offered him dinner, he ate. I have no problem with that part. But he cant even be nice to me sometimes, help me a little. He's babysitting for the ow everyday!
He says I always depend on him and if he cant help i get upset. He says he doesnt depend on just one person, b/c if 1 cant help he asks someone else. What about 1 one 1 being there for each other and that's it.
Now furious, I called him this morning. I was calm when I began the conversation. Asking how could he not even check on me to see how I was, he must not care. It went back and forth for a while. He then said how he knew it wasnt that serious, asking if I went I said no, he said see I knew it. If it was such a big deal I would have made arrangements with my sister etc. I said why didnt you even care enough to help me out, I dont ask for anything hardly ever of you. But you have time to watch the twins b/c her going to work is important, but my health isnt? He says her working is important and he does help me out he pays Child Support! He has no money to pay c.s. for the twins so that is his contribution. Again with the c.s. issue. So I said c.s. and spending TIME with your son are two different things. You see the girls everyday. He says I know he doesnt have a car seat to come pick him up and he says I told him never to come to my house again (not true) and stay away from me so that's why he hadnt come in over a week. I did say the 2nd part only b/c he accused me of sending the repo people to get his truck. He was just making excuses. He never, never admits his role in starting the conflict. Then we attempted to make a truce and cut the arguing. And leave the past where it is and deal with here and now. He apologized for not calling to see how I was.
Why is it that he can be kind to these "ow", do things for them and when it comes to me be so cold and act like he doesnt care. I dont get it. I asked him that and he said how is he being like that? I always want him to do something be somebody he's not. I told him I just want him to sometimes show me he cares. I said I can show you why cant you do the same for me? He was quiet then said he has no time to be considerate or care about someone's feelings. I just got really upset and said and fine then, fine and had to hang up. Oh Lord what a MESS I have created this time. Now what to do.

Chalk it up as a day(s) from hell and let it go.
Honestly, everything you wrote is part of my relationship with ex... except the twins part. OW and XH do not have kids together, but I am sure that will be added to it someday.
Sometimes you just have to let it go. So you have to start over with the NC thing, oh well.... just forget about it because it isn't worth holding a grudge nor is it worth your time.
OW suck, period... end of story. BUT there is no choice in his dealings with them that you can change. He makes his own choices as you make your choices.
Hang in there sweetie, it will be ok.
Hugs,
Angelena
You have to stop expecting him to care for you or show it. All you can reasonably expect of him at this point is that he be a good father to his son. That is all. I know my situation is different, but if I need my ex to take dd because I have something important I have to do (even if it's related to my health), I will ask and it's great if he agrees to help, but if he doesn't then figuring out what to do is my problem. He doesn't have to care about me anymore, we aren't together and we will never be together again.
Is there any way to stop the visitation being in your home? You have to extremes, trying to have no contact and then cooking for him while he's visiting his son. What you need is middle ground, contact limited to your son and when he's going to see his son he picks him up and leaves. You aren't a family and there is no need to play house, it only leaves you feeling more hurt.
(((BIG HUGS)))) I know all this is easier said than done. You have make some great progress and if you keep trying, it will start to get easier.
I hope your chest pains stay away. I know stress is bad for asthma, be sure to tell your doctor about all the stress you have been under. You have to take care of yourself for your son's sake.
Is it possible that he really does care but is afraid to show you? He may be trying to keep a distance between you so that he doesn't make you feel in any way that you two will get back together.
As far as OW and O kids, I think you have put a bit of a strain there as well. He knows that you get upset if he has your son any where near them He probably dosen't want to cause more waves. I think you both are sending each other conflicting feelings. The more restrictions you put on him the further away he will get. I know this happened with my ex. He just kept pushing me and wouldn't give me any space. He tried to control who I was allowed to take the kids around and who I should and shouldn't be around. By doing this he just pushed me further away.
I don't think if the table were turned that you would want him telling you that you weren't allowed take your son to see certain people(ex: You now have a SO who spends time with son and EX doesn't like it.) Would you want him saying that's not exceptable?
If you have a way to transport son ,maybe you could drop him off with ex for a visit. Even if it's with OW. I see alot of hurt going on here and until there is more letting go and compromise it's going to continue. Believe me ,I know moving on is hard.Affairs are terrible but unfortunately they do happen. He is reaping what he sows, so you don't have to do any of the punnishing. You really need to concentrate on you. It is so unhealthy to be so angry and bitter all the time.
I've read many of your posts and it seems you are on the right track. I know it's hard to not turn around and just scream at the mess behind. But that's where it should stay now,behind you. Don't keep looking back . The further you get away from the pile up the smaller it will be when you turn around. One of these days you will look back and be so far away from it that all you see is the beauty that surrounds you.
I hope I didn't come off to harsh. This is just my thoughts.Hugs ,it does get better.
K:)
Dear "Red"
I've been following your story and I can feel the pain in your posts.
This guy is a total jerk for what he's doing to you. It's like he's trying to keep you hooked some how. I just hope that you find the strength to kick him to the curb once and for all. You deserve better and your little boy deserves to have a happy Mommy.
Thanks to all of you ofcourse.
I know he doesnt HAVE to care about me. Or SHOW ME. But he should still care, and want to show me. If I was ever really important to him. He was important to me. How do you spend over 5 yrs with someone, plan a family, say you want to be with them forever and then you cheat, say you messed up and are so sorry, do it again and b/c I put my foot down finally and kicked him out which was supposed to be his WAKE UP CALL, he was supposed to realize what a good woman he had in me. But no he just ups and walks away like he never gave a damn. Just ran out on us. How does he do that? Then blames me, saying I kicked him out of his house and that action is what ended our relationship or and ofcourse me taking him to court for child support. How do I even still love him after all of this.
And how dare he not still love me for sticking with him through all of this? There's nothing wrong with me. Im a good woman, why wouldnt he love me, not want to be with me. A man would be grateful to have a woman that would love him the way I loved him and even still wanted to be with him after all he's done to her. He just threw it all away like it was never special. It was special for me. Damn him for this. Why couldnt he see how great things would have been. Now I have to just accept it's over just like that. He was everything to me. I was supposed to be everything to him. He should have appreciated all my love. Why didnt he guys?
Am I the only one feeling like this?