He cheated and I may have to pay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
He cheated and I may have to pay?
12
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 9:45pm

Hello Everyone,

My H has been going thru a mid-life crisis for 2 years now. Learned of his Affair 1 year ago. I was and am still devastated but it is what it is and I need to prepare for a D. Here is my issue.

He still lives with me. I have asked him to leave several time but he hasn't.  If and when he leaves the mortgage is $1800, I think I can do it, it will be tight, but I can do it. He says I can have everything and won't fight me.  I said no child support if he sticks to that.  Kids are 17 and 16 yrs. I have $11k saved, he has $0.

I live in CA. No fault law. I have $100k in 401k and make more $ than he does. He has $30k in 401k. If we divorce, he can take 1/2 my 401k andI may need to pay him alimony. oh and take my saving and some investments I have, about $5k ....WTH???

I have 20 years with this man and 18 were wonderful. He has gained 200 lbs that he lost 5 yrs ago, drinks everyday and avoids me except for a kiss on the cheek at night and one when he leaves for work. NO conversation. He is depressed and refuses to get help for himself. As much as I want to work things out he is making zero effort and I can only take so much.

I don't know if I should let him stay while he pays the house while I work on paying off our timeshare $14k and my credit $5k credit card? Or insist on him leaving. I don't think he will fight me for my $ but I NEVER thought we would be in this situation.  The house is not worth what we owe. He owes $5k in credit card and his car payment $15k

He pays the house I pay everything else, utilities, food, cell, car insurance etc. I need a new car no car...soon.

I am afraid once he sees how much living on his own will cost he may fight me.

What to do???

 

Jen-

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 1:05pm
Thank you. I would only waive child support if he didn't fight me for the house, 401k, etc. I don't think child support would be more than what he could take from me because I make good money, but I really don't know that to be fact. I know I can't make him leave, but he said he would... Jen-
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 11:39am

I think you really need to get some good legal advice here.  I am not in a community property state so I don't know if someone can waive their right to that.  I don't think it's smart for you to waive child support.  You're talking about not wanting to give him $35,000 from your 401K.  How much would he pay in child support?  Would child support end at 18 or longer if the kids go to college?  who is going to pay for the kids' college?  In most states, you can't just "kick him out" anyway if he doesn't want to go & there is no domestic violence.  he has as much right to stay in the house as you do pending the divorce.  Also, the fact that he has had an affair is irrelevant in a no fault divorce state.

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