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| Mon, 12-15-2008 - 2:51am |
I am planning on telling my husband that I want a divorce after the holidays.
I am 32 years old. It has been a rough year for me emotionally. I have been unemployed. My mother passed away. I am praying that I get a job this week that I interviewed for last week. Otherwise, I am not sure I can go through with the divorce with no income.
I know that I am making the right decision, but I am terrified and feeling so very alone. I feel like I used to be so much stronger than this...before I married. We have been together for 8 years. No children - which is one of my reasons for wanting a divorce. I always wanted a family one day - he never wants kids. That is truthfully a minor reason for my leaving, but it is the only one that I expect him to respect. I will use it as the basis for divorce to try to win his cooperation.
The truth is that I should have never married him. He was never the 'love of my life'. I didn't trust that I would ever find that love and I accepted him as the best catch I could get when I felt ready to marry. He is not 'my best friend' and never has been. In the end I feel like I have to take responsibility for this mistake. But I will miss the companionship. The sharing of space and meals and passions and goals.
I am posting here because I have no one to talk to about this. My best (and only true) friend is living in Africa. My mother is gone.
I am ready to take the next step in life, but I often feel frightened and alone. I feel trapped because I do not have a job. Once I have a job, I am not sure if it would be better for me to live alone in an apartment or try to live with roommates. I feel overwhelmed by all the decisions I want to make, while still be forced to 'play house' with my husband who is supporting me financially.
Any advice or encouragement is appreciated.

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Mrs2,
Hi and welcome to the board. We hope you find support and advice here you can use.
It sounds like you've given a lot of thought to why your marriage will end. You also have one piece of a plan, getting a job. That's great. Now it sounds like you need help putting the rest together. Have you considered getting one-on-one counseling? It can be a great help to sit down with a professional therapist and get your issues on the table. It's so you can make better decisions about the future. Does your husband's employer have an employee assistance program? If so, you can take advantage of that benefit at little or no cost. Look into it. My other suggestion is contact your local mental health center for information and referrals, or check with your house of worship for support groups and other information.
Basically, you need a plan. Deciding what you're going to do is going to help you weather the time you remain in your marriage. So don't pin all your hopes on one job interview. Put all your energy into a job hunt; don't stop looking for a job until you have accepted an offer. And I'd make other decisions while you're still under the same roof, like establishing your own bank account, credit, and looking into education options or job training that will aid you in supporting yourself. You can also do your homework about rent, utilities, groceries, transportation, etc. Information is power and you need to gather as much as you can to make your plan.
Good luck and keep us posted.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Hi -
My advice is stick to your guns and don't back down, you are entitled to your own happiness.
Be prepared for him to say stuff-"I'll do anything to stay together...I'll change, I didn't know you were serious...we can have a baby, I didn't know it really meant that much....we can go to counseling....anything...is it someone else? ...where is all this coming from, I thought we were happy...."
blah blah blah...
So that was what I dealt with and here it is 2 years later and he has supposedly tried everything to make me happy and now his world is falling down around him because I have decided the last 2 years of limbo is enough. He just doesn't get it and he will never be strong enough to admit this
Thank you for your advice. However, there is no chance of my husband changing his mind about children. He is very confident in his decision.
Would you rather hear that your spouse was leaving you because you have separate goals and values in life or because they aren't happy with you as a person? Which would generate the most cooperative response?
My husband is an alcoholic who is extremely selfish in nature. He is snobbish and judgmental and thinks of himself quite highly. He likes to argue with people and acts very self-righteous. He is very intelligent, but he tries to use it to make others feel small. When I leave him it will be a big blow to his ego.
Because I am a kind person, I would like to leave him in the kindest way. If he insisted that he would be willing to have a family, I would simply tell him that I know that is not what he really wants and I would never force someone to take responsibility for a life on an ultimatum.
Grass is Greener - yeah. I know. That is a big fear that I have. What if I was right when I married him...what if this man is the best life has to offer me? And now I am leaving him? Well - I have thought a lot about that one. Simply put, I was a happier person as a single woman, so even if I never find love again - at least I am opening myself up to the chance to be happy again.
It is good for me to think about these things...it makes me stronger and more determined.
I understand that you are also suffering at the losing end of a marriage. You want to find a way to make it work. I understand - I have been there for nearly 2 years.
My husband originally asked me for a divorce nearly 2 years ago and I told him that he was nuts - that we would work things out. He went along with the marriage and I have struggled for 2 years to make it work. I may be the one making the decision now, but to be honest - neither of us are happy and it will be better for both of us in the long run. I guess he knew that 2 years ago and it just took me this long to accept it.
I have spent the past 2 years grieving our marriage - while still being married. When it is all over, I can only hope that their are no regrets.
When I talk to my husband about our marriage, he generally responds with 'deal with it - I am not going to change for you.' He thinks I am trying to play some kind of power game with him and he is very defensive. He can't understand that if the relationship is going to work, we have to work TOGETHER - not against each other. In the end, he doesn't want to work on it at all. He wants to do whatever he wants to do and have me just follow him.
His mother is like that - a mouse to his father. That has never been my personality.
In the beginning I think he liked my independence, but over time I think he followed the typical stereotype of seeking a relationship that emulated his parents. Now he gets irritated and verbally abusive when I assert myself in any way - give an opinion that is different from his, attempt to give advice or even ask him a naive question. He basically acts like he doesn't respect me at all anymore.
Unfortunately he either underestimates me in thinking that I will never leave OR he is trying to push me to the point where I will leave. Either way, I can't live with someone who doesn't allow me to be myself in my own home and I don't think I should have to fight for respect in every conversation.
I am continuing to cross my fingers that I get this job this week. I am ready.
I didn't get the job. I feel like someone is punching me in the tummy. I have always been so proud of being self-sufficient and independent and now I feel like I am tied down in this situation. I feel so trapped and hopeless. I feel pathetic.
I am just trying to get past the holidays . If I can get through the next couple of weeks without breaking down then I think I am going back to see a therapist and ask for a mild anti-depressant. I am sure there is something that could help me cope while I continue to look for a job , something temporary that I could stop using later...
I have always been very against medicating because I felt I could work things out on my own and didn't think my problems were related to any chemical imbalance...but now my anxiety is so high that I think it will affect my ability to effectively network and get a job. I just feel trapped in this circle of negativity and I feel like it is all dragging me down. I am drowning.
Any advice on medicating yourself?
>>Any advice on medicating yourself?
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