"He doesn't/didn't want the divorce..."
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| Sat, 01-27-2007 - 4:17pm |
Many of us struggle/d with the fact that we were the ones to file for divorce. I see many wonderful women on this board torn up by guilt because they initiated the divorce proceedings, then their H decided he didn't want the divorce. He started being a decent husband, father, etc. Let me ask you this - was he thinking about NOT getting a divorce when he cheated, or drank, or ignored you, or stayed out until all hours, or spent the bill money on his toys and entertainment, or just simply treated you poorly? Did he listen to your repeated pleas for change or to go to counseling? Most of the women here didn't just spring it on their H that they wanted a divorce. Most of us gave these men chance after chance after chance, usually, to our own detriment.
So if you question if your H, STBX, or EX really wanted the divorce even though you filed, the answer is often YES. They showed by their actions that they DID in fact want a divorce. They just weren't the ones to actually file the papers.
I know this isn't accurate for every case, but I really do feel that often, the woman who files carries around a tremendous amount of guilt for something that is not 100% her fault.

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Very good post, and a good reminder. You are right, J&T, actions show more than words.
Hugs to you.
Oh, Christine, you definitely know what I've been through.
My ex neglected me for YEARS. I'm not saying I was a fantastic wife and did everything I was supposed, because I had my share of adding to the demise of my marriage. What I am saying is that I would TELL him when something hurt me. Even during the time between me saying "I'm done" and the actual filing, he'd come to me, BEGGING me to tell him what I wanted him to do. I did tell him what it was I had needed. I said "I need to not have our entire lives revolving around your show. I need to be able to socialize with other people and not have you dominate the ENTIRE conversation talking about yourself. blah blah blah..."
He actually, and I'm NOT exaggerating, told me he couldn't do it. That this is who he was and he wouldn't, couldn't change, nor did he want to. When I asked him why he married me if what he wanted all along was a show and everyone revolving around him, he said "DS wasn't planned and you're the one who wanted DD." Ain't that a peachy thing to say to me REPEATEDLY? I doubt his "followers" know how low he stooped.
What was I supposed to do? Continue with him indulging himself no matter the cost? Spending anniversaries at appearances? Not being home when I desperately needed him for support when there was a crisis?
I filed and now I'm the bitch. I have gone through every emotion this last year that involved negativity toward myself. There were points where I thought I should just kill myself because of the mess I made. If I didn't have the kids to think about it's very possible I would have. His mother and I are on good terms, but I tried to talk to his step-brothers wife the other day about school and she was COLD. He's totally portraying himself as the victim and it used to make me angry.
I'm not angry anymore though. I do have some friends that think he's the biggest jackass on the planet and that he lost out big when I left him. Some of his own friends have left him as well, because of his selfcenteredness, so I'm not the only one that dumped his sorry butt.
I know exactly how you feel. I'm actually shocked to read those words coming from someone else when I felt the same way. My EX flat out told me that I should have killed myself rather than put him and DS "through this." I was expected to bear the entire burden of the demise of the marriage. And this was the SECOND time I filed for divorce...I called off the first one. If that first filing wasn't a wakeup call, I knew nothing ever would be.
But, as the other ladies can see, we can and do move on, even from those dark moments.
"But, as the other ladies can see, we can and do move on, even from those dark moments."
Yes, and thank God we do. To those of you that are in that place of feeling the pain and burden, it absolutely will get better. You will not feel that bad forever. For me personally, it's been just over a year and I am doing so much better than when I first showed up at this board.
That was true for me.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
"That was true for me. I ended up asking him, when he said "I thought you'd never leave me.".... I said, "why did you think I wouldn't?"
Yes, his actions left me no other rational, sane choice in the matter. HIS ACTIONS led to my filing for divorce.... and yes, after that he swore he'd walk on water and change into whatever I wanted. I just told him that wasn't the point. The point was that he should be the person that he is... and he'd had 13 years of marriage to think about who he wanted to be... and that was who he wanted to be while he was married to me! IF he made any change at that point, and I let him, eventually, he'd end up resenting me and we'd still be unhappily married."
This is my entire marriage in a nutshell. Only we were married for 12 years.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Ahh, thank you for this post! I'm dealing with this right now. It's been 5 months since I told my H that "I didn't want to be with him anymore" (the exact words) and he said he would do counseling. He's only doing individual counseling and won't do marital counseling until he fixes his "issues." At this point, I don't care, I just want to be free of him.
My IC pushes my guilt buttons (or maybe I help her) by mentioning the in sickness and in health part of the vow. Hmmm, I am 99% sure my H cheated on me (just nothing concrete in terms of proof, but a TON of red flags), so I think that's some vow breaking right there! I wish the suspected OW or someone else would just show up and take him!!
Anyway, in those five months, I have not seen ANY change in him, even after he started his IC and taking an anti-depressant. I need to tell him again, and this time MEAN it! I so want to be free of him, but we have a 3 yo DD and I worry about that guilt.
Guilt.... for your child....
Well, let's put it this way.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
My XH and I did MC..... One of our last sessions ended with the homework of figuring out 3 things that we needed from the other. I found 2. 1) I need him to respect me, and 2) I need him to engage me in conversation that has nothing to do with the maintenance of our lives (ie the house, the kids, the bills) He was incapable.
As for the guilt because of the kids, here's what I concluded. My girls could have a full-time mother who was only about 1/3 "there" for them, or they could have a half-time mother who is there 120% during that time. In addition, they're not going to see me allow a man wh ois supposed to love me treat me disrespectfully.
It's a trade-off thing. What's worse to you?
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
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