He dropped a bomb on me

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
He dropped a bomb on me
10
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 12:11am

I feel like a nuclear bomb has gone off and I am at ground zero. My husband is a truck driver and 2 weeks ago he told me he wasn't coming home for the weekend because he didn't know if he still wanted to be married to me or not. That following Monday he had his answer for me. He was unhappy and wanted out. This came out of nowhere. I didn't think anything was wrong. I am still numb.

His reasons for wanting all of this were:

1. He needed me to be more of a slut.
2. I have gained too much weight. (Now mind you he is over 300 lbs, look at the pot calling the kettle black!)
3. He's bored.

Now, this is a man that lied to me our entire marriage. When we married, I was aware of 1 other marriage and 1 other child. Throughout our marriage I found out about 2 other wives and 4 more children. I forgave him. Just after we got married, his ex wife (which I never thought he was married to), started sending him letters in the mail, and I found out that he had been emailing her about how much he missed her. I forgave him. Last year, he was calling another woman. I forgave him. So, when I got the cell phone bill online today there is a new number that he has been calling and talking to for HOURS. I called and it is another woman. I figured out that he has been talking to her since 12/9. He is dumping me for a woman that he talked to for 2 WEEKS before he decided to leave me and his 3 year old daughter. I have been nothing but faithful, loving and forgiving. Always putting his needs above my own, making sure I made all of his dreams come true.

We just bought a house 6 months ago, and he has told me that he wants nothing. He doesn't want the house, or the car.... nothing. I told him thanks for leaving me with a 450.00 car payment. My brother is going to move in with me to help, but it is still going to be a struggle. I am trying to keep everything normal for my daughter. We are also starting a new church next Sunday that has a counseling group for Surviving Divorce which I am very excited about. I am trying to live day by day, but I can't seem to cope. I cry all the time and I feel so hurt. I know that this is going to be the best thing for my daughter and I, but my heart has been ripped out. When will it get easier to deal with?

I went to the doctor on Thursday and was tested for everything under the sun including HIV. I can't believe that he has brought my life to this. I feel so alone and I am so afraid. I just don't understand why. My mom keeps telling me that God won't give me anything I can't handle and that there is a reason all of this is happening, but right now I am understandably skeptical.

If you got this far, thank you for reading. I really just needed to vent, and know that there is someone out there that understands at least a little of what I am going through.

Thanks,

Kel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 2:52am
What is it with men and having to have multipale women in there lives? I understand you skepticisum. My new motto is "If God brings you to it He'll bring you though it." He has definantly brought me this far because I know I wouldn't have made it without him. I understand your fear too. I am terrified about how my life will be when I'm alone. That's the biggest reason I haven't gotten things in gear and left yet. He keeps saying he will not change his mind about divorce but we don't have to be in a hurry. I realized tonight though that I'm just making it harder on me and the kids to drag my feet. I will find the means to get us out of this in the next 2 weeks, I hope. Good luck to you, hon. I'm sorry your having to go through this too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 7:45am

Except for the marriages, your story sounds fairly similar to mine. My stbx told me he wanted out right after Thanksgiving and I felt like a bomb went off as well. I was devastated. We have two daughters and one has special needs. I was in shock. After a few weeks though, I began to wonder just why I was in shock. He has been inappropriate with other women our entire marriage and like you, I was forgiving. Why??? He's been half in and half out forever so why was I really in shock over this? He's made me feel about two feet tall. I honestly was killing myself to be enough for him. Well the reality is, there will never be enough. He doesn't know how to be in a committed relationship. He is always looking for the new and exciting feelings that come from the beginning and that just doesn't last. Why should I stay in something when I am not treated well and treasured??? So, after a few weeks of complete sadness and devastation, I just got p****d. I am still sad that I married him, believed his lies and choose HIM to father my kids. I am sad over the transition my children will have to go through. I am no longer sad, however, that I will be free from him. I just deserve better and sad to say, being alone IS better than him. Maybe you should check out some books on codependency. They really helped me understand the mess I got myself into. Good luck!!

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 12:28pm

WOW...WOW...WOW!! I thought you were writing my story! Aside from the other marriages, this is EXACTLY what happened to me in October. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!!! My stbx said he didn't want to be married anymore and I soon found out (from a cell phone bill) how much he had been talking to another woamn. He, too, had only known her about two weeks! I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's amazing to me how many men do this and just how devastating it can be to the wives and children. My stbx told me he didn't want anything either. He left me with everything as well. I think that's probably the guilt talking. I am seeing a therapist who has helped me realize that all the feelings we are having are normal! Please remember that. This is not a "fall down and skin you knee" kind of thing. This is a "tumble down a steep hill" kind of thing that you can't just get up from and brush yourself off. It takes time to get up, climb back up the hill, and recover. We have to allow ourselves that time. (I know that sounds corny, but it helps me when I think of it that way.)

Keep your chin up...the shock will go away soon. The sadness takes awhile to get through (I'm still going through it) and it's hard to move on. Believe me, I'm still having trouble moving on, but I know I have come a long way since October. I now seem to have more good days than bad and you will too eventually. Please know that if you need someone to communicate with who is going through EXACTLY what you are going through at exactly the same time, let me know. I would love to help in any way I can. It's nice just having someone to talk to who understands how your feeling. Hang in there!

Dina

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 5:57pm

I'm so sorry that you're going through all that you are and that you are feeling all of the things you are feeling right now, because none of it is fun... but I'm glad that you found us here too...

You will start having better days... I remember at the beginning of my separation I was a mess... cried all the time... it was what I needed to do. I looked to my son for moments that would make me beam with happiness, regardless of what I was feeling and I would rely on those moments to help get me through the day...

A friend of mine told me something about men though... No man is worth tears and the one who is will NEVER make you cry... try to remember that... and take every day at a time... it does get better with time... that much I can assure you...

Sending lots of hugs your way!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:17pm
Kel, Welcome to the board! Sorry you find yourself here. I understand the shock of what you are going through. Mine was a big shock too. For a while you will probably live on automatic pilot. Remember you are going through a greiving process and that takes time. Take care of yourself. It is amazing how things just seem to work themselves out money wise so don't fret. There are a lot of organizations out there to help you with your financial need. I also do a lot of praying and God has taken very good care of me. He will you too if you'll let him. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 8:40pm

Thank you all. Just knowing that I am not the only one going through this situation does help a little.

One question though, how do I get it through people's heads that I don't want him back? That I will never be able to trust him again, EVER! I have friends that want to talk to him to help him see his wrong ways so that he will come back. I just can't get them to understand that although all of this was a shock and I am going through a HORRIBLE time with it, I know that I could never trust him again. I know what is happening is going to be hard, for all of us, but I know that this is best for my daughter and I.

I really think that the thing that is affecting me the most is that I don't think he will be involved in her life at all. I think it will be a convenience thing that will die off. She is always telling me she loves her daddy so much and it breaks my heart. He knew that she was sick this weekend with bronchitis and a double ear infection, but he never once called to check on her. Some kind of daddy, huh?

Kel

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 11:01pm

I am so sorry... looking back to when my then stbx was not involved with our son, even though he lived less than three miles away at the time, was the hardest thing. Fortunately, Joey was only 20 months old at the time, but he was very attached to his daddy... I didn't have that great of a relationship with my father myself and its not that much better now that I'm an adult... we're trying, but its still strained, so it was very hard for me to realize that my son would not be close to his father, though it is no fault of my son... my xh moved several states away soon after the divorce was over and only saw our son once in 2005. It is enough to break your heart. Do you have male relatives? We are still very involved with my xil's... we see them every weekend and they are actually keeping him this weekend. He is very close to his PaPaw and two uncles... its not the same as daddy, but he has them at least...

One thing I had to ask myself was, do I want him involved if he really doesn't care to be involved? And yes, I do hold him responsible for child support (as much as I can, he's 10K in arrears, but I've filed for full enforcement), but if he's going to be half-a....d about being a father, it is probably better this way... I just really hope that xh wakes up one day and realizes what he's doing to Joey... xh has held it against his own father for not being there for him when he was preschool age (fil was in the army and deployed overseas) and he can't seem to see that he's doing the same thing to his own son... I just hope that if he realizes it, it isn't too late to mend fences... it could work now, I don't know how many more years that door will be open... you know?

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:36am

Everyone I know keeps telling me that he will change his mind. at first that was a comforting though but not anymore. As devistated as I am I do know that in the end the kids and I will be better off. I finally told my brother in law that it didn't matter if he did change his mind. Sometimes there is just to much damage done. This is one of those cases. He doesn't get to change his mind. You don't do this to the woman who loves you and the children who think you walk on water and they get to end it and act like no one was ever hurt. I have told a lot of things through all of this that are just unforgivable right now. Not secrets but things such as I never loved you, which he now denies saying, and things like that. Now it's I do love you, I always will, I just don't love you the way a man should love his wife. Sure that makes a lot of sense. There are just some hurts you can't get past. That's what I tell them all now.

I also don't think my stbx will be very involved in my kids lives. The though of that just breaks my heart. My 3 year old adores him and one day soon he will just kinda disappear from her life. Those are the thought that make me hate him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 3:45am
I know you dont feel this way, but please count yourself lucky that you are getting out of a bad situation while you are still young - & you have a wonderful child out of it all.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:07pm

i'm sorry that you are feeling the way that you do and that you are going through this. my situation may be different but i can understand. my husband literally disappeared on me. i found out through other people that he wanted a divorce. he was calling me his ex-wife behind my back while i was thinking "we are just going through some really rough times right now." my husband has also lied to me throughout our entire marriage. he's in the restaurant/bar industry and got involved with drugs and other illicit affairs. throughout the whole entire time, i was proud thinking that my husband was one of a kind--that he separates himself from that lifestyle. wow! little did i really know, huh? i too, have been nothing but faithful, loving and forgiving - making sure that he always came first (no pun intended in that...lol!). well that is just a tidbit of what has been going on. i'm in the process of preparing the paperworks for divorce.

everything is still pretty raw (up until now, i'm searching through everything on "divorce," and "coping," and all the "how to's..."-how do you think i found your posting?) here i am hoping that he would see the magnitude of his actions and decisions. but in due time, he will. now you mentioned that you go to church and that your mom has said that God will not give you anything that you cannot handle. Remember that you serve a very faithful God and His timing is always on time. Trust in Him for He will never leave you nor forsake you and His purpose for putting you through this is greater than any purpose that you can imagine. i wish i had a reason as to why this is happening to you but i don't. i, myself is still going through all the hurt, anger, rejection, loneliness and up and down emotions while my husband thinks nothing of it and mocks it. i still ask God and my closest friends, when will it stop and when does it get easier? all i can say to that is it just does. i still cry but i cry less. i want to rush the time but i can't. Soooo vent all you want. Talk about it. Cry about it. Pray about it(and for him regardless) and press on. this is the best advice i can give you for now. you'll be in my prayers especially for comfort, peace and strength.

God bless and thank You kel! your posting helped me a lot.