he dropped a bomb on me last night

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
he dropped a bomb on me last night
3
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 10:47am

last night, my husband called me at 12:30am, crying. He told me that he knew he was more to blame for our divorce than I was, that he f'd up, that he made a mistake and would pay for it the rest of his life. This is the first time he hasn't said that the whole divorce is my fault, and so I told him, after sitting in shock for a minute, that I never once thought it was all my fault, or all his fault. And I told him, if he really felt this way, did he think it would be possible to try and work through our issues. We haven't even filed the divorce papers yet. He cried harder, said that he didn't think we could, that too much had happened but he wanted to "relieve me of the burden" of thinking this was all my fault. I told him again that our family was the most important thing and maybe we can't get past our problems but it was worth trying. I told him nothing would change that, not even if he had another baby on the way.

And then he tells me, that is the case. he has a girlfriend, he has been seeing her for about 2 months (that i know of) and she is pregnant. he keeps crying, and asking how many pregnancies am I going to miss out on, how many part time children am I going to have. He told me that he was about to break up with her when she told him this...but then later in the conversation he told me he thought he loved her. I don't think he knows what he feels, except sad and scared...because lots of what he said didn't make sense really. he basically said he knows that i am a good mom and will take care of our kids (my 3 yo and the baby on the way) but he doesn't know that about her, so basically he is going to try and make a go of their relationship so that he can be there to...to what? to keep an eye on her i guess...

the way he was talking kept making me think, he wants me back, he wants us back. maybe we can work this out. but then he told me that whether or not she was pregnant, our divorce would have gone through. i know this was good for me to hear, because i've worked really hard to come to terms with our divorce. and he is young (30), and loves children, i always knew he would get married again and have a baby...i just didn't expect it to be so soon. he's been out of the house for 2 months, our baby (which was a freaking planned pregnancy) is due in 6 weeks...i can't even start to think about how this is going to affect my older son.

i am really jealous. when i was pregnant the first time, he was so loving and sweet and we really had an amazing pregnancy together. it's one of the things i have missed most during this pregnancy. and now she is going to be the recipient of that attention and affection, and i've been alone this whole time.

i keep trying to remember these things while i'm waiting for my shrink to call me back.
1. when he first called, i thought he was asking to come back. and i laid there thinking that i don't really want to. but i have to try for the sake of my family. but i was really (and this is going to sound dramatic) filled with dread, thinking about letting him back in my life as my husband.
2. this doens't change anything for me. like i said, i knew it would happen someday, i just didn't think so soon. so i have to adjust my timeline
3. i know that he and i are not a good couple. and from what he told me last night about her, i dont think they are a good couple either. and if he wants to marry someone or contemplate marrying someone he doesn't love just because she is pregnant, i cant control that. he never once thought about our marriage until last night. he told me that. so it shouldn't matter if he is dating her, or loves her, or is having a baby with her. it should be about me and MY kids, and that i think we are better off not having him in our life.

i am sorry this is so long. i'm really rambling, trying to deal with this. i got 2 hours of sleep last night, im pregnant, i can't get ahold of my shrink or any of my friends. so sorry this is so long. and if you made it this far, thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 11:00am

nflfan...


First....PG wants you to put yourself and your unborn child FIRST!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 11:14am

HI PG
thank you for the reminder about taking care of baby. i need to settle down and remember him.
i may have misspoke. husband doesn't want to reconcile...i don't think. he started off that way but then finished by saying no matter what our divorce would have happened, even if she wasn't pregnant. i really dont think he knows what he wants. but i do know that a reconciliation probably isn't in the cards. whether or not he loves her, he's made it clear time and time again that he doesn't love me. and that's no environment for my kids to be raised in...i want them to know they can do better than that.

thank you for the support, i appreciate it alot

bridget

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 11:30am

HUGE HUGS! You handled that VERY well. You sound strong, even without talking to your therapist yet. This is part of the roller coaster and you are making it, you have a much brighter future than he has because you are facing your problems and not making rash decisions that will affect the rest of your life. How many people is he going to impregnate and marry before he wakes up and realizes what he needs out of life? You are already on the road to figuring that out and that means you aren't too far away from finding it.

Hugs to for going through the pregnancy alone. Although I was married when I had dd, my ex would not touch me while I was pregnant (he barely touched me before, and he used the pregnancy as an excuse to stop any contact). He didn't participate, wasn't emotionally involved, and basically just showed up for the birth and disappeared after (I was in the hospital 4 days and he was not there much since I was being well cared for by others, and once I got home I could have had a stronger emotional connection to a hired nurse). I would love to experience a pregnancy with someone who loved and cared for me. Maybe someday.

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