He has a girlfriend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
He has a girlfriend...
6
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 4:41pm
I feel like dying. I dont know what to do. Again, if it wasnt for my kids, I would have been gone awhile ago. Last night I went to pick my kids up at STBX's and as he braught bags of toys to the car with me, he asked me to swear on the kids what I was doing. (We've been seperated 6 months almost and I kissed another guy about 2 months ago...nothing more). Kepp in mind, ex told me it was over, he left me. He said he was moving on I should too. I havent been sexual with anyone, just a kiss. So anyway, during my sprawl of depression I decided to write in a journal for all of 4 days (about 2 months ago). To try to get it out cause no one wanted to hear it anymore. I decided to list everything I didnt like about ex, and even wrote it was so I could go back when I was feeling down. Anyway, longer story shorter, dd found the notebook under my bed and took it to draw in to her dads,it hasnt been written in ina long time(also contained the fact I had kissed the other guy and that he gave me chills I never had before, also how much I love my ex and would do anything to be with him, things I never thought anyone would read to try and save my sanity). Someone read it...inevitably he did too. Soooo, back to loading toys...he said he read it and i was a liar. Then told me he had a girlfriend. I of course asked him question after question..."when u didnt answer your phone...were you with her", "Is she prettier...thinner etc". I also asked him if he was with her on Xmas. He didnt answer but "I didnt buy her anything". This kills me. My xmas was horrible...empty stocking, no gifts to open in the morning...me and the kids pretending to be fine. I dont know if its the truth now. Maybe he said it all to hurt me back. (all his flaws...and I dug deep I put on that list...that would've killed me too, we both have low self esteem) But why wouldnt he stop after I was throwing up...and before that crying in front of his dad. Why did he tell me when he saw me Xmas night that the day was so depressing? If he was with a girl...why would he have said that before. I am so sick, I dont want to eat again...I've already lost 25 lbs since we seperated and Im getting back into it, I know. I ahve to punish myself some way. How could he have a girlfriend after I tried so hard. When someone already loves him as much as me...why do u need a skanky girl who knows your situation when I'M RIGHT HERE!!! He was adament about not wanting a relationship with anyone for months. Do you think he's lying cause he's hurt? What do I do now? Moving on doesnt feel like a possibility. Some girl is making my husband happy, and he would give me the chance to. I'm lost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:56pm

I feel your pain. My husband is 800 miles away from home visiting his "friend". He left x-mas day - I bought him gifts from the kids to him. My stocking was empty. I know he purchased a Harley sweatshirt for her cuz the kids were with him when he did it. He calls me when she's at work and is so nice. When I called him yesterday, I told him I called him cuz I was bored. His response "why are you calling me?" The SOB had called me all morning all nicey nice and now he was putting up a front because skank was with him. I asked him "Did you F her yet?" He became sarcastic and I just got off the phone. I left this morning for a planned trip to FLA with the kids. Trying to let the kids have some kind of life since he doesn't do "Family" things ever. I called him to let him know we arrived o.k. He seemed genuine asking about things then I heard her - Told him I would let him go cuz he was busy. He'll call when he's bored cuz she's not around. And stupid me will listen. 20 years together 12 married and he's like a school boy with her. He spent over 3000 minutes in less than 30 days talking to her from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. I even went to court to help him file his appearance before x-mas cuz he asked me to. Why do I do things he asks?? Why am I so manipulated by him when he treats me like crap? I just need him to give me $$ so I can move out. I'll probably have to fill out the application for him since he's already asked me to help him fill out the financial affidavit that needs to be completed.

I have also lost 20 pounds but I am walking. Instead of being sick over this can you try to walk. I've been told exercise releases endorphins which help. Unfortunately, I haven't reaped the benefits except for the weight lost which is a good thing for me because I do need to lose the weight.

I too have hurt myself because of this skank and STBX. The next day I filed for divorce. It is so hard. Believe me, I know. I still love him with all my heart and hurt as I write this but I know deep down that he wouldn't be doing this if he was in love with me. He tells me he loves me but I know he is living a separate path (he's looking for a Harley chic who will show her fake boobs) I drive my own Harley but am not an exhibitionist.

I just hope that someday one guy will make us happy.

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 3:10am
My H left tonight to call the OW again he is like your H he is acting like a little school boy. and he is 56........They were on the phone for 1 hour and 40 minutes I check our verizon acct to find out.
whenever we would talk he usually said "How long is THIS going to last" He would not chat with me about lifes little things he didnt have time. he said. but would stay glued to the tv at night. this is throughout our marriage
I this summer laid a whole new kitchen floor myself. He remodeled our daughters house for her but stopped doing things for our house or for me many years ago.
Yes I have gained weight and been kind of heavy the last few years but he still seemed to enjoy our sex life. He stopped taking me anywhere quite a few years ago. even if we go to a family dinner we take separate cars. he says he may want to leave earlier. OK
well I started a diet and had lost some weight before all this started. and will keep it up. I am doing it for my health. I am not THAT fat.......either. Most people tell me I am a very attractive woman. I think he always wanted a skinny blonde. lol.........well the OW is small so guess that is all that matters even though she is married and lives quite a ways away she is still sooooo special to him. and he loves talking to her? what? everyone says I have a wonderful personality but he would never talk with me.....I just dont get it?
He no longer leaves his cell phone on the charger at night. its always right with him. I said why do you do that? I can get all the info I need on the verizon site. and he said well I am afraid you will get mad and hide my cell phone. OMG he is like a child who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar and he is hanging onto that cookie with dear life.
its almost humorous. Well ........I have done better today. didnt really throw a huge fit or anything. I did cry quite a bit. sometimes just talking to him I break down and cry and he usually is kind about it but a couple times he got angry cause I was being a baby. well I cant help it. my heart is broken. He did say he would give me $2,000 from his savings and he is going to pay all the bills till the end of April so I will save all the money I can make till then and add it to savings. then I wont be so scared. If I have a bad week in my business I will have something to fall back on. when he said he would give me that I started crying. I have been so scared. at times. but in reality I know I will make it ok.
I feel like you.........that my H is doing this cause he doesnt love me. I tried hard to be pretty and kind and a good wife n mother but it wasnt enough. we cant make someone love us. But we need to be glad that this is all coming down now so perhaps we have a chance to someday find romance. I am not too sure about me. I am 57 I have always been an incurable romantic but ... well who knows. right now I dont want a man at all.
I am intrigued by the commercials of old people who found their soul mate but perhaps they are all paid models anyway LOL
Hang in there girl! Love yourself!! I plan to not talk to my H after he leaves .......if I do I will weaken and flirt and try to get attention and it is not good for my self esteem to do that.
I do think though that the fact he told me how much he loves this woman ....how so special she truly is....ie the woman of his dreams.......
you know after hearing that after 28 yrs of trying to make it work for us........hearing that now I have lost alot of the love I ever felt for him. I am probably crying for the man and marriage I thought it was spose to turn out to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 3:55am

I'm new here and I have already posted to another person. I'm going to say the same thing here FOLOW YOUR INSTINCTS! 9 out of 10 they are correct if you are being honest with yourself.

Now the kiss. When the hubby kisses you do you feel that same way now? If not, that's telling you something. And just because you are separated dosent mean your single. Your still married and I would want to take the upper road in all of that. Should you work everything out and get back together it's always going to be on both of you and slowly eat away at the chance of having a happy life together. You wont have the trust. And since you even put yourself into a situation that resulted in a kiss you had to write about, it would seem that you are not really honestly thinking about getting back together. Right?

I moved out of "our" house on Nov 1st this year. I am on disability wich was cut to 640.00 a month with rent of 1000.00, which thank God I paid a few months in advance. I'm not even thinking about getting together, flirting, nothing like that. I need to get to know Me after being in a controlling relationship for 22 years. No kids of "our", but I di help raise his daughter that he had custody of. Which by the way is helping him to @!%^ me.

Sorry, just had to B-complain. I hope to God that yours is not seeing anyone else and I think you should keep your Girlfriend at home with the kids. If it turns out that you dont get together and he's messing around, it will look better for you in court and it would be much less confusing for the kids. Think about them first while you get to know you.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 1:15pm
No, the kiss was written about merely because I thought reading stuff when I was depressed would help me get over him. I tried for 6 months and wanted to be back with him more than anything in this world. I still do. I did everything short of literally begging him. He said "it just wont work...move on". That he was moving on. So I didnt think a kiss was so bad after he told me he didnt want me to know what he was doing and didnt want to know what I was doing. (when at that time, I had done nothing and told him...still insisted I move on). We have texted back and forth on different occasions and i honestly thought we'd be together...he still said it wouldnt work. Now that he has hurt me, he feels bad. He read the other stuff too, about why I was writing in that journal..to get over him. He knows I care and love him to death. Everyone is saying he's lying to get back at me. A girlfriend is much different then a kiss though especially when he's been telling me he doesnt want a relationship with anyone. (by the way...to the 2nd reply)...I havent kissed STBX in about 8 months...I would love to, but we havent. I know I would be the happiest person in the world for that time. When I picked my kids up yesterday (the first time Ive been there since he told me Tues) I just waited out front...he still walked out even though I asked him not to. I just didnt say a word and got the kids in the car, he stood watching. I am not mad...very hurt, but not mad so I had to get in the car and go. Then this morning he was waiting for me to drop them off outside. Came to the car and told me to look at him...I couldnt. I was filling up just hearing his voice so I kept my head turned and told him I couldnt. He reached through the car and hugged me, asked me if I was okay. Then said how sorry he was for hurting my feelings. My question is...if you really do have a girlfriend because I couldnt make you happy and you've treated me like crap lately, why do you care how I feel? Why think about it and wait for me to tell me again? Why wouldnt he just go be happy with her...feel like he got it off his back? He may very well be lying about it all to hurt me back...and now he doesn't feel like he can tell the truth because he doesnt know how Id react to how bad it already hurt me. I dont know. I hope he's lying to hurt me, but it still may be. But thinking he's lying is the only thing that gets me through the day
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:01pm

Ohhhh I know your pain. I know all about wanting to understand why he would make it harder than it needs to be, to go and search out someone to love him when you are right there! This is all much easier to say than it is to do... but here goes...

If there's one think I have learned it's that if they want to come back they will, if they don't they won't. Nothing you can do will make then come back, love you the same again. Also, thinking and obsessing about the other woman doesn't do you a damn bit of good either. Most rebound relationships are a downgrade in my experience, people are looking for someone to give them what they "feel" they are not getting from their partner. Unfortunaly it's not all about looks, but that would be a heck of a lot easier!

You have got to live for you and your kids, many time seeing you move on and not clinging on makes the other person makes them reconsider. Plus, if he doesn't come back then you haven't wasted anymore time than you have to. At this point I would not call him unless absolutely necessary, keep your interactions brief and too the point, this take sthe power away from him and gives it back to you. SOunds like you need a little "power" right now!

You are in my prayers...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:58am
I am actually feeling a bit better today. Actually able to laugh at some things instead of the perma-frown Ive been walking around with. I talked to him for all of 5 minutes yesterday when I picked my kids up. I think he is lying...I'm really starting to believe that. There is the possibility that he's telling the truth and he really has a gf, but little things make me think he's not. Which if he's lying tells me he cares, that his feelings were genuinly hurt. I mentioned to him yesterday that I just coulndt believe he spent Christmas with her. He said he didnt say he did. I think when I was asking him questions before, he answered the way he did so he didnt get his lies twisted (alot of I dont knows and I'm not talking about it). When I asked him Tuesday, he said "well, I didnt get her anything". Coming off as I was with her, but didnt spend money on her. (which was good considering he spent 35.00 on my kids) But when I asked yesterday "why did you say you were depressed on Christmas?" He said "Because I was all alone, it sucked". Well, if this is indeed your girlfriend, why would you have been alone...then he confirmed he didnt see her then. He said he has alot of thinking to do...which he hasnt said yet...always saying he's not thinking about it anymore. I'm not getting my hopes up, but anything I need to think to pull me from this down and out depression, I have to do. I can't continue to be a zombie. We'll see, Im backing off regardless...if he has a gf, I dont want to act crazy and give him more reason to dislike me and I dont want him to think he's so special that Im suicidal over it. Oh well.