he left in anger, will he come back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
he left in anger, will he come back?
6
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 9:58pm
Two days ago my husband left me. He simply said he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce, he didn't want to try, he didn't want counseling or a seperation...it's all or nothing. Last week we were in love, we made love, we laughed, shared stories, In fact we had planned a second honeymoon to renew our vows in november, and this week we had a fight that esculated but felt resolved. Friday morning he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me. When I get home friday he asked for the divorce and left. He had been home before me and had packed some of his clothes and took his computer and playstation, and when I got home he couldn't give me any reason and refused to try any methods of saving our marriage. I felt that he was just angry over our argument about money, and he just stood up and walked away. I asked if he was coming back and he said he didn't know. Then he left. On Saturday he sent me an email with links to websites for do it yourself divorces and said he'd give me a fair offer, it was the coldest thing I'd ever read. How can you go from being in love one instant and so distant the next???? Is he just angry and needs to cool off and then he'll come back???? Or do I really start preparing myself for something I don't want? Do I do this no fault do it yourself thing? Or is that just his way of controlling what happens and what I can get. Please help...I'm so lost and confused and scared. I panic not knowing if he'll kick me out of the house, or if he'll take his money and run. I can't afford to support myself and I don't know what to do? Any advice would help...I can't get focused or clarity and since it's a holiday weekend I'm trapped in our house, by myself, alone and terrified and I can't even get legal advice until tuesday...what do I do now???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 10:30pm

God, that's simply awful. Of course, you're scared and confused. This all sounds crazy.

You've got to tell a family member or trusted friends what is going on. Or, if you're involved with a church -- try that. You need them now. Make and appointment with a therapist -- see if your friends or family can refer you to someone. It sounds as if there is more to this. He may have met someone. This sounds like he has made decisions. Or, maybe he is unstable. There isn't enough information in your post.

Good luck. Make those phone calls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 11:05pm
First of all, calm yourself! He can't do anything legal about ending the marriage over the week-end either! When you say you are trapped in the house over the week-end... do you mean you have no car of your own? Since he has abandoned you, first thing on tuesday morning, call and make an appointment with a divorce lawyer! Take that ball right out of H's hands. Sounds to me like maybe he's "talking" with a third party about the marriage... could be a pal, an OW he's interested in, or even a lawyer of his own... anyway, his sudden off the wall statements and lightening fast changes in attitude makes me think he's listening to advice from someone else! Most of all, be strong whenever you are dealing with him, show as little emotion as possible... you can cry and fall apart AFTER he hangs up or walks out the door. Give him NONE of your power! Make NO decisions, sign no papers, nothing... without having a chance to quietly think about it over 24 hours by yourself first. Do not let him bully you into anything. Do talk to a lawyer for your own info. Don't ever share a lawyer! Expect H to waffle back and forth with his decisions.. putting you on a yoyo and feeling like you live in limboland. This is a rollercoaster ride... lots of ups and downs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 11:08pm

I am so sorry. I think Karen may be right...there might be more to this than meets the eye. I hope that it is not true for your sake, there's nothing, and I mean nothing as devastating as being in love with your husband one day and the next day, he up and leaves.

Talk to a close family member. Reach out for help in your area. No one can say whether he will come back or not. But you can take steps now to try to take care of yourself.
Until we hear from you again, be blessed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 11:13am
Hmmm...it doesn't make sense, does it? Have you seen any other signs before this? Distancing? Time away? Anger? Blame? That's odd that he tells you he loves you and kisses you goodbye, and then does a complete turnaround by evening. My advice, besides finding a good attorney and some friends to talk to, is to get things in financial order. Change the locks to the house. Gather up financial records (bank statements, pay stubs, tax forms, etc.). Go to the bank and take your half or put a hold on the accounts. I know you feel like you're falling apart, but you need to keep it together for your emotional/financial future. Start saving up some cash. Your husband may keep playing head games, even if you do "resolve" this. Make sure you have your ducks in a row! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 7:39pm
I've Racked my brains for the past three days to see if he had been distancing himself, or doing anything different..and my answer keeps coming up no. He had been working on a project at work that was giving him (us) extra money to pay for our vacation (2nd honeymoon) in november. He was working 3-4 hours after work. But I know he was there because I'd call his desk phone and he'd answer. I Had even taken him dinner a few times and tried to be supportive of the work. However when he was home we spent a lot of time together...in fact I had been thinking about how wonderfully our relationship had been growing in the last year...i would have said we were at the best of our relationship. We never stopped being intimate, we constantly huged, kissed, held hands, just last week we couldn't keep away from each other. We had been working on projects on the weekend, seprately and together and had even going to movies, and out to dinner, everything just felt perfect and then we had a tiff on monday of this past week and we are both stubborn people, and then it became a heated discussion on Thursday about finances...and then friday he just kissed me good bye...in fact we had cuddled in bed that morning, We talked twice in the morning as I was taking care of some finances, and then he called about 2:00 and left me a message...I tried to call and he didn't answer. Then I talked to him at about 6:00 and he informed he we needed to talk. He told me over the phone he wasn't happy and this wasn't fair to either of us and he wanted a divorce. When I got home he was sitting on the couch waiting for me. I begged (i know pathetic) really begged him to reconsider...asked him for counseling, or at least a short seperation before we made such a big discion. We had tried counseling two years ago before for 3 or 4 sessions and then they got to expensive and they were far away and we decided we'd try another counsler that was on our insurance and closer to home...but saddly we didn't return. But When I suggested it on friday he insisted it wouldn't do us any good. That's not trying in my opinion...especially since this was so sudden. Then he got up and left. I discovered later he had already planned not to stay..since he had removed his clothes and computers from the house. I have spent my weekend cleaning and trying to get all the financial stuff put together, and am preparing myself for a hellish day tommorrow. I too have a feeling he is getting advice from someone else, and that's would be his family. They love to dwell on negative attention, and I feel this is a suggestion his mother would make, as a scare tactic...or she really has always hated me...who knows. What sucks is I assume he's staying at his brothers and they are convincing him to go through with this. I hate the feeling that he is not making this important decision by himself. I have hopes once his anger subsides he'll rethink and come home..(who wouldn't think that right? ) But now my anger and hurt is rising and I'm not sure how to cope. I can't express how helpfull you all have been, My family is out of state and I don't have many friends, so the last few days I've been afraid to leave the house, I don't want him getting any records or any other belongings, I've been utterly alone these past few days except for all the long distance phone calls. I hurts to be in this house with all the memories of us...and I'm the only one seeing them...he is away from all this. I've never been so confused and lost and numb. I have so many questions? How do you find a good lawyer? What do I do until I know for sure he's serious and want's to follow through. How do I begin to feel safe and normal again? Thank you again you are helping me so much that words could not express my gratitude.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 8:33pm

HUGS! You must be terribly shocked and hurt. I'm glad you found this board and decided to reach out.


A wise person I admire said this: Plan for the worst, but hope for the best. Unfortunately, there's no way to know if your husband will come back home, so the best things you can do are are protect yourself emotionally and financially. Schedule a consultation with an attorney. You're under no obligation to hire one if you just have a consultation. If you don't feel comfortable getting referrals at this point from friends or coworkers, you can check with your local bar association. Second, schedule counseling sessions for yourself if your H refuses to go. I can't tell you how valuable I found counseling over the last year plus.


As for feeling safe and normal? That takes time. It was a sign of strength for you to reach out, so you've shown you definitely have the inner strength to deal with this. Also, you may want to think about looking for a divorce support group in your area for some additional support. It's very helpful to talk to people who are going through the same thing. And post here often!




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